Honesty, Boundaries, and the Universe as I See It...

[bookofmirrors]

It has been said in my circle of friends that "honesty does not equal (full) disclosure". This has become a mantra for some, a philosophy for others, and a thought-provoking idea for even more. I never really liked the phrase, but went along with it, 'cause I couldn't place just what it was about it that rubbed me the wrong way.

The fact is, I just plain totally disagree with that statement.



Honesty IS disclosure. Hell, that's the definition of honesty. Lack of disclosure, to me, is a lie of omisson.

Let me say right now, when it comes to this subject, and others similar, I am a web of contradictions. Libra, ahem. I'm going to say a bunch of shit about my ideas on this subject, then I'm going to turn around and talk about how I don't do any of this shit in practice. I'm also going to contradict myself and doublespeak constantly. That's because I have access to two realities. Ummmm... or more. Please bear with me on this. This isn't (well, mostly isn't) inconsistency on my part. It isn't fickleness. It's my (sometimes frustrating and often confusing) ability to see issues from different angles. Bear with me on this. I'll try not to be too maddening. This stems from a conversation I had from about 3am-5am with blckwngdorcl last night, and trying to remember what was going on in my head, or what I said, might be difficult for me.

Here's the deal. Let's talk physics for a second. I'm starting there, because it gives me some sort of solid basis. It's NOT what I base my ideas on, though. Modern physics, a la What the Bleep Do We Know?, say that, at the smallest level we can currently view, the subsubatomic particles whose names I don't remember, we're all the same. Period. Not that we're similar, not that we have common characteristics and similar structures. We are exactly the same. Precisely the same. You. Me. That chair. That table. That watermelon. (These were the analogies I used last night. Thankfully, when I made references to the chair and the watermelon, he didn't laugh at me.) We are all the same living organism. Rather than a human, who has an arm, a leg, and an eyeball, we're a being which has as its components humans, chairs, tables, watermelons, and more. In a well-working, self-aware human body, you can tell when your blood sugar is off, if you're too hot, too cold, have a cut, etc.. Everything works in tandem. There is full disclosure among all the parts, if you know how to listen. Pull away a bit. If we're a big organism, and we were healthy and fully aware, we'd know what was going on, and we'd know how to listen. We'd know how each fiber of each piece of wood in each chair felt, how each human thought, and how each watermelon seed greeted the day. Full disclosure. This is the scenario of perfect health, perfect awareness. If we, as humans, as the earth, as the world and all that is in it, were fully in touch with ourselves and each other, there'd be no question that this were the case. I know people who can talk to trees. I used to talk to my car. Most pagans, including myself, have talkative jewelry. Flashes of insight make this possible. In an ideal world, we'd be able to connect to this effortlessly, without thought. Moreso, we'd be able to do it without fear, without judgement. We'd see things in their beauty, and their totality. All the time.

Here's where we start to veer away from stuff that can be proven (as much as anything can be "proven") with science. The rest of this is just me.

I have a few abilities which have served me in good stead. One is to be able to discern between truth and Truth. Truth(little t) is things that are true. Truth(big T) is the REAL reason. It's true, for instance, that I think therapy is a great thing, and everyone should be in it. (Hey, I was a psych major.) This applies to my husbands, as well. The Truth, however, is that I'm afraid that if they AREN'T in therapy, that we'll evolve at different rates, and into such different people, that we won't be able to relate to each other anymore. (And then they'll leave me and I'll be all alone and I'll die.) So sure, it's true that therapy is a good thing, and can help people grow, and people and humanity would be better off with some self-awareness. But my motives aren't so grand, really, when you look at the True reason. That's why certain things drive me crazy until I figure them out. Usually, I can come up with half a dozen true things about why a situation makes me bugshit. But I know intrinsically when I haven't yet hit on the Truth. The Truth is usually painful, and forces me to come up with some unpleasant realization about myself and my motives. Which is probably why I fight it so much. I can't prove this is a fact. But it resonates with ...well, Truth... in every fiber of my being.

