Utopia, and When It All Falls Down
Mar. 1st, 2003 08:07 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
bookofmirrorsI'm cut-tagging this one, too, but for a different reason. Partially the length, but I also want to give any of my ex-coworkers who read this an out. I've grown a lot, in my opinion, in relation to that whole drama, but it has affected me, and I'd like to get it all down here. Frankly, I'd really like anyone who falls in that category to read and comment, because this post isn't going to be about what happened (except as needed for clarity), whose fault it was, or the drama involved. Some of that needs to be there, again, for clarity, otherwise the casual reader won't know what the fuck is going on, but this is gonna be about me. After all, this is what the LiveJournal is for.
OK, keep in mind, in K'La's little world, everything happens for a reason. A GOOD reason. Even if the reason is something along the lines of, 'See what a valuable thing it is to feel how hot the stove is? Next time, you'll be more careful.' And, to some extent, I think that's exactly what e-Lit was. It taught me a lot of things. Despite how it turned out, I still truly believe that the Utopia it was originally made out to be is a damn good way to run a company, and I will be forever searching for a company that does it right, until I create one of my own. :) In that sense, the whole experience was a very hopeful one. Watching the Utopia come crashing down wasn't easy. It still isn't. There is definitely a sense of resentment there, but it's mostly one of confusion. From my (albeit limited) standpoint, everything was going well. I'm not talking about all the financial issues that came to light later. I'm talking about the whole FLAVOR of the company, the sense of comraderie, the great vibes of the whole thing. So, I just don't get why it had to change. I mean, truly, I don't think it did. Some things, yeah, to comply with the law, like deciding who was exempt and who wasn't, and paying them accordingly, but a lot of the other stuff, like dress codes and invasive contracts just didn't need to happen. And the Jeff I thought I knew would never have done those things to us. It was/is hard. It feels like being abandoned, being punished. And that's hard to deal with, 'cause I don't see a cause for it. It's hard to accept that it really has nothing to do with me, and there's nothing I can fix about it. I always want to fix things.
At the same time, there's a lot of anger surrounding it. There's a betrayal there. Not as much for me as for my friends, but when it all comes down to it, betrayal is always an emotional thing. Had Jeff said that he made a mistake and couldn't do what he promised anymore, I don't think it would have been as much of an issue, if any at all. It was never about the money, really, at least not for me. It was about the integrity of the situation.
So, here's where I start to ask myself why I ended up in this situation... What was the lesson I was trying to teach myself? What was I trying to experience that would help me as I go on in life?
I think I'm still discovering that, to some extent, but there are some things I've learned, in addition to what I wrote above.
The first and foremost thing is that it's not all black and white. No pun intended, for those of you who would understand the irony. Jeff was unethical, but we (the Utopians, and most of the people who came after, to some extent) enabled it. We bought into the dream, which in and of itself isn't a bad thing. It was/is a good dream. But, every time he came to us, hat in hands, saying that he didn't have enough money to buy software licenses, or to pay us on time, or to buy backup equipment, we tolerated it. And every day we didn't tell him he either had to do it right or we would leave, we enabled him. I wasn't a part of most of those decisions, but my energy was behind it all, and I am just as responsible as those who pulled the trigger, so to speak. Just by being there, and being passive, we allowed it all to happen. We did just enough to cover our ass, but we never put our foot down. No one (to the best of my knowledge) ever told him NO to anything major. So, while I personally believe all software should be open source, the fact that it ISN'T, and we were using unlicensed software, doesn't take away the personal responsibility for using it. (Something Rob's been trying to drill into my head for years, incidentally.) Nor for allowing it to continue. I'm not trying to pawn off my own personal responsibility for it by using the word "we". I am equally responsible, but not wholly so. None of us are wholly responsible for it, not even Jeff. Shortcuts were taken, mistakes were made, and EVERYONE was a part of that. Whether the intentions were good or not really makes no difference at this point. Which is strange for me to say. Usually, intentions count for a LOT to me. But, in this case, I think it's gone beyond that. Mistakes were made. Period. Doesn't matter why.
What matters now is how we deal with it.
And, I'm ashamed to say, I haven't always dealt with it well. In fact, I did something I'm ashamed of. If anyone still working there is reading this, read the next paragraph with caution. Do what you want with the information, but I'm trying to respect limits here, and give people plausible deniability. If you choose to skip it, that's fine, too. Some of you have already heard it.
