Whining

[bookofmirrors]

I'm finally caught up on email and LJ. I was way behind.

My plan now is to go finish the laundry I started, and to finally get my closet clean - this includes weeding out the clothes I no longer intend to wear, putting a bunch of stuff aside to give to charity (or if anyone wants to come over and pick through it, that's fine, too), and getting all that shit taken care of. Also, to watch a bunch of DVRed shows while I do it.

I'm feeling melancholy today. I've been going out of my way to eat healthier, a great deal of the time, and a quick trip to the doctor on Friday (rash on left leg, ganglion cyst in left hand), which always includes weight and the usual vitals signs shows that I haven't lost a damn thing. Or, if I did, I started out much heavier than I thought. Plus that fact that my rash was diagnosed as cellulitis, which I always had stuck in my head as something only REALLY fat people get. *looks at self* Yeah. 'Nuff said. Feeling very helpless and sorry for myself as a result.

Also, am sad that I'm not going to DragonCon. I really wanted to go today, and I'm not, for reasons I won't get into here.

And my house is a mess. There's a sense of limbo, what with LuneNoire moving out soon, 'cause I know I'll have more room to manuever once he (and his stuff) are gone, but in the meantime, the place is just a sty, and I hate it. And it's gotten to the point where it feels so overwhelming that the thought of tackling it just makes me want to burst into tears. And leaving it this way makes me more and more depressed.

I'm working a lot again, so I have very little time to be at home. I'm very tired, so my days off I just want to vegatate, which my body really needs, but it doesn't get the house clean. LuneNoire and BlckwngdOrcl are helping out, of course, but there's so much that needs to be done that only I know what I want done and how to do it. And I'm feeling too tired and overwhelmed to do it, then I feel guilty for resting, which just depresses me more... you get the vicious circle.

I saw on the news the other night that Home Depot laid off a bunch of people, so I was worried about Logomancer; I came home and read his LJ straight away, and was relieved to see that he wasn't laid off, but of course that made me sad, too, 'cause he no longer considers me his friend, and, in the past, I'd be there for him in those stressful kinds of circumstances. I remember the time he called me when he got fired from a job... and any number of other calls. It makes me sad, and angry. I feel thrown away, worthless.

Being on my period doesn't help, as it seems to make me even more emotional. I was sobbing the other day after having petted the cats at Petsmart waiting for adoption. I want so much to learn animal communication (re-learn, open up the portal I've closed, however you wanna word it) and start down that path. There's so much GOOD I could do! But, I keep making those poor choices that GaeasSon was talking about, and right now, I'm just wallowing in that misery, and not feeling able to just slap myself in the face and move on, and make better choices.

Apparently, LJ only holds your pics and such as inactive for a certain period of time if you don't renew your paid account. I seem to have lost my icons and my gallery. I don't know if I can get them back. This bums me no end. And not sure when I can renew. I meant to this week, but I just plain forgot.

Anyway, I have more to whine about, but I'll stop here.

A few things I'm thankful for, to even it out.

That I have a home, and can pay for it.
Witches Brew coffee from the Coffee Shop of Horrors at D*Con.
Soon-to-be-obtained Heaven's Breath from IndigoSkynet
That BlckwngdOrcl might get a Utili-kilt at DragonCon, if he can afford it. I told him I wanted him to buy me something (besides the coffee), and he said he thought that would be a gift for both of us. I'd be totally OK with that. And a coffee mug. :)

(Back on the whiny side, way bummed that Pete Abrams doesn't seem to be at the Con this year. No Sluggy t-shirt. Badness.)

