bookofmirrors

I just woke up from a dream. In the dream, my parents had come here to visit, and we were at some sort of store, or restaurant, or something. We were talking about where to go for dinner. I wanted to take them to the Melting Pot, and I think my dad had another idea, somewhere we’d already gone once before. I was going to grudgingly agree with him, ‘cause it somehow seemed important to him. I remember looking over the stuff at the shop we were in before we left. There were some ornaments or somesuch, and I remember realizing that I had no money for Christmas presents, and that Christmas with my family was early this year. Anyway, we left there. We were driving, and we ended up driving through downtown, in an area I’d never seen before. There was this huge, awesome amusement park, and I wondered if we were driving through a little-known area of Six Flags. Somehow, we ended up in something that flew, although I don’t remember us stopping, or getting out of the car. We ended up, my parents and I, in this open vehicle thing, kinda round, going over an ocean. Actually, very similar to the ocean I flew over in the raven dream.

Anyway, somehow the dream skips directly from there to me going to this house. It’s either a friend’s house, or some sort of brothel, or both. My parents are gone at this point. I go there, waiting for

blckwngdorcl. I end up in the bathtub with these two beautiful blondes, and am enjoying myself, although not too much, since I’m waiting for him to come and join in. He finally gets there, and I lead him into the bathroom. We end up in the tub. It seems a normal size tub, but it accommodates the two of us nicely. The two blondes have disappeared, and I don’t know where they’ve gone. So, I start bathing him, rubbing up against him with the suds and such. He’s somehow still clothed, at least partially, for this process, and I end up somehow getting his clothes off to finish the bath, although he seems sort of distracted and disinterested about the whole thing. And, while I’m still in the tub, but have turned my back for a moment, he’s suddenly out of the tub and fully clothed, before anything interesting could happen. There’s another girl there. I’ve seen this girl in real life, but I don’t recall from where. I think she may be part of the old DTG group, but she could just as easily be someone I knew from Indiana. At any rate, she and

blckwngdorcl are standing next to the tub, side by side, with their arms around each other, looking kinda miserable. I ask

blckwngdorcl what he needs to tell me, ‘cause he’s looking lost, and I can tell there are tears in his eyes. I look from him to her, and she doesn’t look much better. I wait a few seconds, and then ask, “You two slept together??” Some small conversation ensues after that; I don’t remember the words exactly, but I remember being kinda nonchalant about it. Actually, I think I was numb. My reaction, or lack thereof, seems to reassure them, so they’re suddenly all happy, and hugging and kissing each other, and generally being all lovey, like I’m not even there. The shock of this, combined with the earlier shock, starts to set in. I start to ask a few questions, like when it happened, were they safe about it, etc.. It had happened a week or two ago, and they had been safe.

It was at this point that I started to get mad. I was furious with

blckwngdorcl for not telling me about it. I threw up that lies of omission were still lies, and how he tells me that exact thing all the time. She goes off in the bedroom at this point, because she can kinda see she’s not wanted around (by me, anyway) at this point, although I’m not mad at her. I’m getting more furious with

blckwngdorcl by the minute, though, all revolving around the fact that he didn’t tell me about it. I say more than once that him fucking her is NOT the issue; only that he didn’t tell me about it, and immediately. We decide to leave. Before we go, he goes into the room where she’s gone, apparently to comfort her. This annoys me, too, and I wonder what kind of emotional connection there is, and again feel very left out of that loop, and am furious that all this has been going on, and I knew nothing. Anyway, we leave, and head home.

Home turns out to be my college dorm. He goes in quickly, and heads up the stairs, obviously avoiding me. I know I’m supposed to go get the mail first, and I spend some time figuring out where our mailbox is, since the mailroom got moved around from the last time I was in there.

So, any meaning of the dream aside, the alarm goes off at this point, so I wake up with no resolution for this ethereal anger I’ve got going on regarding all this. I wake up angry at my husband for a dream. And, while I know this is pretty unreasonable, it still persists.

Add this to the fact that it’s gaming night, and he’s STILL not home. I absolutely HATE waking up to him not being here. The fact that this is my first day of work, and he knows this, and he didn’t make it a point to be here before I got up is also infuriating. He knows how important those few minutes between the first buzz of the alarm and the second are to me, to be able to roll over and hold him for just a little while before I have to get up, or he does.

Also, I’m furious at those running the game (in this case, Amy) for not being more fucking considerate of other people’s schedules when they make these goddamn storylines. They may not have a life, or may be willing to forfeit it, or sleep, or whatever, but they have no fucking right to set up a game such that it robs other people of that. And, frankly, in this case, robs me of that.

So, here I am, too fucking early in the morning, pissed off at my husband for partially nebulous and partially founded reasons. I got a message on the voicemail at about 5:30am, saying they were still gaming, and he looked forward to cuddling with me in bed when he did get home. Well, I’m up, I need to shower and get to work, and it just ain’t gonna happen, and that’s no one’s fault but his. He knew perfectly well I needed to get to work this morning, he knew what time, he knew (basically) where, and he could have easily figured out what time I needed to leave to make all that happen. If he had wanted to cuddle with me that badly, he could have damn well made it here in time to do that.

Fuck.