Some people may remember a post I made a while back regarding magickal vs. mundane revenge. Basically, to sum up, I came to the conclusion that mundane methods of vengeance are pointless and accomplish nothing, and that doing it magickally is the way to go. So, with that in mind, I went completely against my own principles in a pique of anger and self-righteousness. I had just made a post to an egroup I have so we can all stay in touch, and had posted a few numbers where people could get in touch with various authorities to see justice done and all that. One of the numbers/websites I posted was one to report software piracy. Well, immediately after hitting send on the post, I went to the site myself, and reported e-Lit. It felt good in that hollow sort of way that pointless spiteful vengeance does, at least for a while. When I was done, I checked my email again.![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
fornorald had posted something in response to what I had posted, basically saying to think before I did anything rash that I would later regret. Of course, by then, it was too late. I see the wisdom of his words now, and appreciate that he tried to offer me that wisdom. But here's why I'm ashamed of it. Mainly, because I went against my own principles. I had gone through a lot of thought on mundane vengeance, and had decided against it; then I go and do it. What the fuck is up with that? In addition to that, I used the software while I was there, knowing full well it wasn't licensed. And you know what? I really don't give a fuck that it wasn't. As I said before, I think all of it should be open source. I have no real major moral qualms about software piracy in general. Don't ask me why that doesn't contradict my earlier statement about the legality of it versus the ethics of it. In my head, it makes perfect sense. Further, I have copied software on my own computer at home, so what kind of hypocritical bullshit am I pulling to narc on someone else for it? Bottom line is, I was hurt, and I wanted Jeff to hurt, too. And that's not a good place to come from. I made a mistake. I regret it. How to solve it? Not sure I can take back what I did. I got an email from the website, asking for more information, and sent them an email back, basically stating that I was sorry to have wasted their time, and didn't wish to speak about the matter any further. I don't know what will happen in relation to that. I'd love to take it back, but I don't think I can. I'm responsible for it, and I accept that, albeit with reluctance. Also, I'm either going to license the software I have, or switch to Linux with some sort of Windows GUI. And, most of all, I'm going to make better choices next time.
OK, welcome back, for anyone who skipped the above. It'll still be there if you change your mind later. :)
Anyway, to get back to the whole work thing, I think the main thing I'm moving forward with is that Jeff's not the devil, the Utopians (of which I am one) are not angels, and I'm basically done with the drama. I support others to get what they feel is their due, and I'm not going to narc anyone (else) out for doing whatever they feel is necessary to do, and I'll sit in the witness stand and tell the truth as I see it, and let justice be done in the mundane world. And I'll do a ritual (long overdue) to divorce myself energetically from the whole thing, while keeping the lesson. I'll call down Karma without prejudice, on everyone involved, including myself, and learn the lesson(s) I asked the Universe to teach me, and hope everyone else does the same.
In the meantime, I hope I can keep in contact with those people who are supposed to be shunning me, because I enjoyed their company, and still do. Drop me a line. You know my email. :)
OK, keep in mind, in K'La's little world, everything happens for a reason. A GOOD reason. Even if the reason is something along the lines of, 'See what a valuable thing it is to feel how hot the stove is? Next time, you'll be more careful.' And, to some extent, I think that's exactly what e-Lit was. It taught me a lot of things. Despite how it turned out, I still truly believe that the Utopia it was originally made out to be is a damn good way to run a company, and I will be forever searching for a company that does it right, until I create one of my own. :) In that sense, the whole experience was a very hopeful one. Watching the Utopia come crashing down wasn't easy. It still isn't. There is definitely a sense of resentment there, but it's mostly one of confusion. From my (albeit limited) standpoint, everything was going well. I'm not talking about all the financial issues that came to light later. I'm talking about the whole FLAVOR of the company, the sense of comraderie, the great vibes of the whole thing. So, I just don't get why it had to change. I mean, truly, I don't think it did. Some things, yeah, to comply with the law, like deciding who was exempt and who wasn't, and paying them accordingly, but a lot of the other stuff, like dress codes and invasive contracts just didn't need to happen. And the Jeff I thought I knew would never have done those things to us. It was/is hard. It feels like being abandoned, being punished. And that's hard to deal with, 'cause I don't see a cause for it. It's hard to accept that it really has nothing to do with me, and there's nothing I can fix about it. I always want to fix things.
At the same time, there's a lot of anger surrounding it. There's a betrayal there. Not as much for me as for my friends, but when it all comes down to it, betrayal is always an emotional thing. Had Jeff said that he made a mistake and couldn't do what he promised anymore, I don't think it would have been as much of an issue, if any at all. It was never about the money, really, at least not for me. It was about the integrity of the situation.
So, here's where I start to ask myself why I ended up in this situation... What was the lesson I was trying to teach myself? What was I trying to experience that would help me as I go on in life?
I think I'm still discovering that, to some extent, but there are some things I've learned, in addition to what I wrote above.