Comments

[isarma.livejournal.com]

On the weight thing: I don't know if this helps, but if you haven't been weighing yourself and you do wear clothes with alot of *give*, you probably have lost weight and started off higher than you thought. This happened to me. If you have changed your diet significantly, your body is probably responding. Unfortunately, those of us who keep putting on weight don't want to deal with it, so denial kicks in. I found having a working scale at home helps, alot. Yeah, I don't obsess about every half pound or weigh myself a million times a day, but if I start to put weight on, I know before it hits 10 pounds, you know? I really recommend exercising, even if it's light, regularly. I know it feels like you're too tired or don't have time, but 20 or 30 minutes a few times a week takes very little time and it'll make you feel less tired and better, etc. I really struggle with it when I slack, cause it's so hard to get going again, but I'm so thankful once I've been doing it a few days. I've noticed I get depressed if I don't exercise at all and then I'm so lazy and depressed it's hard to gear up again...it's a cycle, I'm trying to learn moderation. LOL

And, more on moderation, on veg time, I've discovered that if I say, "I just need to chill a bit. I'll give myself X amount of time to do just that." I feel refreshed and energized and great, whereas if I take a big chunk of time and I don't do anything, I feel guilty which leads to more depression and lazy. So, what works for me is allowing myself a reasonable amount of time to relax and forcing productivity sometimes. Then I feel like the lazy time is a good reward and I can sit back and look at what I have done and not feel overwhelmed.

[bookofmirrors.livejournal.com]

Yeah, that's exactly how I feel, as far as not doing it, and the repurcussions of that.

I had a scale, that stopped working after the move; I thought it was just batteries, but when I got around to replacing them, turned out it was just toast. I need a new one.

Thanks a lot for this. There's a lot of fear for me to move beyond, but I like what you said.

[isarma.livejournal.com]

NP. I completely understand, I've been struggling with some of the same stuff.

[dragontdc.livejournal.com]

I have been giving a lot of thought to the choice theory that gaeasson was talking about, and why it seemed so wrong to me and I think I have it now.

The theory is qualitatively prejudiced against the "poor" option, making it seem as if there are only two options, rich and poor, and that rich is good and poor is bad, and that all choices that make one poorer are bad and all those that make one richer are good.

It also doesn't take chance into consideration at all, while chance is a major factor in most people's lives. Perhaps "chance" isn't the right word. Most of our lives are very complex systems, including interations with other people and many, many environmental and consequential factors. For just about everyone, the total variables in these systems are orders of magnitude too complex for us to predict with enough accuracy to be well prepared for all events.

Sometimes, shit happens we aren't prepared for, and dealing with it takes our wealth downwards.

This isn't counting the fact that most money-making endeavors involve an element of risk. The greater the payoff potential, the greater the risk. Even if we are astute and informed enough to avoid the worst risks, risk itself means there is a chance of failure, and therefore in any set of people trying risky things, a percentage will fail. gaeasson's model doesn't take this into account at all.

So much for the statistical fallacies. Perhaps the greatest wrong, in a moral sense, that his model commits is the perjorification of sacrifice. A woman sacrifices her chance to go to college to raise her child rather than giing it up for adoption, for example. Often one finds very poor people sacrificing many opportunities for the sakes of staying with people who "need them". Sometimes they are victims of codependency, but sometimes they are merely acting from a sense of duty and affection.

And there are quality-of-life sacrifices as well. Those expenditures we make for our own psychological well-being when we could save and suffer.

These last two would seem to indicate that there are things we often value more than money.

So if we are poor by choice, perhaps it is only in money that we are really poor, and our choices have made us richer in other ways.

[bookofmirrors.livejournal.com]

Hmmmm.... all good points, but did you mean to post them here?

[dragontdc.livejournal.com]

Why not? Your post seemed to address the matter, and you seemed a bit bothered by it, so I responded. Perhaps I should repost it in my own journal. Or on his.

[bookofmirrors.livejournal.com]

Well, yeah, my response to his post did. But this post didn't. Unless you're seeing something between my lines on this post that I'm not. If so, please let me know. Lord knows I can use all the insight I can get.

*bemused*

[dragontdc.livejournal.com]

No specific insights, just a general feeling that you were discontent with your financial situation and were applying his model to your own situation and not liking what you saw. So I felt maybe a different perspective would help you see things in a more positive light.

[bookofmirrors.livejournal.com]

Ahhhh... yesss... I've re-read your post with that in mind, and it makes much more sense now.

Thank you for that. I do feel like I often make "poor" choices that I could also attribute to having different priorities under which I might make a "richer" choice. I always feel like no one gets that.

Thanks again, for getting it. :)