bookofmirrors | Moving Right Along...

Well, I finally got back to the post that Rob was talking about. Silly Rob. Of *course* I was bringing you up in relationship to all my other relationships. That was the purpose of the whole damn post - to explore that. Geez... :)

Anyway... Apparently I left off just before Christmas. I had specifially mentioned that I wanted to post something about the trips to and from Indiana. I remember a couple of things that came from those trips that I thought were significant. I have to go backwards slightly to a party that happened before then, though.

Glenn and I went to the Trybalaka party - which was NOT the same thing as the Vulgar Labrynth party, even though I had gotten them melded in my head. Anyway, the subject of polyamory came up, and people were talking about what it meant and all that. They were talking about how it related to relationships, and how hard it was to work at all those relationships and all that. They really focussed on the relationships, and I'm thinking how different my views on all that were and was wondering if the polyamory thing was really even for me. I have no interest in pursuing a relationship outside Glenn. I have no desire for another partner. I just want someone with whom having sex is within the realm of many other activities that people can engage in while hanging out. I wanna be able to call someone up and say, "Hey, wanna get together and fuck?" just as easily as I would call them and say, "Hey, wanna meet somewhere for coffee?" And I don't mean that as casually as it would seem. I would have to really know the person well, and like them as a person and all that. But once that stage in the friendship had been reached and all parties are willing... just one more thing to add to the repertoire. And having sex would mean nothing less than any other activity that someone enjoys doing with someone else (such as, say, meeting for coffee). And, it would mean only slightly more. I don't mean that in a love-em-and-leave-em sorta way. But I certainly don't want someone hanging all over me and thinking our relationship had suddenly become all hearts and flowers just 'cause we fucked. It hasn't. Unless it was hearts and flowers before, in which case, nothing would have changed. That's my point, I guess. Just because I fuck someone doesn't mean I'm in love with them. And I certainly don't want someone clingy to be after me just because we shared a moment. But, by the same token, I don't want them to get all weirded out by it and go away, either. Basically, I want everything to stay just as it was.

Now granted, I know that won't ever truly happen. Every moment you spend with someone colors every moment after that, and any activity, sexual or not, will have that result. But, just because it's *sex*, it doesn't have to mean anything MORE than anything else would have.

I find it really hard to try to describe this. It sounds trite, and I so don't mean it that way.

But, on to the discussion.

So, I bring all this up to Glenn the next day, when we're driving to Indiana. I love long car trips with people I love. I have absolutely some of the BEST conversations that way. Even if it's with someone I don't love, I almost always have something new to really appreciate about them by the time it's over.

Anyway, I'm explaining all this to him. He doesn't exactly get it. For him, there's definitely love involved. Now, don't get me wrong - if I'm fucking you, I love you, at least on some level - I wouldn't be interested in fucking you if I didn't... but I digress. He loves Kim, and any sex he might have with her will be with that in mind. For him, there's definitely a higher level to be achieved. That's fine, I'm good with that. I expressed some concern that if we ever went poly again with these differing attitudes, I would certainly be fucking other people more often than he does. Not to mention more people. He said he was good with that, which is entirely consistent with what he's said in the past regarding potential discrepencies in our extracirricular love life ("I don't keep score like that.") Have I mentioned I have the best husband in the whole wide world? :)

So, the conversation continues, and we get to talking about how we would do it if we were poly, and how that would all pan out. In the past, in the short time we were poly (mostly in theory, not much in practice), there were rules to it. Most of the rules I followed were self-imposed. If we were at a party or something, I wouldn't play unless he were in plain sight, and able to see what was going on. It's hard to have veto rights if you don't see what you're potentially vetoing, after all. We both agreed that penetration was reserved for each other (although we had discussed a few exceptions), and maybe a few other rules I can't think of right now.

Then, of course, we started having sexual issues of our own, and we decided that we didn't want to run from our own issues by running into the arms of others. We wanted to face our own issues rather than run from them. I'm so proud of both of us for that. Anyway, anyone who's read the past stuff knows all about those issues, and I'm sure they'll come up in the future, too.

But we were talking about all this, and discussing our differences in the polyamory (or, in my case, polysexual) world, and how we would do things differently than we had originally decided once we were polyamorous again. And, suddenly, I realized I was good with it. I wasn't worried about him being with someone else, and I didn't feel like if he was it would take away from me. I still wanted first billing, at least most of the time, but I no longer resented the idea that he might take out his smaller-than-average sex drive on someone other than myself. And I realized I no longer resented the idea of having to go elsewhere when I should be getting it at home. And certainly it isn't a matter of HAVING to... But I mentioned this to him, and he said he felt the same way. And, it just felt right. So, easy as that, we were polyamorous again. Fewer rules this time. No restrictions on actions. We've decided we trust each others' judgement when it comes to things like being careful regarding pregnancy and diseases, and with whom we choose to be poly/amorous/sexual.

And, the funny thing is, now that I have pretty much free rein, I haven't the foggiest what to do with it. Not even sure I wanna use it right now.

Which, to me, means it was the right time to come to this decision. Neither of us are desperate to rush out and fuck anyone. We're both just feeling no pressure in either direction, and we have the freedom to make our own choices.

And that feels really good, regardless of what comes of it.