bookofmirrors | Follow-Up Entry - For Real This Time :)

OK, I mentioned in the previous entry that there was one situation, slightly different from the ones I mentioned, in which I was jealous. This bears more thought/discussion on my part, mostly because I truly want to understand and grow in relation to this, and partially because I made a promise to myself, and to him, that I would strive to look into my feelings surrounding our relationship.

As many of you know,

logomancer and I have been friends of good standing for quite some time. Until recently. For this entry to make sense, a little background information is required.

logomancer and I dated in high school, when we both lived in South Carolina. I think we celebrated 2 or 3 anniversaries during the time we were actively dating. Eventually, however, he came to the realization that he was gay, which understandably put a damper on a romantic relationship between the two of us. At that point, we became good friends. Best friends, even though I moved away shortly thereafter, and he went off to college. We kept in touch via phone, snail mail, and, eventually, email over the years. This was over a period from 1986 to 2000. We shared everything, and visited with each other in person roughly once a year. My favorite part of those visits was curling up on his bed (where I could inhale and by surrounded by his scent) and reading his journal (this was before LJ!) entries over the past year or so. We were privy to each others' deepest hopes and fears, insomuch as we knew them ourselves, and we were extremely close. We served a deep purpose in each others' lives, and I, for one, was (and I think he was, too) very secure in our relationship.

Then, a lot of things happened, which I won't get into here, and he convinced me to move to Atlanta, where he was. (Not that I needed much convincing - I told him no, and within 24 hours, was making arrangements to the contrary.)

My security in the relationship crumbled.

The role I thought I had, of most-important-confidant-and-lender-of-support-and-love came into question for me. Certainly, I should have figured this out on my own, but it came as a shock to me (at least on an emotional level) that he had gone and developed a LOCAL support system in my "absence". How dare he! Our long distance relationship, which consisted of a lot of support during each others' crisis situations and the closeness and trust and love that stemmed from that sort of intense interaction, turned into a local relationship in which I realized I wasn't the primary person he trusted with that side of himself, and we started learning of each others' day-to-day personality, as well as the more mundane aspects of each others' lives. Granted, it's not like we didn't know of these things before. They just weren't the focus.

Our local relationship started to differ drastically from our long-distance relationship. The most stable, close, and long-standing relationship I had, that I trusted, began to change around me. Of course, logically, it would have been pretty much impossible to maintain the same type of relationship over the shorter distance. But emotionally, I wasn't prepared for that. I became very jealous of Shayne, of

profundis, of Tim, and any person whom I perceived as being important to him. I was no longer the Princess I once was - at least in my own eyes. I suppose it's irrelevant how he actually saw me. I felt ousted, unnecessary. My own self-image overrode whatever the reality was/is. (I still don't know, really.) I became insecure, and I became jealous.

As a result, sometime after that, we parted ways. On more than one occasion. That's been hard for me. I'm just now starting to come to terms with that, even though I've felt no ill will about it for quite some time. I pretty much just locked it away until recent circumstances have brought it all closer to mind.

I will say that, in relation to what I said above, there is a different nuance to my relationship to

logomancer than to others I've been with. With him, we were in love (inasmuch as any 16-17 year old people can be), and when his romantic love interests moved elsewhere, I think I still cherished that portion of our relationship, in some secret place in my heart that I hid even from myself. I rejoiced in my specialness. And as he developed close friendships with other women, and they failed, I think part of me was elated at being the constant one, the special one. Thief. Fire. Phoenix. Princess Spring. The one who would never betray him. I feel a pain as I write that... I think I harbor much guilt for "failing" him by falling by the wayside, as have so many others. (True or not, it's my perception.) But, be that as it may, my repressed feelings of romantic love likely had a great deal to do with my jealousy issues when I moved here. Interestingly enough, I wasn't jealous of the romantic portion of any of his relationships. Just the closeness on an emotional level (which has a slightly different nuance for me).

Anyway, I'll likely think on this more on my own. But I'm hoping all these new insights will help me understand things better, make our potential for a renewed relationship better.