bookofmirrors | Trying to Figure Myself Out

I've been so horribly busy the past few days, I'm not even sure where to start. Seems like forever since I've been able to LJ, and I always hate not being able to sit down and vent, or think, or .

Work has been way fucked up... I worked 3 16-hour shifts in 4 days (an 8 hour shift the other day), and have generally had my sleep schedule (which wasn't really established, anyway) blown all to hell and back. Staffing issues and such make it crazy there. Except for Saturday and Sunday, which I spent on the Alzheimer's unit, I've wanted to either pull my hair out, or cry, or both, at just about any given time during my shift. Part of this, I know, is that I *hate* not being good at something. And I always become very good at whatever job I do, given enough time to be there. The opening stages, where I'm clueless, are very hard for me. I *want* to be good at what I do. Also, it's been 3 years (not counting the month I worked at Manor Care) since I worked as a nurse, and I find myself forgetting things that are second nature to any health care worker - filling out incident reports for patient falls, calling the doctor when a patient keeps pulling out his IV, and he's running out of good veins, et cetera. I mean, all of this is completely understandable, and even the nurses that have been there for a while consistently have to stay over and finish their work, 'cause everyone's just SO overloaded. That's partially comforting, 'cause I can take heart in the fact that it's not just me, and partially discouraging, 'cause it makes me think that even when I get good at it, I'll still be behind, and it's only going to get marginally better. I can see they're taking steps to provide better staffing, though, so maybe there will be an improvement. And, of course, I feel bad about bitching about my job at all, 'cause I know so many of my friends who are looking for jobs, and can't find any. Believe me, I'm grateful to have a job, period, much less one that pays so well, and will allow me to go back to school. It's just so frustrating to be at the sucking stage.

On the other hand, the people there are really nice, and already seem to genuinely like me, and look forward to me being there. Part of me is confused about that, 'cause, for the most part, I haven't had time to do much else than work, so I can't figure out how they've discovered what kind of person I am at all. I remember when

blckwngdorcl went for his second interview at Starship, the lady who runs the main office said that the chick who interviewed him said that he was a trip, or something along those lines. He said he was surprised, 'cause he was trying to tone that down during the interview, but the lady said that they could tell. Something about his laugh. Not sure what it is about me, although Kevin said today that I had a very distinct laugh - and he's not the only person to have ever told me that.

By the way, when

blckwngdorcl,

wyzard_vyrnahnn, and I were at lunch, we ran into Kevin and a friend of his named Chris, who has a LJ, but I forget what he told me his username is. If anyone knows, please tell me! :)

I've had lots of things on my mind in the past several days, but the thing that is begging to be talked about today is something that has troubled me just today.

blckwngdorcl and I did a lot of running around today. He got paid, so there were things we needed to buy, mostly to get his computer up and running. The plan was to pick up his paycheck, cash it, buy computer stuff, eat lunch, stop at Mink's (liquor store) to pick up alcoholic goodies for our altars, stop at Starship to pick up something that he wanted to buy, and drive up to Kennesaw to drop the computer parts off at

jupitercornwall's place, so he could finish fixing the computer. In my mind, this would all take place fairly quickly, with us making it to the Vulgar Labrynth around 3:00pm.

isarma and I had already decided to spend some time chatting, since I was gonna be there anyway, which I was looking forward to. So,

blckwngdorcl decides it would be cool to invite

wyzard_vyrnahnn to lunch with us. I'm cool with that; he rocks. So, we do the Applebee's thing. Turns out, Kevin and Chris (mentioned in earlier paragraph) were sitting right by us, and as they were leaving, and we were about to, we somehow got to talking Buffy and other such geek-friendly programming. We stayed into shift change at the restaurant, and, as such, discovered that Stephen worked there, too, so he hung with us and talked as much as he could, since it was kinda slow at that point. We ended up spending 3 hours there.

