Musings

[bookofmirrors]

I'm sitting here, with my back killing me, the aftermath of a deep massage yesterday. My therapist was basically having a fundraiser, with suggested donations and various services offered, so I took advantage, since it seemed like a good cause. (Anyone interested, let me know, and I'll send you the flyer.) I'm supposed to be drinking a lot of water, so I can detox, which I'm trying to do. I have some detox tea, too, so I'm drinking that, also.

I'm getting clear signals that I'm supposed to be dealing with some of my past relationships. I originally thought it was just Fig. I've been thinking about him more often lately, but later, I got something a bit more obvious. I had given a bunch of books away to Christa, so she could sell them, and apparently, when she went through them, she found a receipt, which she gave back to me. It was a receipt from my old landlord in Bourbonnais, with Fig's and my names on it. I figured I was kinda getting the inkling before, but this was the slap in the face.

But I'm still unclear as to how to go about this. I mean, what am I supposed to do, call him? I know how to get in contact with him; in fact, I have several ways I could do it. But I'm supposed to call him up out of the blue, and tell him that the gods are giving me signals to contact him? Or even if I don't say that, I'm still calling him with no apparent provocation after not speaking to him in almost 3 years. So, I'm kinda just gonna leave it be for now. I'm hoping that when the time is "right", I'll get a sudden urge to pick up the phone, or whatnot. I suppose, in the meantime, I need to deal with my own feelings about the whole situation. Which, maybe, is all that's supposed to happen, now that I think of it.

Also, the dream I posted earlier makes me wonder if I need to do any work regarding Leo. Now, granted, just before I moved down here, I re-connected with him after 5 years, and that went well. We seem to understand each other better, and even though I think he's still bitter, I no longer am, and I'm comfortable with the decision I made. We get along now. In fact, he's contacted me (via IM) again recently, and I seem to enjoy talking to him, although we haven't gotten into any meaty discussions. We don't do anything sexual, at blckwngdorcl's request. That, and he wouldn't tell his wife, who hates my guts, not, I get the impression, 'cause her husband was hurt by the big bad ex-wife, but because she fears what he (still) feels for me. I used to really not give a fuck if I fucked married men behind their wives' backs. What they did was of no concern to me. But, isarma said something once that struck me. "If they aren't proud to be fucking me, and wanting to tell the world, then I'm not interested in fucking them." I'm still not sure I really give a fuck about the morals of it, but that idea appeals to me. And also puts a whole new light on my "secret" relationship with Fig.

I really don't have much more to say about this. Not quite sure where to go from here about all of it, but just wanted to get it down on virtual paper.

Comments

[elorie.livejournal.com]

I used to really not give a fuck if I fucked married men behind their wives' backs. What they did was of no concern to me.

I find this attitude fairly appalling. For several reasons. Let me see if I can clarify them...

One, is what isarma said. If they aren't proud of me...they don't deserve me.

Then there's the fact that I don't lie or break promises, period, and participating in someone else doing so is hypocritical. And if you wouldn't want to be cheated on...etc.

Then there's the fact that it causes harm. She will find out, sooner or later, and even if she doesn't it will put a subtle strain on their relationship that most women will blame on themselves and frantically try to figure out what she did wrong....Men who cheat on their wives have Issues, big ones, and I wouldn't have sex with one any more than I would hand a junkie his fix. Being an enabler is part of the dance of dysfunction.

And then....If he lies to her, he will lie to you. Sooner not later. See beginning premise: Any man (or woman) who does not treat me with honor, respect, and pride does not deserve the smallest moment of my time.

[isarma.livejournal.com]

And then....If he lies to her, he will lie to you. Sooner not later. See beginning premise: Any man (or woman) who does not treat me with honor, respect, and pride does not deserve the smallest moment of my time.
***
Preach on! Anyone who will lie about you, will eventually lie to you. Too true... to be fair, tho, K'La, I came to that conclusion after fucking several folks *in secret* one of whom was married. My thought at the time was, well, I'm not lying... Probably, we both were alot alike, back then, huh, sweets.:)

[simplysakka.livejournal.com]

I think we may have all been there, in varying degrees, at some time or another. I slept with a married man while in college; I fancied him rather a lot and couldn't stop thinking about him. He was *awesome* in bed. But then again, he was screwing around on his wife, so how appealing is that, really? I was just a young kid, 19 or 20, I believe. We all learn as we grow. I find such a freedom in polyamory that I can actually discuss with my husband my lovers and welcome hearing about any he might have. Merlin was right when he said, "When a man lies, he murders some part of the world." And when a man cheats on his wife...he lies.

[bookofmirrors.livejournal.com]

See, I've long since figured out rationalizations for most of this stuff.

Since *I* wasn't the one doing the cheating, and I told them I would prefer it if their wife knew, and let it go at that, in my mind, it took me off the hook for having responsibility for it. Sure, I was enabling, but if not with me, they'd get it from someone, and it might as well be me, since I was getting laid out of it. And, it's not the affair that causes strain on his relationship with his wife, but something else fucked up in that relationship (or that person) to cause him to seek sex (or whatever) elsewhere. I could just as easily be drinking, gambling, a blow-up doll, what have you. It's not *my* problem. Again, I just get laid in the deal.

And I really never had any problem with the lying thing. It's not like I was looking for a relationship. Well, OK, I was with my ex for a little while, but I don't know if I was ever serious about it. At any rate, I knew perfectly well that these people were lying, cheating, whatever, and I didn't expect anything better from them. Besides, *I* wasn't the one hung up on an exclusive relationship. The world would be a better place, in my opinion, if people weren't so damn possessive about their partners. (something I think I need to remember when blckwngdorcl games, I think...)

My rationalizations, while arguable, definitely have the ring of rationalizations, even to me. But, I'm still clinging to them. To some extent, that's a good thing. I mean, I've spent a lot of time in my life, getting involved in other people's dramas, and recognizing that if someone is having an affair (with me or anyone else), it's their problem and not mine, is a good thing. Knowing full well what I'm getting myself into is also a good thing.

However, elorie has a good point about it being hypocritical. I don't look kindly when my father wants to involve me in alcohol purchases, and this is kinda the same thing. The "fix" she mentioned. However, I don't want to be judgemental about anyone's fixes, either. There's a fine line between where I refuse to enable, and where that becomes a judgement on my part, and I really don't want to cross that line. So, I'm faced with that dilemma.

Which is why comments like isarma's months ago and elorie's now are the only things that seem to get through to me when it comes to stuff like this. It appeals to the fixing ME side of things. I need to learn to value myself, and part of that comes by insisting other people value me, and treat me as something valuable. The rest of the stuff, I have to slowly learn how to separate the true stuff, from the bullshit. Or, in some cases, the stuff that is true, with how I deal with it. For instance, affairs not being MY problem, but involving myself in them is, as a problem. I have trouble right now seeing it as such.

So, my plan is this: Stick to the reasons that truly make sense to me, and act accordingly. Don't sleep with married men who are fucking around behind their wife's back. Do it because they should be proud of sleeping with me. That's reason enough. Maybe, as I get used to the idea, I can assimilate the other stuff.

[elorie.livejournal.com]

Judgements aren't necessarily bad. There's condemning someone as a human being, which I don't do either...and then there's making judgements about their behavior and especially whether or not they're good for you to be around. That is, in general, a very good thing.

so speaks Boundary Chick...