Its amazing to me that you have gotten to the point in your own personal progress where you can clearly do this level of introspective work and come to its resolution so clearly. I am definitely inspired by that. However, I feel that although you have found your own personal truth (which is a beautifal thing) that there was a blanket statement made in this post that just did not sit right with me. Since upon first coming out into the Pagan community in Georgia (um, a few yeras ago ;0 ) I have found myself around many advocates for your lifestyle, and have even had pointed remarks made to me about my lack of personal development if I was not involved with the lifestyle myself. Being the ever curious creature that I am I decided to broaden my horizons years ago and find out if there was in fact something that I was missing. I involved myself in relationships with partners where I was on both sides of the fence. I did my own introspective work and discovered for myself what did and did not work for me. For whatever reason, on a soul deep level I am not polyamorous. I have found my own personal truth to be that although I enjoy being polysexual when my heart is not attached to anyone in particular, that when I truly give all of myself to someone like I have with my husband, I am just not interested in participating in anything with anyone else. I'm certainly not implying that this is what is right for everyone, because everyone is different, this is just what I have found to be right for me. Now to address the blanket statement: "If someone were to say they were in a relationship where their mate said that they didn't really want them visiting their friends anymore - especially those friends of their preferred romantic interests. They'd rather not they meet them for coffee, go out to the movies, have them over for dinner. Anyone would say this is, if not downright emotionally abusive, certainly a red flag for someone who is, or might be, abusive in nature." I am one of those individuals who finds it disrespectful if the person that I have given myself to (heart, soul, mind, and body) spends quality alone time with an individual of their preferred sexual gender. I have spend quite some time adddressing this with my therapist because my knee jerk reaction was that I was being controlling out of a place of fear. After many hours in therapy, and much personal journaling I find that it is my motives that matter. My motivation for this has nothing to do with my fear, rather it has to do with what I believe to be right for me on a soul deep level. Does it mean I prohibit them from doing so? Hell no! I would never want to be in that type of relationship. However, it does mean that upon getting clear with my feelings and personal boundaries it becomes my responsibility in the relationship to express how I feel to my loved one. Whether my loved one chooses to honor that or not is their choice, not one I make for them. My red flag would be if I was trying to control them, but also if I was not expressing something that was so important to me. It just woouldn't be honoring, loving, and respecting to myself. Wow, I hope that I have made clear in this post one thing...often I have found that people involved with the lifestyle rule those that are not in a class that I do not belong in, and tend to make blanket statement that to me are unfounded. I hope that I have made myself clear that I do not stand in judgement of you, but rather honor your choices, and I hope that someday those in the lifestyle can see past their own assumptions and prejudices regarding those who conciously choose (like myself) to not be a member.
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timeasmymeasure
A lot to chew on...
Date: 2006-08-13 10:35 am (UTC)Since upon first coming out into the Pagan community in Georgia (um, a few yeras ago ;0 ) I have found myself around many advocates for your lifestyle, and have even had pointed remarks made to me about my lack of personal development if I was not involved with the lifestyle myself. Being the ever curious creature that I am I decided to broaden my horizons years ago and find out if there was in fact something that I was missing. I involved myself in relationships with partners where I was on both sides of the fence. I did my own introspective work and discovered for myself what did and did not work for me. For whatever reason, on a soul deep level I am not polyamorous. I have found my own personal truth to be that although I enjoy being polysexual when my heart is not attached to anyone in particular, that when I truly give all of myself to someone like I have with my husband, I am just not interested in participating in anything with anyone else. I'm certainly not implying that this is what is right for everyone, because everyone is different, this is just what I have found to be right for me.
Now to address the blanket statement:
"If someone were to say they were in a relationship where their mate said that they didn't really want them visiting their friends anymore - especially those friends of their preferred romantic interests. They'd rather not they meet them for coffee, go out to the movies, have them over for dinner. Anyone would say this is, if not downright emotionally abusive, certainly a red flag for someone who is, or might be, abusive in nature."
I am one of those individuals who finds it disrespectful if the person that I have given myself to (heart, soul, mind, and body) spends quality alone time with an individual of their preferred sexual gender. I have spend quite some time adddressing this with my therapist because my knee jerk reaction was that I was being controlling out of a place of fear. After many hours in therapy, and much personal journaling I find that it is my motives that matter. My motivation for this has nothing to do with my fear, rather it has to do with what I believe to be right for me on a soul deep level. Does it mean I prohibit them from doing so? Hell no! I would never want to be in that type of relationship. However, it does mean that upon getting clear with my feelings and personal boundaries it becomes my responsibility in the relationship to express how I feel to my loved one. Whether my loved one chooses to honor that or not is their choice, not one I make for them. My red flag would be if I was trying to control them, but also if I was not expressing something that was so important to me. It just woouldn't be honoring, loving, and respecting to myself.
Wow, I hope that I have made clear in this post one thing...often I have found that people involved with the lifestyle rule those that are not in a class that I do not belong in, and tend to make blanket statement that to me are unfounded. I hope that I have made myself clear that I do not stand in judgement of you, but rather honor your choices, and I hope that someday those in the lifestyle can see past their own assumptions and prejudices regarding those who conciously choose (like myself) to not be a member.