bookofmirrors | Musings on Innocence and Optimism

That's what it takes to be a hero, a little gem of innocence inside you that makes you want to believe that there still exists a right and wrong, that decency will somehow triumph in the end.
- Lise Hand, describing Irish journalist Veronica Guerin, who was killed as a result of her investigations of Irish organized crime.

This quote was on my MyWay homepage today. It describes me pretty well, although I wouldn't actually consider myself a "hero" (or heroine). And I have my own little opinions of what "right", "wrong", and "decency" are.

But, apparently, other people see me in this sort of light. This just amazes and perplexes me. I had a conversation with a friend recently where he brought this up. The conversation went like this: (I've rearranged some of it so that comments and replies are together, and deleted the names of the gui... innocent, and done the spell/grammar check thing, but the content is unchanged)

Friend: ...Everyone said [another ex co-worker] was the heart of the company.... but that isn't true. It was you
Me: WHAT??? What the HELL are you talking about???
Friend: You were the "innocent" one...the morale officer so to speak
Friend: You were the one everyone liked
Friend: That’s what I mean by "heart"
Friend: Not backbone or workhorse or think tank
Me:
Me: Wow
Friend: Well it’s true
Friend: You were the cheerleader
Me: lol Was I?
Me: And here I thought I was being pretty petty towards the end, there
Friend: Well you were being petty, but gawd come on, you aren’t a saint :)
Friend: Your choice is not a happy one...choose to ignore the flaws of one side so you can cling to it instead of the other, or see both sides without the rosy glasses and risk being left with nothing to believe in about the whole thing
Me: I disagree... I'm left to believe in myself, flaws and all, and to see how I created the scenario, so I can choose more wisely next time... I think that puts me in the best possible position... albeit not the easiest, by any stretch of the imagination
Friend: All right, I'll agree with you there

OK, granted, this is one person's opinion, and may or may not reflect the opinions of the rest of my former co-workers, but this isn't the first time I've been told something like this. When I worked sales (which I was dismal at), I asked the director why in the world he hired me, since I obviously sucked at it. He said that he knew I could be successful, 'cause I was a "charmer". He said that he hears people talking about other people there, complaining about this or that, or this person or that person, but that no one ever complained about me, and that everyone liked me. And sure, he could have been bullshitting me to get me to stay, but the company was actually losing money on me, and he was still actively trying to keep me. Ditto my job in Illinois that I had for almost 7 years before I moved down here. A co-worker told me that there were some people who left and made no impact, but that there were others who left, and the whole feel of the place changed due to their absence, and she felt I was going to be one of those (something she later confirmed after I actually left). Other former co-workers from that same place basically said the same thing, not in so many words.

Outside of work, I've had people tell me some pretty incredible things about myself, too. That I have "great energy", that I'm "cute without trying"... other stuff I don't remember. When I first got in contact with my biological mother, I wanted to give her a different perspective on myself, so I wrote her a letter describing myself, then handed the letter around to my friends, so they could give her a more rounded view of me. I repeatedly said that I wanted "honest, NOT glowing" remarks, but the only negative (if it can be called that) remark was that one of them found my voice kinda annoying, a "kind of shrill monotone". And I've had other people tell me I have a delightful voice, "like a bubbling brook".

And all this genuinely confuses me. OK, granted, I spent a great deal of my life trying to be liked, and molding myself to be what others wanted me to be. But I've spent the last few years actively avoiding that, and I'm still getting these comments?? And, most people can spot a phony a mile away, and avoid them like the plague. And the great majority of all these comments were completely unsolicited, with no ulterior motive that I can see.

So, I don't get it. Do other people get these kinda comments, and I'm just not privy to them? Am I truly this unique? Are people this easily impressed? 'Cause honestly, at this point, there are very few people I really give a fuck if I impress anymore, and those I do, I try to curtail the urge, and usually (I hope) succeed.

I mean, yeah, I'm a good person, and I try to do (what I consider to be) good things, and these aren't usually the things the rest of the world considers to be "good". But these kinda comments just seem a little over the top to me.

I dunno. Maybe I'm just fabulous or something. That would be a pain-in-the-ass paradigm shift to assimilate...