bookofmirrors | The Next Step in Polyamory (Reply)

I'm trying to get in the mindset to do this again. I flit in and out of it, and I had mostly flitted out when I found out I'd be "able" to make this entry. I'm sure a great deal of it is avoidance. I seem to be "in the mood" and have the "right" circumstances to make the entry only when I'm tired, or don't have enough time to do it justice, or something like that.

Anyway,

As some of you may know,

BlckwngdOrcl made the decision a while back to start dating again - women, this time, and one woman in specific. Her (LJ) name has been mentioned in other entries, but I don't feel comfortable doing it here. This post isn't about her, at any rate, although I will give some background information, just for clarity's sake. (She's welcome to out herself in the comment section, if she likes.)

He's known and been attracted to her for years, long before I came along. They've played off and on, and the attraction has always been mutual. I know her, and like her, although I wouldn't say we've ever been really close close. When we ran in the same circles on a more consistent basis, and interacted with her and her friends/family more, it was always a running joke/tease about her and him. She's been on the "OK" list from almost day one. She's a good person, we've been at each others' houses, functions, etc., more times than I can count. There is no problem with her, just to make that abundantly clear from the start.

Also, she reads this. And I very much want her to know that I'm venting here, and nothing more. I hope I'll make that clear as I write this, and I'll be happy to talk about it afterwards, one-on-one, but I needed to get this out in its entirety first.

However, when he said out of the blue that he wanted to start dating her (again, sort of), it did take me a little bit by surprise. At that time, though, it was no big deal. I mean, it was inevitable, and pretty expected, but it had been on the back burner for so long that I'd forgotten about it. And life was good, yadayadayada.

Except as the day of their first date drew near, I found myself getting more and more anxious. Actually, that's an understatement. A big one.

Let me back up a little.

BlckwngdOrcl and I had a talk a while back, when I was questioning my desire to be polyamorous. At that time, I made it clear that, regardless of what I chose for myself, whatever decision he made about dating other people was his choice, not mine. If I decided to be only with him, that did NOT mean he had to become monogamous as well. The thought of dictating his choices like that was extremely distasteful to me. I like that he's his own person. Let me also say that I felt in NO WAY pressured to accept his decision. I could have said no. We've always had veto power for persons, or situations. But I had no desire whatsoever to do that.

At the time.

Again, sorta backing up, and as an FYI. I've already discussed all this with

BlckwngdOrcl, in some pretty lurid detail, although I was a little subdued in describing my reactions. This has not yet been discussed with her, so my apologies if it comes as a bit of a shock. This is how I process.

I'm going to break this post down in terms of Higher Self, Lower Self, and Mask (not in that order). It'll probably look neat and delineated on the virtual page, but trust me when I say that in my head, it's about the most chaotic maelstrom I've ever encountered in my own emotions. And that's saying a lot.

Let's start with the Mask. That's what everyone sees. I'm calm, I'm getting my shit done, I'm helping him plan the dates, making sure he's got what he needs, arranging my schedule accordingly, being supportive, greeting her at the door, being a pretty good, if somewhat distant and hopefully not cold, hostess for the whole thing. I've helped him pick out clothes for the dates, and other mundane things. I've, in a very detached way, discussed the ins and outs of it, from the mundanity of scheduling, to how it might affect him, her, me, and all permutations of us and them. I've expressed thoughts, concerns, opinions. The lines of communication between he and I have been fully open, and I haven't really hidden anything. On the other hand, when I speak of my emotions, it's typically from a place where I'm shut off from them. I speak about being happy, sad, grateful, hateful, and everything else, but I'm not laughing, crying, or raging when I make these statements. I've done all the right things, but in the most intellectualized of fashions. This is the state I've been living in, for the most part. Problem is, a healthy dose of therapy has made it very hard for me to shut off my emotions like I used to. Oh, don't get me wrong - it's still my first line of defense, and in that, it is very easy. But, I'm now AWARE that I'm doing it. I feel the discrepency between my actions and my emotions, and that discrepency is very painful to me.

My Higher Self is, luckily for me, pretty highly developed, pretty easily accessible, most of the time. In fact, this has been one of those rare times it hasn't been. But, when I have been in this place, I've been grateful for this experience. I think I'll have to write more on this later. It seems premature to write about it now.

My Lower Self. Well, that's another story.

I AM FREAKING THE FUCK OUT ABOUT THIS.