Now don't get me wrong. I had a great time, and was really pleased to be able to do all that. I wouldn't change what happened. But it kinda fucked with my schedule. AFTER dropping the computer parts off at the Vulgar Labrynth, I was planning on going home, and trying to commandeer the computer, to do exactly what I'm doing now. This was going to be easy, actually, since

blckwngdorcl wanted to hang with

wyzard_vyrnahnn this evening, so I'd have the house to myself. But, I had planned on being home at about 7pm, at the latest. So, we go there, and chatted with

isarma for a while (she was the only one home).

blckwngdorcl is getting ancy at this point, 'cause he wants to get going to

wyzard_vyrnahnn's. I wouldn't mind staying longer, especially since I had an interesting talk with

jupitercornwall the other night, and kinda wanted to see him. So,

isarma offers to drive me home, if I wanted to stay there and chat with her. And I'm not sure why I turned her down. The practical reason was that I wanted to come home and LJ, have some me time. And that's true. Had we gotten there at 3pm like I was planning to, and spent 3 or so hours there, I could have gotten some hanging out done, and gotten home in time to write here. Best of both worlds. That was the original plan. So, now I'm being offered the chance to chat, with no muss, no fuss, with someone I enjoy talking to, and the potential to see Sean,

jupitercornwall, and

sweetsong, too, and I turn it down.

Now, I could write this off as being a fluke, a mood, a phase, whatever, but this is becoming a PATTERN. I haven't been to BP in weeks (months?), I haven't visited

elorie and

fornorald in forever, I haven't met

logomancer and

profundis for lunch, et cetera. Keep in mind, I love doing all these things. I adore the people in question, and love spending time with them. And yet, I've been passively avoiding them. Which, in my world, is the same thing as actively avoiding something, and just not owning up to it.

But, I don't get it. Why would I do something like that? Is it really the obvious answer? That I know these people adore me just as much as I do them, and to know that is to admit I might be something worth adoring? I mean, really, how pathetic is that? And, I could see it if I didn't like these people, but I am genuinely sad that I don't see more of them. And not just them, other people, too.

walkingbear,

eloreen, Christa (who I suspect is

christa), and Chip, Gary,

spy_isis, Brian T.,

simplysakka, and many others I can't begin to list here. If you don't see your name, and you're reading this, and I know you in real life, you can bet you're on that list, too.

So, why don't I make the effort to do so? If I were spending all my time at home in self-introspection, consciously withdrawing from the outer world to seek the inner, I could accept that in myself. But, I'm not. I haven't attempted to mediate in days. Granted, I've chosen sleep over meditation, and given my recent work schedule, it was a valid choice, but I no longer have that excuse. I'm planning on doing it after I write this, maybe wind down a bit by chatting with whoever's online. But that's not the point. People spend time on introspection, and still have full lives which include spending time outside of their home and work. I have no excuse whatsoever. I have a busy life, yes, but I could certainly plan it better, and make time for things (and people) that are important to me.

Frankly, I don't want it to be as "simple" as me just being afraid people will like me. I'd like to think I'm over that ridiculous bullshit. People I consider intelligent, caring, and worthwhile, think I'm intelligent, caring, and worthwhile, and actively seek out my company. So, the problem is that if I keep hanging around them, I'll have to admit that I *am* intelligent, caring, and worthwhile? Such a basic, predictable fear. And we all know how much I despise being basic and predictable. And it's a double-edged sword. I've spent so long measuring my worth by what other people thought of me, and not what I thought of myself, that I don't want to go out to see myself reflected in their eyes. I still do it, of course. I'm not that good yet. But I've greatly improved in this. And, while I can see where allowing myself to bask in the love and respect of people I love and respect would be a useful tool, I'm also afraid of falling back into old patterns where I'm riding the wave of others' approval... which, of course, puts me in the situation of riding the trough of their disapproval, as well. Even when I didn't agree with their disapproval, I would act all contrite, not to win them back, but because I figured on some level that they were right and I was wrong. I don't do this with society. I don't give a flying fuck if fundamentalists think the way I practice religion is wrong, or if they think it's wrong to be bisexual, polyamorous, etc.. But, put that same attitude in the mouths of those I call friends, and I start to doubt myself.

Again, I've made a huge improvement in this. Hopefully,

logomancer can attest to this. It was the subject of much in my life last year. I'm less likely to accept criticism offhand just because, and I'm somewhat more likely to (not in so many words) tell people that I think they're full of shit. And I think I'm pretty good at determining what things are other people's issues, and what are mine, and which are both.

