Storms

[bookofmirrors]

Several weeks ago, I was talking online to logomancer, and shortly thereafter to jupitercornwall about blckwngdorcl's decision to leave work and pursue his dream of writing music/poems/lyrics. As I've said before, I was wholeheartedly in support of this, and was happy to be able to (barely, if that, it turns out) make enough money to support the two of us while he did this. When he first made this decision, I made it clear that I would kill him if he spent all his time on the computer, playing games, rather than doing what he said he was going to do.

When he first started out, he realized that nothing was really coming to him, so I suggested that he try to connect more with himself, with Deity, and whatnot. He agreed that was a good idea, and that he had felt very disconnected lately, and decided to pursue that. He did this about twice a week, maybe for an hour or so each time. (Correct me if I'm wrong, hon.) In the meantime, he and I agreed that his online computer gaming time would be limited to when I worked. (This included the Friday IRL games with wyzard_vyrnahnn, acid0philus, and mistressrain.) Granted, this was 40/week in gaming, but I figured that since it was concentrated, he could gorge himself on it over a weekend, and have the whole week to work on himself, his music, or whatever.

Given the time spent I mentioned above, this wasn't happening in practice.

So, I'm lamenting about this online to them. I won't really go into what was said. but it made me do a lot of thinking.

This resulted in me taking a long bath, trying to meditate, connect, what have you. I had very little luck with this, and kept getting this strong sense that action over thought was what was really needed here.

So, with much reluctance, I asked him to go out to the car with me. As an aside, I love my housemates dearly, but I still shy away from crying a lot in front of anyone but my therapist and my husband, and I suspected it was going to be one of those times, and I didn't want any fear of mine to minimize what I would let myself feel, or how I would let myself react to it.

The conversation in the car was longer than it needed to be, I think. I also think it was rambling and incoherent. I don't remember really what was said. I remember saying things out loud that were really internal dialogue, and I certainly give blckwngdorcl credit for making sense out of it. Or, maybe he didn't, and was just respecting my request to not say anything till I was done talking. Anyway. I couldn't believe how fucking hard it was. bulwerk's rants aside, I truly do believe that each person has the right to follow their own path, regardless of how I feel about it. When that path encroaches on mine, however, it becomes a gray area, and one to which I have consistently capitulated to whenever the issue has come up, with anyone. So, I spent a great deal of the "conversation" sobbing hysterically, voicing aloud the internal dialogue about how hard it was to do this, and how I felt bad about it, and how, goddammit, it shouldn't matter to me if it would hurt him or not, 'cause I needed to do it for ME, and that the results of it didn't matter so much as the fact that I actually did it, and on and on and on, until I finally just DID it.

I laid down the ultimatim. Get a job. Go to school. Immerse yourself in your music, for real this time. Pick one, and do it. But no more bullshit. And frankly, now that we're talking about it, I can't do the financial stuff on my own, so you NEED to get a job.

Whew. That's almost as scary now as it was then.

To be honest, I don't really remember what he said. I remember he took it well, had seen it coming. I gave him till Tuesday (it was a Wednesday, I think) to decide what he was going to do about it.

But standing up for myself, not allowing myself to be used, no matter how much I supported the cause was just about the hardest thing I've ever done, if not THE hardest.

And now that's it's past, and decisions have been made, I keep expecting there to be this bolt of lightning from the blue - some little spark in myself that's been unleashed now that I've taken this step, something that makes me see the world from a different perspective. SOMETHING.

And yet, there isn't.

And I'm kinda pissed by that. I mean, what was the fucking point, then? And, on the other hand, I have to believe (lest I go crazy) that it WAS for a purpose, and it DID have a lasting impact, and that things WILL go better in general, and that it wasn't all for nothing. Certainly, I think, there are some changes in blckwngdorcl's life, but goddammit, this wasn't for him. Nor was it for logomancer or jupitercornwall, although I sent both ecards after the fact for the role they played. (By the way... I'm not sure I've ever done that with profundis, who has been a pretty constant source of support, ass-kicking, and shoulder for a long time now. If I haven't sent you a card, hon, I owe you several.) But... well... I guess I just thought more would come of it. So, I'm disappointed by that, but trying to remain hopeful for things to go on an upward curve, and I'm aware that I need to KEEP doing that work to make it happen.

There are a lot of things that happened the next day regarding blckwngdorcl, but that's his story to tell, if he chooses to do so. I realize now that my part in this story really ends here.

Comments

[profundis.livejournal.com]

I'm not sure I've ever done that with profundis, who has been a pretty constant source of support, ass-kicking, and shoulder for a long time now. If I haven't sent you a card, hon, I owe you several

Thanks, hon...but you don't have to send me any cards. I'll settle for a visit or lunch sometime. :)