The first and foremost thing is that it's not all black and white. No pun intended, for those of you who would understand the irony. Jeff was unethical, but we (the Utopians, and most of the people who came after, to some extent) enabled it. We bought into the dream, which in and of itself isn't a bad thing. It was/is a good dream. But, every time he came to us, hat in hands, saying that he didn't have enough money to buy software licenses, or to pay us on time, or to buy backup equipment, we tolerated it. And every day we didn't tell him he either had to do it right or we would leave, we enabled him. I wasn't a part of most of those decisions, but my energy was behind it all, and I am just as responsible as those who pulled the trigger, so to speak. Just by being there, and being passive, we allowed it all to happen. We did just enough to cover our ass, but we never put our foot down. No one (to the best of my knowledge) ever told him NO to anything major. So, while I personally believe all software should be open source, the fact that it ISN'T, and we were using unlicensed software, doesn't take away the personal responsibility for using it. (Something Rob's been trying to drill into my head for years, incidentally.) Nor for allowing it to continue. I'm not trying to pawn off my own personal responsibility for it by using the word "we". I am equally responsible, but not wholly so. None of us are wholly responsible for it, not even Jeff. Shortcuts were taken, mistakes were made, and EVERYONE was a part of that. Whether the intentions were good or not really makes no difference at this point. Which is strange for me to say. Usually, intentions count for a LOT to me. But, in this case, I think it's gone beyond that. Mistakes were made. Period. Doesn't matter why.
What matters now is how we deal with it.
And, I'm ashamed to say, I haven't always dealt with it well. In fact, I did something I'm ashamed of. If anyone still working there is reading this, read the next paragraph with caution. Do what you want with the information, but I'm trying to respect limits here, and give people plausible deniability. If you choose to skip it, that's fine, too. Some of you have already heard it.
Some people may remember a post I made a while back regarding magickal vs. mundane revenge. Basically, to sum up, I came to the conclusion that mundane methods of vengeance are pointless and accomplish nothing, and that doing it magickally is the way to go. So, with that in mind, I went completely against my own principles in a pique of anger and self-righteousness. I had just made a post to an egroup I have so we can all stay in touch, and had posted a few numbers where people could get in touch with various authorities to see justice done and all that. One of the numbers/websites I posted was one to report software piracy. Well, immediately after hitting send on the post, I went to the site myself, and reported e-Lit. It felt good in that hollow sort of way that pointless spiteful vengeance does, at least for a while. When I was done, I checked my email again.
fornorald had posted something in response to what I had posted, basically saying to think before I did anything rash that I would later regret. Of course, by then, it was too late. I see the wisdom of his words now, and appreciate that he tried to offer me that wisdom. But here's why I'm ashamed of it. Mainly, because I went against my own principles. I had gone through a lot of thought on mundane vengeance, and had decided against it; then I go and do it. What the fuck is up with that? In addition to that, I used the software while I was there, knowing full well it wasn't licensed. And you know what? I really don't give a fuck that it wasn't. As I said before, I think all of it should be open source. I have no real major moral qualms about software piracy in general. Don't ask me why that doesn't contradict my earlier statement about the legality of it versus the ethics of it. In my head, it makes perfect sense. Further, I have copied software on my own computer at home, so what kind of hypocritical bullshit am I pulling to narc on someone else for it? Bottom line is, I was hurt, and I wanted Jeff to hurt, too. And that's not a good place to come from. I made a mistake. I regret it. How to solve it? Not sure I can take back what I did. I got an email from the website, asking for more information, and sent them an email back, basically stating that I was sorry to have wasted their time, and didn't wish to speak about the matter any further. I don't know what will happen in relation to that. I'd love to take it back, but I don't think I can. I'm responsible for it, and I accept that, albeit with reluctance. Also, I'm either going to license the software I have, or switch to Linux with some sort of Windows GUI. And, most of all, I'm going to make better choices next time.OK, welcome back, for anyone who skipped the above. It'll still be there if you change your mind later. :)
Anyway, to get back to the whole work thing, I think the main thing I'm moving forward with is that Jeff's not the devil, the Utopians (of which I am one) are not angels, and I'm basically done with the drama. I support others to get what they feel is their due, and I'm not going to narc anyone (else) out for doing whatever they feel is necessary to do, and I'll sit in the witness stand and tell the truth as I see it, and let justice be done in the mundane world. And I'll do a ritual (long overdue) to divorce myself energetically from the whole thing, while keeping the lesson. I'll call down Karma without prejudice, on everyone involved, including myself, and learn the lesson(s) I asked the Universe to teach me, and hope everyone else does the same.
In the meantime, I hope I can keep in contact with those people who are supposed to be shunning me, because I enjoyed their company, and still do. Drop me a line. You know my email. :)
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no subject
Date: 2003-03-02 03:55 am (UTC)So, how do you like it? Is it easy to use? I'm waiting to find someone who can install it on my system with an overnight turnaround time, locked, loaded, and ready to go. Know anyone like that? ;)
no subject
Date: 2003-03-02 09:02 am (UTC)If you're interested, I can come over sometime to install it on your system as well. You'll have to say goodbye to all the games, though. This may be a deal breaker for
no subject
Date: 2003-03-02 10:07 am (UTC)Seriously, though, we've talked about it, and he's gonna keep Windows on his machine for that exact reason. We do wanna network 'em, though, and I'm hoping that won't be a problem.
His days off this week are today and Wednesday, although we might be doing the therapy thing on Wednesday. Don't know what my schedule is yet, other than I start on Wednesday. Hmmm... Maybe next week would be better... We could do dinner or something as your fee. :)
no subject
Date: 2003-03-02 10:28 am (UTC)Next weekend is bad, since