A Real Update (For a Change...)
Mar. 13th, 2005 05:50 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
bookofmirrorsThis is actually a scary entry for me to make. I rarely have time to make entries to begin with, and I know I should be working on my Core homework right now, but I'm not really in that headspace right now. Granted, I'm not really in THIS headspace, either, but it IS pressing on my mind that I need to make this entry. Partially 'cause I don't want anyone ELSE to feel like *my* dirty little secret, and partially because it's become such a natural thing to me that I'm likely to forget that the rest of the world isn't already aware of it. I imagine (and perhaps I'm wrong) that if I were to mention it casually in conversation to any of my many friends with whom I haven't been able to talk in any length of time, it would produce a somewhat shocked reaction.
Granted, it's only been fairly recently (the past 2-3 weeks, maybe) that it's become solidified in my head.
No, that's not true. It's more true to say that it's only been in the last 2-3 weeks that I've fully trusted it, actually allowed myself to invest myself in it.
blckwngdorcl, lunenoire, and I have become a triad.
And I hate that word, really. But I don't know what other word to use, and that IS the common vernacular, and understood by those who are familiar with non-traditional relationships, so I'll stick with that, for now. Until I come up with something better.
The fact is, I have extremely little experience with triads.![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
triadj, from what little I heard through the grapevine, ended badly. Nybor and Elspeth's partner (whose name I don't recall) died; I knew little about their relationship, except that it was good, but I see them so rarely... I don't count what simplysakka, wyzard_vyrnahnn, and garyroux have, since I haven't seen it in "action" other than through her posts. Serendipity/Safe Harbor is a quad, so no real help there.
I have no paradigm for this.
My knowledge of triads being dubious at best, and what little I know being either neutral or negative, it's hard for me to fit what's going on among us into that framework. And I LIKE frameworks.
The fact is, we're figuring this out as we go along. None of us have a paradigm for this. That's the part that kinda makes me think. What to call each other? I love "spice" (plural of "spouse") that Serendipity uses. But, the fact is, right now, in this country, and likely for the duration of all our lifetimes, that noun can only carry legal weight for 2 of us. And I don't like that. I can call them both husbands, but again... it's true legally for one, and not the other. Granted, there are plenty of people who call their non-legal partners "husband" or "wife", but in that case, they generally don't have a different lover. The equality of calling both of them a spouse, or a husband, I like. The inequality of that only being "true" for one and not the other, I don't. I kinda like the idea of discarding those terms altogether and calling both my partners. Habit dies hard, though, and while it feels good to call them both that, it also leaves a bad taste in my mouth, as well. I want it to be true, on ALL levels, for both of them.
It's the practicalities that worry me. Holidays. Guess Who's Coming to Dinner? How to explain this to our collective parents? I don't doubt thatblckwngdorcl would just as soon keep this part of his life separate from them, just as he keeps so many other things from his parents. But it's not in my nature to keep secrets, especially when, in my eyes, in that case, it's just WRONG (for me) to do so. I'm proud to bring blckwngdorcl home to my family, happy to show him off in public. lunenoire deserves no less. I want to meet lunenoire's parents, and have them greet all of us with open arms. I don't want to lie about our relationship to anyone, I don't want to hide it from anyone. There are some easy options that I could take, that would "solve" this problem, but all of them involve hiding what we are and how we feel for each other, and I can't abide by that. So, I think I'm subconsciously processing how I might tell my family about this. Trying to do it consciously is still overwhelming to me at this point.
Living space is another issue. In this place (Harmony), we can't be fully together. Logistics prevent it. I've gotten used to the room of a king-size bed. We'd have to get something HUGE, or do whatjupitercornwall and isarma have done.
But the fact is, all the things that concern me are, when it's all said and done, irrelevant. They aren't important.
What's important to me is how we all feel about each other, how we are together.
I feel comfortable with both of them. Not just the no-one-here-is-out-to-get-me comfortable, but the kind of comfortable that comes with trust, with safety, with love.logomancer's Love, sipping wine coolers barefoot in Divine Congress.