The second ability I have is very similar to my truth/Truth sense. It's more of a reality/Reality sense. There's the reality in which we live, which is all smoke and mirrors and analogies which we amuse ourselves with, and learn from. Then there's the greater Reality we're all trying to get to. And, every once in a while, we get a glimpse of this Reality. We just KNOW. Can't prove it, can't explain it. But there is a Knowing. It's when you suddenly feel completely at peace, completely at ease, and completely connected. There is only love and acceptance - no fear and judgement. That's how I recognize Reality, anyway. Again, I can't prove it. Hell, I could be wrong. But I can't imagine how anything that feels this right could possibly be wrong.

And the Reality I see is that we ARE all one. That this nonsense about disclosure is a delusion. If we all suddenly woke up from this dream, it would be a non-issue. We'd all be inside each others' heads, and the "heads" of the chairs, watermelons, you name it. We'd be those particles of energy, and it wouldn't matter where one reality left off and another began.

We'd know everything about everything.

The hopes and fears of chinchillas. The deepest darkest secrets of Hitler. And of Buddha. The secret longings of a pedarast. The aspirations of Mother Teresa. That shameful incident when you were a child. Those bad thoughts you had yesterday about your mate, which you knew were irrational, but you had them nonetheless, so you didn't share them, 'cause it would only hurt their feelings, and you didn't mean them past that fleeting moment, anyway. God's nightmares and God's dreams. ALL that shit. And you know what? Everything would be reflections of ourselves. We've all got parts of us we wish we didn't have. We've all got parts of us we're afraid to share for whatever reason. And we'd all get that. There wouldn't be any judgement. 'Cause we'd realize we'd all been there at one time or another. Maybe in another lifetime. Maybe now. In Reality, there would be no such thing as honesty, because there would be no concept of a lie. It just wouldn't be possible.

This is the world I aspire to.

Now, here's where I start to turn tail on you.

I'm scared shitless of that blissful utopic world. So are you, or it would exist by now.

We fear sharing ourselves. This is truly what I believe. I know some of you disagree with me on this. That's OK. This is what feels true to me. And True, for that matter. You're probably not going to convince me otherwise. I'm probably not going to convince you otherwise, either, if you have a hard-set concept of this. I'm not to the point where that's necessarily OK with me. I could agree to disagree, but I would be sad. That's OK, that's just how it is. That might not be how it is tomorrow, or the next day, or whatever. I'm just not there yet. But I see need for privacy as fear-based. Sure, I can see where there might be times when people might want to be alone, to experience a certain type of energy (and yeah, I know, based on what I said earlier, we're never *really* alone), and I can see where words just don't do certain experiences justice. But there's a big difference, to me, in saying "I don't have the language to convey what a profound experience X was, so I'd rather not try until I do, because I feel like trying to make the experience small enough for the written or spoken language wouldn't do it justice" and saying "X was a private experience". Maybe, to other people, those two statements are synonomous. To me, they aren't. The first is "I can't tell you right now". The second is "I won't tell you".

What causes this fear? *shrug* I can name a few, from my personal experience. Maybe the experience was too big for words. You try to explain it, and you just know you're not getting it across how it happened. The person you tell the story to isn't getting the starry-eyed expression on their face that you're just sure they would, if they could just experience it how you did, but you can't do that with mere words. And, until we figure out the telepathy thing, it ain't gonna happen. So, having done the best you can, you see lack of awe in the other person's eyes, and you begin doubting the awe of your own experience. You start seeing it through their eyes, and it's less than it was through yours. The experience becomes less for you, too. So, you start keeping those experiences to yourself. Greed. Greed is nothing but fear of loss. Or, maybe the experience was something that you and your close friends understand, but you know others don't have the background to get it. Try explaining the experience of a meditative visionquest to an unimaginative number-cruncher working for a government agency. Chances are, s/he won't get it, and will think you crazy or even dangerous. This results in you feeling judged, shamed. None of these things are nice feelings. We'll do quite a bit to avoid these feelings. We'll lie by omission. If the number-cruncher were to ask us about our weekend in polite conversation, and we'd had the most profound life-changing experience ever, in the form of a meditation, and we tell him "Oh, it was OK"... that's a LIE! It wasn't OK. It was life-changing! It was mind-blowing! It was... indescribable. At least THAT would be honest. But we don't go there. Because we feel s/he wouldn't understand. And, in this reality, s/he probaby wouldn't. So, fearing that blank stare, that moment of judgement, we give the easy answer. But it's not True. It's the tiniest watered-down version of the truth. But it keeps us safe, we think.

