BlogSpot Entry
May. 10th, 2002 10:43 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
bookofmirrorsFriday, May 10, 2002
Well, the virus in my computer seems to still be alive and ticking. It doesn't recognize the emergency boot disk, I can't get Windows up no matter what I try, and, after finally getting a hold of a DOS boot disk, I find that the virus cure doesn't work in DOS. My hardware is perfectly OK, my computer just can't find it. I asked Scott to spec me out something new, for around $400, which should get me a kickass system, really. This is just about the longest I've kept a computer, so I suppose I'm overdue... I just always seem to be "forced" to do it, instead of just wanting to upgrade. Of course, wanting to upgrade is a low financial priority... being forced to is pretty high on the list. :)
Anyway, due to that, I haven't been blogging much. LOTS of stuff going on, but most of it's been processed... I feel like I'm at a lull, where I don't feel "done", but I don't feel motivated to do anything else, either. I tried to meditate the other night, with very disturbing results...
I was walking along some cliffs (at the foot of them... first on a dirt path, then on a beach... I got the impression it should have always been a beach, I just saw it wrong the first time)... I looked down, and I was holding the hand of myself, as a child... that which Pam calls the Wounded Child... she seemed quiet, but cheerful... I stopped and sat on a rock, and put her on my lap... told her that I'd hurt her, and other people had hurt her, and it wasn't her fault, and that I'd tried to hide her behind layers of fat, and that I was sorry for all that, etc., etc., etc....
She didn't really react to any of that... just sat there, looking at me, as if she understood every word, and it really didn't make a difference
Next thing I know, we're walking again... and then, suddenly, I'm beating the shit out of her... I felt very detached from the whole thing... part of me was appalled, watching my hand/arm swing out, and the bruises/blook appear... the other part of me was very angry, and just wanted to keep doing it, until there was nothing left... but every emotion felt muted (although the anger was less muted)...
Throughout the whole thing, she didn't flinch, didn't cry, didn't anything... same expression as when I told her all that stuff on the rock... completely passive, maybe with a sense of "OK, are you done yet? There are things I'd rather be doing, but I'll stay here if it makes you happy... "...
When it was over, I told her I was sorry again... reached out and literally wiped the blood and bruises off her face, like they had never been there... she seemed to take that as a signal that it was all over, and she was being left to her own devices again, to play on the beach...
So, for the first time, there is an expression on her face... she smiles at me brightly, as if the whole exchange had never happened, and all was right with the world, and skips off down the beach...
How fucked up is THAT???
Anyway, I'm suddenly feeling icky (stomach cramps, and such...). So I'll write more later, when I get a good chance at a computer.
--K'La
Well, the virus in my computer seems to still be alive and ticking. It doesn't recognize the emergency boot disk, I can't get Windows up no matter what I try, and, after finally getting a hold of a DOS boot disk, I find that the virus cure doesn't work in DOS. My hardware is perfectly OK, my computer just can't find it. I asked Scott to spec me out something new, for around $400, which should get me a kickass system, really. This is just about the longest I've kept a computer, so I suppose I'm overdue... I just always seem to be "forced" to do it, instead of just wanting to upgrade. Of course, wanting to upgrade is a low financial priority... being forced to is pretty high on the list. :)
Anyway, due to that, I haven't been blogging much. LOTS of stuff going on, but most of it's been processed... I feel like I'm at a lull, where I don't feel "done", but I don't feel motivated to do anything else, either. I tried to meditate the other night, with very disturbing results...
I was walking along some cliffs (at the foot of them... first on a dirt path, then on a beach... I got the impression it should have always been a beach, I just saw it wrong the first time)... I looked down, and I was holding the hand of myself, as a child... that which Pam calls the Wounded Child... she seemed quiet, but cheerful... I stopped and sat on a rock, and put her on my lap... told her that I'd hurt her, and other people had hurt her, and it wasn't her fault, and that I'd tried to hide her behind layers of fat, and that I was sorry for all that, etc., etc., etc....
She didn't really react to any of that... just sat there, looking at me, as if she understood every word, and it really didn't make a difference
Next thing I know, we're walking again... and then, suddenly, I'm beating the shit out of her... I felt very detached from the whole thing... part of me was appalled, watching my hand/arm swing out, and the bruises/blook appear... the other part of me was very angry, and just wanted to keep doing it, until there was nothing left... but every emotion felt muted (although the anger was less muted)...
Throughout the whole thing, she didn't flinch, didn't cry, didn't anything... same expression as when I told her all that stuff on the rock... completely passive, maybe with a sense of "OK, are you done yet? There are things I'd rather be doing, but I'll stay here if it makes you happy... "...
When it was over, I told her I was sorry again... reached out and literally wiped the blood and bruises off her face, like they had never been there... she seemed to take that as a signal that it was all over, and she was being left to her own devices again, to play on the beach...
So, for the first time, there is an expression on her face... she smiles at me brightly, as if the whole exchange had never happened, and all was right with the world, and skips off down the beach...
How fucked up is THAT???
Anyway, I'm suddenly feeling icky (stomach cramps, and such...). So I'll write more later, when I get a good chance at a computer.
--K'La