I feel safe with both of them. Hell, sometimes the lengths that it's obvious thatlunenoire would go to protect me, or even avenge me, if it came to that, are almost scary. (At the same time, I feel a primal sense of pleasure about it, too.)
I bask in the energy of both of them, separately. I bask in the energy of the three of us together. I melt at both their touches. I appreciate their differences, and their similarities.
I look at my (legal) husband, and I see him with my (nonlegal) husband, and I see the glow in his eyes, the light in his smile, and I rejoice for him. Now I know what people were talking about when they said he had that same thing with me. I see how happy the two of them are together, and delight in it.
I'm happy with both of them. I can spend the day with one, the other, both, or neither, and I feel content and loved. It's interesting, in fact. In the past, I've been very jealous of the time I spend withblckwngdorcl. I didn't want anyone coming between us, interfering. When lunenoire is with us, there is no disruption in the energy. If anything, it enhances it, and I lose nothing of what I would have if I were alone with either of them. In fact, I noticed something even more interesting last night. We all met fornorald for dinner last night at Top Spice. Usually, when it's just blckwngdorcl and I, and we're with someone else, there's usually a part of me that wishes that we could be alone together. Not so last night. With everyone there, I felt completely at ease. I was comfortable with exactly the amount of attention and interaction I was getting from both of them, and from fornorald. I felt completely in balance.
It was a good feeling.
******Several distractions later, I have lost any train of thought I might have had. There is more to write, but it's not coming to mind right now. Anyway, the cat, as they say, is out of the bag. Thoughts/comments welcome, per usual. I'm happy, I'm content, I'm at peace, and above all, this feels deep-down-soul-level right.
Granted, it's only been fairly recently (the past 2-3 weeks, maybe) that it's become solidified in my head.
No, that's not true. It's more true to say that it's only been in the last 2-3 weeks that I've fully trusted it, actually allowed myself to invest myself in it.
blckwngdorcl, lunenoire, and I have become a triad.And I hate that word, really. But I don't know what other word to use, and that IS the common vernacular, and understood by those who are familiar with non-traditional relationships, so I'll stick with that, for now. Until I come up with something better.
The fact is, I have extremely little experience with triads.
triadj, from what little I heard through the grapevine, ended badly. Nybor and Elspeth's partner (whose name I don't recall) died; I knew little about their relationship, except that it was good, but I see them so rarely... I don't count what simplysakka, wyzard_vyrnahnn, and garyroux have, since I haven't seen it in "action" other than through her posts. Serendipity/Safe Harbor is a quad, so no real help there.I have no paradigm for this.
My knowledge of triads being dubious at best, and what little I know being either neutral or negative, it's hard for me to fit what's going on among us into that framework. And I LIKE frameworks.
The fact is, we're figuring this out as we go along. None of us have a paradigm for this. That's the part that kinda makes me think. What to call each other? I love "spice" (plural of "spouse") that Serendipity uses. But, the fact is, right now, in this country, and likely for the duration of all our lifetimes, that noun can only carry legal weight for 2 of us. And I don't like that. I can call them both husbands, but again... it's true legally for one, and not the other. Granted, there are plenty of people who call their non-legal partners "husband" or "wife", but in that case, they generally don't have a different lover. The equality of calling both of them a spouse, or a husband, I like. The inequality of that only being "true" for one and not the other, I don't. I kinda like the idea of discarding those terms altogether and calling both my partners. Habit dies hard, though, and while it feels good to call them both that, it also leaves a bad taste in my mouth, as well. I want it to be true, on ALL levels, for both of them.
It's the practicalities that worry me. Holidays. Guess Who's Coming to Dinner? How to explain this to our collective parents? I don't doubt that
blckwngdorcl would just as soon keep this part of his life separate from them, just as he keeps so many other things from his parents. But it's not in my nature to keep secrets, especially when, in my eyes, in that case, it's just WRONG (for me) to do so. I'm proud to bring blckwngdorcl home to my family, happy to show him off in public. lunenoire deserves no less. I want to meet lunenoire's parents, and have them greet all of us with open arms. I don't want to lie about our relationship to anyone, I don't want to hide it from anyone. There are some easy options that I could take, that would "solve" this problem, but all of them involve hiding what we are and how we feel for each other, and I can't abide by that. So, I think I'm subconsciously processing how I might tell my family about this. Trying to do it consciously is still overwhelming to me at this point. Living space is another issue. In this place (Harmony), we can't be fully together. Logistics prevent it. I've gotten used to the room of a king-size bed. We'd have to get something HUGE, or do what
jupitercornwall and isarma have done.But the fact is, all the things that concern me are, when it's all said and done, irrelevant. They aren't important.