And who doesn't wanna be safe? I know I do. I fear judgement just as much as the next person. Maybe more. I don't disclose everything, either. Every entry in this journal is public, but it's still censored. I just don't write about shit that REALLY scares me, or shit that I can't put into words, or shit that I think won't be taken well by the general public.

Why, you ask, don't I just write about those things in filtered or private entries? The number-cruncher might not get my life-changing vision quest, but my pagan friends probably would. I could write that stuff just for myself, even.

I don't do those things because I believe in that Reality. It's what I aspire to. My aspirations aren't perfect. My fears (and the behaviors that result from them) are intact. I lie by omission all the time. I lie to myself (and therefore to others, thinking I'm speaking the truth) all the fucking time. I try to pay attention. I know there's something else out there. I know my Reality exists. It scares me, and yet I want it at the same time. I do what little I feel brave enough to do. Like writing this entry, which scares the shit out of me, too. I don't do other things that I don't yet have the guts for. But I recognize my own delusion. I live in this reality, but I've got my eye on the other one. I screw up my courage in order to get it a little closer. I contradict myself every time I use fear as a means of nondisclosure. I know this. I forgive myself for it, and preach the opposite of what I do, and try a little harder next time.

That's all any of us can do.

Now, there are a couple of caveats to this. First of all, people see me as an open person. Because of this LJ, because I'll talk frankly about controversial subjects (mostly sex). This gives the illusion that I live in that Reality I'm touting. It makes me looked enlightened. It makes you think you don't need to delve, 'cause I'm already an open book.

Which exactly what I want you to think.

But it's a lie, too.

I talk about deep subjects like this, and other stuff I've written in my LJ, because it's what I feel safe putting out there. It's just juicy enough to make you think that I'm oh-so-brave and oh-so-open, and distracts you from asking me the hard questions. Most of you, anyway. But I've been lying to you. I've omitted lots. I don't use the word "privacy", but that's just semantics. I've kept parts of my life private. Mostly thoughts I think are "bad". If I know you, I've thought bad things about you. Really hateful things sometimes. Because I'm a Libra? Maybe. Maybe everyone has that ability, to see both sides of people. I don't typically share those things. In fact, the last time I did, it started a flame war here. I fear that if most of you knew what I really thought about you, that you'd be very upset, and leave me. It's not even an unreasonable fear on my part, really. All of you make me crazy on some level. In most cases, I haven't figured out why. In all cases, I know it's about something in me resonating with what I think are "bad" qualities in you. I know that you're not bad. It's just that I think I'm bad, and something you're doing is reminding me of me, or something I wish were me. Of course, that's how I think of it when I'm in my Higher Self, and in a state of love. Mostly, I just think you all suck in various ways. That's truth. Knowing that you're all my mirrors is Truth. I don't live in my Truth all the time. Workin' on it, but not there yet. Probably won't be in this lifetime. So, it's the truth that I don't say those things because I know that really, it's all about me. It's the Truth that I think if I say those things, that you'll react negatively to it and not be my friend anymore. Realistically, I know you all have bad thoughts about me, too, and for the same reasons, and that you don't always see the mirrors thing either, and you think I'm just bad. I know I'm not the only one that can recognize people's annoying qualities. It's also T/true that I can see the good in people. If I'm still hanging around you in any way shape or form, it's because the moments of bad thoughts are fleeting, and the good thoughts remain. It's because the bad things are beautiful, too, and make you who you are. It's because the bad things make it possible for you to grow, and I love watching people grow. Hell, I want to know all the bad parts. I want to see you grow. I watch it with fascination and awe and love, like watching a sunrise, or a flower bloom, or a butterfly spread its wings for the first time. And there's a part of me that takes malicious glee in watching you fall, too. It feeds my need for drama. It feeds my need to rush in and fix things, offer words of wisdom, and have you be grateful to me. Libras like that sort of thing. It's job security. I have both sides of the coin, too.

*sigh* Y'know, that's really scary to write. And I know there's even more scary things I'm not writing about. Nothing comes to mind right now specifically, but I know there are things. Lies I can't begin to tell you because I'm unwilling to see the monster in the corner of my soul, and I'm even more unwilling for you to see it.