Has discarding/attempting to discard the bad stuff people say, and make my own decisions affected my ability to take in the good stuff? Maybe. But that doesn't ring true to me. It rings as a convenient, if plausible, excuse.

I think it's exactly what I said before. That allowing myself to accept that people like me, forces me to accept that I'm likable. And, I think, I'm also afraid that I'll burst that bubble, and they'll realize I'm not likable, and go away.

ARGH!!!

This is the exact problem that is at the root of my problems with

blckwngdorcl, and his with me. Fear of [insert person's name here] leaving. This is the exact thing that is at the root of most people's problems with other people. This is what we're taught as children. You must please your parents, or they might abandon you. Sometimes, this is something that we do instinctively, sometimes the threat is actually made, in word or deed. If not physical abandonment, certainly emotional abandonment. Mommy/Daddy/Whoever doesn't want to be around a naughty child, so you have to be good (however they define "good"... or "naughty", for that matter), or you're left out in the cold. Literally, figuratively, doesn't really matter. So, we spend our adult lives recreating this pattern with everyone we meet. We have to please our friends, or they won't be our friends. We have to please our boss, or we can't put food on the table. We have to please society, or we'll be shunned. This ungainly dance of seeking Acceptance. And every time we perceive someone to not accept us, we're that little kid again, wondering why Mommy and Daddy have withdrawn, what we did wrong, how we can fix it, make them come back, make them love us again. Until it just becomes easier to be the one to do the leaving. At least then, you can control it. Because once they leave, you can never trust them again, never trust that they won't use that weapon again. And every cruel or thoughtless act of every person we meet from then on triggers that same reaction.

I hate my mother sometimes. My childhood was full of her disapproval. I didn't wear the right clothes, I wasn't girly enough, I was too fat, I was too smart for my own good, insert fault here. I wasn't beaten, or locked in a closet, or anything traumatic like that. But having her withdraw from me was traumatic, nonetheless.

And, of course, as all children, I loved my mother, too. But I stopped trusting her a long time ago. In fact, I don't ever remember a time I trusted her. That makes me incredibly sad. I've never put it in those words before, and having spoken it out loud, as it were, makes a pretty big impact on me. Goddammit. I should have been able to trust her. She should have cherished me the way people do now; then maybe I could accept it from them. And I know I should be angry about that, and I can feel it boiling under the surface, but I haven't the foggiest idea what to do with it. And I'm not a little kid anymore, and I can't blame my mother (or anyone else) for the issues I have NOW. I hate it when adults blame their problems on other people. The blaming your parents bullshit might work until you're 18 (and even then, you're pushing it, I think), but once you hit legal age, you'd better start taking responsibility for being the person you are.

OK, so, great. My mother emotionally abandoned me by disapproving of me, for whatever reason, when I was little. My father, knowing full well my mother had issues, would go on business trips, and instruct me to take care of her. He knew how strong I was, even then. Or, maybe he just took the coward's way out, and pawned his wife off on a kid.

logomancer and I used to call it "mom-sitting". The fact that I don't feel particularly angry towards my father makes me think that I've got some even deeper-buried issues regarding him, but I'll cross that bridge when I come to it. I certainly hated disappointing him more than I did my mother, even though it happened more rarely. But, I digress. OK, I had some fucked up shit happen when I was a kid.

Whatever. But now what? I recognize that, emotionally, I often act from that place, what Core calls the Wounded Child. But I'm NOT a child anymore. I'm 30-fucking-4 years old, and the time is past where I can bitch and complain about my childhood. And, yes, I recognize the irony of saying that in a journal entry where I'm bitching and complaining about my childhood. What do I DO about it?

The answer is simple. Keep working on me. Go to therapy, meditate, learn about myself, change what I don't like, and stop making excuses, actively, or "passively", to not do those things. Get angry. Basically, do everything that I already know damn good and well that I should be doing.

And don't forget that I have people out there (including, incidentally, my parents) who love me, who want to help me, who choose to support me, choose to love me.

I guess I need to learn to make that same choice, and keep making it, every minute of every day.