What's important to me is how we all feel about each other, how we are together.
I feel comfortable with both of them. Not just the no-one-here-is-out-to-get-me comfortable, but the kind of comfortable that comes with trust, with safety, with love.
logomancer's Love, sipping wine coolers barefoot in Divine Congress. I feel safe with both of them. Hell, sometimes the lengths that it's obvious that
lunenoire would go to protect me, or even avenge me, if it came to that, are almost scary. (At the same time, I feel a primal sense of pleasure about it, too.) I bask in the energy of both of them, separately. I bask in the energy of the three of us together. I melt at both their touches. I appreciate their differences, and their similarities.
I look at my (legal) husband, and I see him with my (nonlegal) husband, and I see the glow in his eyes, the light in his smile, and I rejoice for him. Now I know what people were talking about when they said he had that same thing with me. I see how happy the two of them are together, and delight in it.
I'm happy with both of them. I can spend the day with one, the other, both, or neither, and I feel content and loved. It's interesting, in fact. In the past, I've been very jealous of the time I spend with
blckwngdorcl. I didn't want anyone coming between us, interfering. When lunenoire is with us, there is no disruption in the energy. If anything, it enhances it, and I lose nothing of what I would have if I were alone with either of them. In fact, I noticed something even more interesting last night. We all met fornorald for dinner last night at Top Spice. Usually, when it's just blckwngdorcl and I, and we're with someone else, there's usually a part of me that wishes that we could be alone together. Not so last night. With everyone there, I felt completely at ease. I was comfortable with exactly the amount of attention and interaction I was getting from both of them, and from fornorald. I felt completely in balance.It was a good feeling.
******Several distractions later, I have lost any train of thought I might have had. There is more to write, but it's not coming to mind right now. Anyway, the cat, as they say, is out of the bag. Thoughts/comments welcome, per usual. I'm happy, I'm content, I'm at peace, and above all, this feels deep-down-soul-level right.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2005-03-14 03:10 am (UTC)Well, *duh*. You needed a big disclaimer for that? LOL
Have fun you three. ;) XOXOXox
no subject
Date: 2005-03-14 03:18 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-03-14 03:20 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-03-14 06:32 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-03-14 04:38 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-03-14 06:32 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-03-14 07:05 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-03-14 07:53 am (UTC)Thank you for your support. :)
no subject
Date: 2005-03-14 05:25 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-03-14 06:32 am (UTC)i'm so happy!!
Date: 2005-03-14 09:31 am (UTC)Re: i'm so happy!!
Date: 2005-03-14 12:57 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-03-15 02:12 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-03-15 06:21 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-03-16 01:23 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-03-16 06:19 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-03-16 05:04 am (UTC)I think, in the long run, what Richard, Gary and I will end up having will be a "V" of some sort, since neither Richard nor Gary are bisexual... But I am also thinking of what Richard and I had with SLP those years ago, more of an "emotional" triad, which is what I think we are aiming for. So far, so good. We'll find out more in April. But I think your paradigm, even though we are both trying to define triads, will be decidedly different than mine, once we solidify things.
In any event, go with what feels the most appropriate to you. You can never go wrong trusting your own instincts and gut. Just because there are nice and neat little boxes and labels for so many different kinds of relationships doesn't mean you have to seek one out for what is uniquely yours.
Love you. *hugs*
no subject
Date: 2005-03-16 06:20 am (UTC)That is most definitely the plan. :)
Thank you!
no subject
Date: 2005-03-23 07:02 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-03-24 09:58 am (UTC)