So there. I've said that. And I'm totally scared shitless of the reactions I'll get from that, but I'm not going to delete it. So there.

*looks around for the monster*

I can hear it breathing, you know.

The second thing is, why this post to begin with? Why does this whole honesty doesn't equal disclosure thing freak me out so much, anyway?

'Cause I hate to be out of the loop. I hate not knowing things. I feel useless without information. If I don't have information about you, how can I help you? What purpose will I serve for you if I can't help you? If I have no purpose for you, I just know you'll leave me. I'm scared. So fucking scared. I feel connected to Deity when I talk to people, when I get into their heads, their fears, their hopes, their aspirations. When I get touched by some uncommon wisdom, and say just the right thing, when I become the catalyst for change. It's what I feel my purpose is. I want to fulfill my purpose, and in order to do that, I need to get in your head. Sounds twisted, doesn't it? Yeah, don't worry, I see that, too. Not that it changes anything. Just makes me feel crazy, y'know? And this is a Higher Self aspiration. I mean, y'know, helping people. Doesn't get much Higher Self than that. But when my motivation for helping people is job security, or fear of loss, then it's no longer Higher Self. It's that Shadow Self that fears loss, that believes that death is a reality, and an end, and that losing those around you is death - dark, cold, nothingness. Don't get me wrong. I've had completely Higher Self experiences, where I was doing it out of absolute love, and there was no fear at all. But it's not that way all the time. I want to do it out of love all the time. I'm not there yet.

And this scares me, too, 'cause admitting all this most likely will make you LESS likely to confide in me in the future. You'll wonder what motivation I'm working under at the time. So will I. I can't convince you that each time I seek information, that it's from that Higher Self place. I can't convince myself of that. I can say that I need practice, and could you please help me with that, but I second guess myself. Is that true? Or is it a manipulation to get people to confide in me? I'm not sure myself.

For the record, for the subject that brought this discussion up last night (which I've been asked by others not to disclose), I had the following motivations (to the best of my knowledge). Partially, I hadn't heard, and I just wanted to check up. Partially, I had been thinking about a certain instance when I was included in that, and how it made me feel, and I wanted to feel that again. Partially, I hadn't seen anything, nor picked up any energy regarding it lately, and wondered what was up. Was something wrong? Was history repeating itself? I was worried. Partially, I was nosy. I wasn't interested in gory details. (Not that I would have turned them down, either.) I wasn't interested in anyone trying to consolidate something into a medium that wouldn't have adequately expressed the experience. I didn't need that. I just wanted to know what was up. Yes, this is still happening, and it's a good thing. No, it's not, and that's a good thing. Yes, it is, but it's a bad thing. No, it isn't, and it's a bad thing. I would have been good with generalities. If any of the generalities ended in the "it's bad" thing, I would have delved, sure. I don't want those I love feeling bad, and I would have wanted to help. But I wasn't feeling a lack of job security at the time. As far as I know, in that moment, my motives were "pure".

But, anyway, where do I go from here? My view of the world is so different than other people's. It's the same reality which makes it almost impossible for me to understand boundaries, and why they're somehow a good thing. In my Reality, they don't exist. They're anathema. In this reality, they're necessary, but I only get this on an intellectual level. I still want the other Reality, where they don't. Poor elorie has tried so hard to explain it to me, and sometimes I have a glimpse of insight on it, but mostly the best I get is that it's useful to be able to distinguish, for instance, between myself and something sharp and pointy in this reality. My difficulty in grokking boundaries, in grokking privacy has caused no small amount of stress in my life. And, after this post hits, is likely to cause more.

I want to understand why they're so important to other people, but I can't help feeling that boundaries and privacy are all about fear. In my Reality, that's exactly what they are. I can't help but think that it's the same here, too. But I recognize on an intellectual level that they must have SOME use for us in this reality, likely beyond the sharp/pointy thing. But I just can't seem to wrap my mind around it. When it comes to those I love, I have even more trouble. I want to share EVERYTHING I am with those I love, no matter how scary that is to me. And it IS scary. And I don't do it. Because I'm afraid. Again, working on it. Not there yet. But when I hear that something relating to someone I love is private, I just blink. I don't get it. In my mind, I can't figure out how people who love each other can have that separation.

OK, here comes another contradiction. Although it makes perfect sense to me.

