Shame and Relationships
Feb. 27th, 2005 11:32 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
bookofmirrorsFirst of all, thanks to the wonderful ![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
simplysakka, who wrote the poll for me, and let me use her computer to write this post. :)
This is a post that's been brewing for a very long time now. It came to my attention at that time (around the time of Dreaming, I think, and perhaps even before that) that I tend to keep my relationships with persons besides my husband very private.
This isn't because I'm a private person, by any means. This is something I trace back to my relationships in Illinois, mostly with Fig. When Fig and I were having our friends-with-benefits relationship, very few people knew about it. I told him up front that I would never lie about it, if asked, but I didn't give many people the opportunity to ask the question. Strangers who saw us together in stores and restaurants and whatnot assumed we were together, but amongst most of our friends, the relationship was unknown, or the secrecy of it was stressed. In fact, if Fig (or, Gods forbid, Jessica) ever came across this LJ, and saw that I talked pretty openly about the fact that we were actually intimate, I'm sure the repurcussions wouldn't be pleasant.
I wasn't SUPPOSED to tell anyone that we were intimate. I was, I believe, his dirty little secret. And I'm not sure if that was in the good it's-hot-because-it's-unknown-and-"forbidden" kinda ways. In fact, I'm pretty sure it WASN'T that, at all.
I think, on some level, he was ashamed of me. Or something like that.
I realize, as I continue to have relationships outside of my public, legally-mandated relationship with my husband, that I don't talk about them much. I rarely, if ever, mention them in my LJ, and when I do, it's often with euphemisms that only those who already know there is intimacy going on will catch, leaving others only to wonder. I tend not to name names.
And it's NOT because I'm ashamed of any intimacy I've shared with people. I've enjoyed those times. Hell, I've sometimes wanted to tell the world about those experiences.
But I don't. Because I've got it in my head that the people I'm with would rather that the world at large not know that they've been intimate with me. I feel like the dirty little secret.
Please keep in mind that I can't think of ANYTHING anyone in Georgia has done to perpetuate this idea (well, one, maybe... but it was already public, as far as I know). This is all coming from me. However, I'm just concerned about it enough to want to know for sure. I need to know what's happening on the other side of my perception, and if there's ANY grain of truth in what I'm feeling, or it's STRICTLY because of my maladaptive relationship with Fig (and some others).
So, what I ask is this: If you and I have been intimate on any level (cuddling, kissing, sex of any kind, deep emotional connection, whatever), please take the poll below. Answers are screened, of course. And thank you.
[Poll #445231]
simplysakka, who wrote the poll for me, and let me use her computer to write this post. :)This is a post that's been brewing for a very long time now. It came to my attention at that time (around the time of Dreaming, I think, and perhaps even before that) that I tend to keep my relationships with persons besides my husband very private.
This isn't because I'm a private person, by any means. This is something I trace back to my relationships in Illinois, mostly with Fig. When Fig and I were having our friends-with-benefits relationship, very few people knew about it. I told him up front that I would never lie about it, if asked, but I didn't give many people the opportunity to ask the question. Strangers who saw us together in stores and restaurants and whatnot assumed we were together, but amongst most of our friends, the relationship was unknown, or the secrecy of it was stressed. In fact, if Fig (or, Gods forbid, Jessica) ever came across this LJ, and saw that I talked pretty openly about the fact that we were actually intimate, I'm sure the repurcussions wouldn't be pleasant.
I wasn't SUPPOSED to tell anyone that we were intimate. I was, I believe, his dirty little secret. And I'm not sure if that was in the good it's-hot-because-it's-unknown-and-"forbidden" kinda ways. In fact, I'm pretty sure it WASN'T that, at all.
I think, on some level, he was ashamed of me. Or something like that.
I realize, as I continue to have relationships outside of my public, legally-mandated relationship with my husband, that I don't talk about them much. I rarely, if ever, mention them in my LJ, and when I do, it's often with euphemisms that only those who already know there is intimacy going on will catch, leaving others only to wonder. I tend not to name names.
And it's NOT because I'm ashamed of any intimacy I've shared with people. I've enjoyed those times. Hell, I've sometimes wanted to tell the world about those experiences.
But I don't. Because I've got it in my head that the people I'm with would rather that the world at large not know that they've been intimate with me. I feel like the dirty little secret.
Please keep in mind that I can't think of ANYTHING anyone in Georgia has done to perpetuate this idea (well, one, maybe... but it was already public, as far as I know). This is all coming from me. However, I'm just concerned about it enough to want to know for sure. I need to know what's happening on the other side of my perception, and if there's ANY grain of truth in what I'm feeling, or it's STRICTLY because of my maladaptive relationship with Fig (and some others).
So, what I ask is this: If you and I have been intimate on any level (cuddling, kissing, sex of any kind, deep emotional connection, whatever), please take the poll below. Answers are screened, of course. And thank you.
[Poll #445231]
