bookofmirrors | Details, More or Less

So, since I'm awake, and was peckish, and chose to eat rather than going to bed, I'll amuse myself, and perhaps my loyal, if overbored lately, readers with details of my recent trip to Indiana.

First of all, the whys.

My grandfather (paternal) is about 95 years old. I think, actually, that will be his age come June 9. Anyway, close to that. Way old. He still lives alone, and has all his wits about him. Still fiesty and all that. Flirts with the nurses at his roughly monthly blood transfusions. Which brings me to the health issue thing. He's beaten cancer like half a dozen times. At first, it was just because of my grandma - he was providing total care for my bedridden grandmother with Alzheimers, and was doing so for years. When he was first diagnosed, several years ago, the doctor point blank told him that most people his age with cancer just let it go, 'cause they figure they'd lived long enough already. Grandpa told him that he wasn't most people, and that he had my grandma to take care of, and the doctor had better fix him. Well, he did this, several times. Deal is, my grandmother died several years ago. Not too long after, I got the intuition that my grandfather was ready to die. He hasn't yet, which has really surprised me. Not that I want him to, mind you, but I've just had this feeling he'd be... well, happier if he'd die. However, my dad is SOOO not ready to see that happen. My mom has a better grasp of it, but she doesn't find any good way to broach the subject, either. So, somewhere, my grandfather has internal bleeding. Kinda like a slow leak in a tire. Not enough to cause any real damage, but a cyclic anemia. He gets shots, which really don't work any more, and he's had an ever-increasing rate of blood transfusions. About 2 weeks ago, when I called him last, he did something I don't recall him ever doing before. He asked me when I was going to come visit.

I pretty much took that as a hint.

Due to a problem with our finances, we weren't going to be able to go to Dreaming this year (way bummed about it, too), but I still hadn't told work I didn't need those days off anymore. So, I figured I'd use those days to go visit. Except that last week, he went into the hospital, due to a second bout of high potassium. (Potassium is an electrolyte. Electrolytes being "off" is Bad.) So that, coupled with the earlier phone call, and my dad sounding like he was crying when he left a message on my phone (with a nondescript and benign-sounding update, which nonetheless included phrases like "kidneys shutting down"), caused me to call the hospital (from which he'd already been discharged. I asked to talk to his nurse, explained who I was, explained that I was a nurse, and understood that, due to HIPAA regulations, that she couldn't tell me anything about my grandfather's condition, but said that, in the vaguest of terms, if she had a grandfather in the condition of mine, would she wait a month to visit him, or would she go now.

Well, you can guess her answer, given that I went.

*shrug* Now, I don't know what to think. I couldn't find a way to broach the subject with him. I mean, I suppose the easiest way to do it would have been to blurt out, "You know, if you want to die, you've got my blessing to do so,", but I just couldn't find a way to do so. He seemed in good spirits, pretty much himself. A bit weaker, but... well, duh. But all medical signs point to not-so-good. But it's iffy. He could be dying as I write this, or he could live another several months. I don't expect too much longer, but I've been saying that for years. Honestly, I can't figure out what he's waiting for. Not that I want him to die. But I'm at peace with it. I've had dreams that comfort me about death of loved ones, including him. That talk I had with Baron Samedi a few years back was also enough to make me not fear death - mine or anyone else's. (For the most part, anyway... still doesn't make it fun or anything...) So yeah, it would suck if he died, but part of me would be celebrating on his behalf. Honestly, if I'm as selfish as I feel like my father is being when my parents are ready to die... *sigh* (That's not to say wanting your parents alive is selfish. Hell, most people aren't ready to die, and if that's the case, I figure you should fight along with them. But my grandpa's ready, and has been for a long time. I support that, too.

So, basically, an uneventful trip. I got a much stronger "this-is-the-last-time-you'll-see-him-alive" vibe, but I'm not necessarily counting on that, 'cause I usually have some sense of preparation for that.

In the end, the best I could come up with was to tell him not to let my dad make him do anything he didn't want to do. He just laughed and said, "Don't worry, I don't."

Stubborn ole cuss.