I want the ones I love to be individuals. I don't want them to be me. I want them to be themselves. Fully. To me, honesty doesn't mean losing one's self. Hell, it means gaining it. Sharing yourself with another (to me, anyway) helps to solidify your sense of Self. You have to know it, explore it, etc., in order to share it. Hopefully, you'll be passionate about yourSelf. You'll want to share it with the world. You ARE that shining star. You deserve to shine. You deserve for your dark side to be honored as well. And I want to do those things. Even if the mirrors make me despise you for fleeting moments. Even if sharing things with you scares me. Even if seeing parts of you scare me.

Even if.
Especially if.

Comments

Even before fully reading this entry...

[lunenoire.livejournal.com]

..though I hate to put him on the spot like this, I'd like fornorald to formulate his thoughts on boundaries here in livejournal because in our association, he's spent a lot of time pondering and explaining the nuances and necessities of having boundaries, under which "privacy" is an arguable sub-category.

Re: Even before fully reading this entry...

[bookofmirrors.livejournal.com]

I'd be interested in that, too. I have to live in this reality. *sigh*

[elorie.livejournal.com]

I don't think that having boundaries is based on fear at all. It's not some lesser form of reality.

it's like this....the law of gravity means you can't just up and float off from the ground. This seems, on the surface, like a limitation.

But if the law of gravity didn't exist, then our solar system and planet would never have formed. There would be no life. There would be no ground to float away *from*, and no sky to go *to*. There would be no us. There would be no atmosphere.

Limitations make reality possible. A "reality" without limitations can't exist; it's no reality at all. To me, *not* wanting limitations is a form of fear. It's fear of falling...if the world has harsh limits, you might get hurt.

But without the limits, without the law of gravity...no planet, no life, no air...there would be no possibility of wings.

And, on a personal level, if you don't have a strong sense of Self, how can you share it?

Thus speaks the Capricorn :)

[bookofmirrors.livejournal.com]

Hmmmmm.... that sounds just poetic enough that I might be able to wrap my mind around it. And thanks for the comment. I get nauseous every time I open my email, 'cause I'm expecting bad reactions to this post. I'm working on this, honest. It's just so HARD. *whine*

[bookofmirrors.livejournal.com]

Oh, and the fear thing... yeah, actually, there is a lot of fear in me at the thought of boundaries, lack of disclosure, etc..

Clearly, I need to explore this....

[smokierings.livejournal.com]

I didn't think I'd ever see this kind of multi-space thinking, these days.. it was very comforting to read.
We met only once, darlin', and I got to your LJ today from lunenoire's.. do you mind if I want to have this window into your mind?

[bookofmirrors.livejournal.com]

Thank you. Feel free to add me. All my posts are public, anyway.

[savage-rose.livejournal.com]

What an interesting post! A lot of food for thought here...

I know what you mean about multiple realities. However, maybe in trying to set "no limitations" on "boundaries", that is in itself a boundary, and there's part of the issue? Isn't declaring the nature of something labeling anf binding that something? Hmmm.

I don't know. But it's time to zip up my brain and put everything back inside. Hmmm...I'll be thinking about this. I'll probably need to read this post at least a couple more times :)

[bookofmirrors.livejournal.com]

Yeah, elorie said something similar. Much food for thought. Thank you.

[mistressz.livejournal.com]

very well written and defintely something to think on...I wholeheartedly agree with you on the different truths. I also cannot stand not to know and also have those fleeting moments of thoughts about everyone I know.

Thanks again for stepping out there and sharing this with everyone.

[bookofmirrors.livejournal.com]

Thank you. Nice to know others have some of the same "fleeting moments".

(And sorry it took me so long to reply!)

[rhiannonhero.livejournal.com]

I found the core_energetics group via savage_rose and then linked to this post. I feel like I just read my own self. I'm a Libra, too, with almost all of these issues. I've thought most of these things again and again, even if I've not had the words to express it. This is one of the most truthful posts I've ever read, even if you're still lying. ;) Thanks for putting this out there. It gives me a lot to process and to consider, especially regarding security, boundaries, and disclosure.

[bookofmirrors.livejournal.com]

Oh, good! I'm glad someone else has the same crazy ideas I do! ;)

Glad you found the group, and even happier something in it touched you!