bookofmirrors | What to Write.......

I was originally going to post about car angst... but I'm really no longer in the mood to do that. It'll probably be an entry later, though.

I rarely listen to music on my computer. Mostly 'cause I don't have a huge fucking collection of mp3s on my hard drive like

blckwngdorcl does, and I rarely download music from the internet. I basically leave that to him. He has a better system than I have, anyway. I'd rather download porn. But I've been hankering to hear Live for a while now, so I finally got around to bringing the CD downstairs, and I'm listening to it the second time around now.

This CD (Throwing Copper) was one I listened to frequently about the time I was starting to fall in love with Fig, and when I was divorcing Leo. So, every time I listen to the songs on the CD that I associate with those times, I'm transported to that time. Listening to Iris tonight, I could feel a surpressed rage. That song always reminded me of Fig, and the fateful incident of the first time I gave him head, with all the things that followed. I tried to allow myself to feel it, and felt my usual frustration, not only that I tend to cut myself off from that emotion, and from the expression of it, but that I really can't scream and hit things when people are trying to sleep. I can't wait till I start Core again.

Anyway, I'm gonna include the lyrics to Iris, with my commentary on why I have the associations I do...

I liked the way my hand looked on your head
(In) The presence of my knuckles
But the beauty of this vision alone,
Just like yesterday's sunset,
Has been perverted by the sentimental
And mistaken for love.

The felix of your truth will always break it
And the iris of your eye will always shake it
And the armies, the armies I have created
Will always hate it
will always bait you on

I liked the way my hand looked on your head
In the presence of my struggle.
But the beauty of this vision alone,
I can't shake from my tree just yet.
It keeps invading all my private moments.
Listen to me now.

The felix of your truth will always break it
And the iris of your eye will always shake it
And the armies, the armies I have created
Will always hate it
will always bait you on

Till I take their place
Till I take their place
Till I take their
Price

(That last stanza I'm guessing on the words - that portion of the song isn't on the dustcover, and it's hard to tell just what he's saying)

Commentary

The whole song, to me was as if Fig were talking to me, after I gave him head for the first time. The first stanza was basically, "Yeah, I liked it when you gave me head, but don't read too much into it." The whole hand-on-head/knuckles thing has always given me a strong visual of a guy with his hands buried in a chick's hair as she bobs his cock. The second verse (not the chorus) was kind of a allusion to that 70s song whose name I can't remember right now... "I keep your picture upon the wall. It hides a messy stain that's lying there. So don't you ask me to give it back, 'cause you know it really doesn't mean that much to me." Basically the whole song was pretty much a methinks thou dost protest too much song. Ditto for the second verse of Iris. The chorus basically says to me, "Yeah, maybe in my deepest darkest moments I might admit to myself (but never to you) that I have feelings for you, but I'll always resent you that I have them."

Yeah... pretty much sums up our relationship, in a lot of ways.

And do you know, when I was in the middle of car angst earlier today, and I knew that

blckwngdorcl was asleep, I toyed with the idea of calling Fig, simply because I knew he'd understand what I was going through, 'cause he'd been with through all the other similar times, and I couldn't think of anyone else who'd get it as well.

I didn't, of course. But I look forward to the day I can interact with him (or at least imagine interacting with him) without all the other stuff creeping up. I could practically imagine that pretty clearly today, 'cause I was so focused on the car thing, and not on my issues with him.

Maybe that's progress. I hope so.