Not really enough italics or bolds codes to express that properly. I'm losing my fucking mind about it. And THIS is the state that I've been most in touch with since the day of their first date. It ebbs and flows, reaching highs on date days (and there've only been two!) and various shades of low on non-date days. Every insecurity I've ever had is bubbling beneath the surface. I am absolutely terrified of this. All these things run through my head. She's so much prettier than me. She's much closer to his ideal body type. He's so much more himself now than he was when I met him - what if that makes the dynamic change? What if he ends up liking her better? What if her recently-changed home situation makes her vulnerable to his (considerable) charm, and she ends up wanting more? Fears give way to anger. I want to rip him apart, rip her apart, rip myself apart... or rather, I already feel ripped apart. I'm absolutely frantic with the desire to run, the desire to fight, the desire to STOP THIS. Why is he doing this?? What does he see in her that he doesn't see in me?? Oh, God, he's going to leave me, 'cause she's so much [insert good quality here]-er than I am. I hate him, hate her, hate me. I want to destroy them, destroy myself, I already feel destroyed. How can he do this to me?? What have I done? What haven't I done? Oh, God, what's wrong with me??? The short answer is, I'm jealous. Jealous of the NRE, jealous of how pretty she is, what cute clothes she has, how much money she has... jealous of the sweet IM banter that mirrors what

BlckwngdOrcl and I had early on in our relationship. I want to be that captivating to him again/still. It breaks my heart.

It hurts.

Yeah. It's that bad. And way worse, 'cause trust me, the written word isn't expressing this very well, and just touches the tip of the iceberg.

Oh, but wait, there's more. Lower Self has two aspects. I've only described the Wounded Child side of it. My Sabateour also gets in on the act, of course.

I feel all these things, and I feel awful about it. Jesus Christ, what the fuck is WRONG with me??? I've never been jealous a day in my life! Not of a boyfriend/husband, anyway. I was jealous of the friends that

Logomancer used to replace me (or at least that's the way I saw it), and I mistook protectiveness for jealousy in other relationships, with people I saw more peripherally. But it wasn't true Jealousy. If I hadn't figured that out yet, the comparison between what I was feeling then and what I'm feeling now has made it abundantly clear. And I'm not SUPPOSED to be jealous. I'm polyamorous, for God's sake! I don't get jealous. What the FUCK???!!! Clearly, if I'm poly AND jealous, that makes me a hypocrite. I've heard of other people in poly relationships doing that. Sure, it's OK for *them* to date other people, but just let their mate try it. Then the shit flies. I always felt such disdain for that, and now I was living it. Bad Bad Bad K'La. Selfish K'La. Stupid K'La. Clearly, I'm not as evolved or enlightened as I think I am. (Why does the Universe have to keep pointing this out, anyway???) I'm common, or maybe worse. I hate myself for feeling this way.

Hell, I even get pissed off, remembering how, when I've come home from dates, even the first time, that

BlckwngdOrcl was very calm, very happy for me - it was never an issue for him. Why the fuck wasn't he getting jealous??? Didn't I mean enough to him to get jealous over? Of course, imagining him as actually *being* the jealous type is extremely distasteful to me. Damned if he does, damned if he doesn't. I'm a Bad Wife. I helped make the rules, and now that they don't just benefit me, I'm wanting to change them. How fucking rude is that?

I didn't have this reaction when

BlckwngdOrcl and I started dating

LuneNoire. That felt expansive, and right. Maybe it's because I was also dating him. Maybe it's because he was a man. Who knows. But that was never an issue to me. This is an issue for me.

And it doesn't make any sense. I mean, I like her. It's not like she's the devil. It's not like when Fig was dating Jessica, and I couldn't stand her, and couldn't stand him when he was around her. I like both of them, and I like both of them in the presence of each other. Hell, I might have even made out with her at one of

BlyssMouse's famous parties, or

Isarma's. I don't remember doing it, but I wouldn't have been opposed to the idea. I'm even pretty darn sure

BlckwngdOrcl and her have made out at such parties on at least on occassion. Which was no big deal at the time. So, no idea why I'm freaking the fuck out NOW.

And I hate it when I don't make sense to myself. I mean, OK, sure, abandonment issues. Got those, big time. But why now? Why in this situation? Why, when my relationship with my husband is as strong as it's ever been, and on the most equal footing it's ever been, am I freaking out? Maybe THAT'S why. It's strong, and on more equal footing, to some degree, because I pushed for it. That's not the only reason, of course. I won't accept credit for his growth. But I'm more than willing to blame myself for it, especially if some deep-seated resentment on his part made him want to look elsewhere. Isn't that crazy? I feel crazy. Like that stupid chick in the NetZero psuedo-reality commercials - "it's crazy... she's crazy".

Usually, in cases like this, I can access my Higher Self pretty well. It's taken me weeks, and an EXTREMELY supportive husband to be able to do this. At first, I could only pay lip service to it. Now, it's a little better. I know in my heart of hearts that this is probably the most fabulous opportunity of my life to address my fears, my abandonment issues.

BlckwngdOrcl is most definitely safe to explore this with, and while I've never been that vulnerable around her, she'd be on the short list of people with whom I'd be willing to entertain the notion. Hell, one might even say the Universe is being extremely compassionate in this lesson. It certainly doesn't FEEL compassionate to me right now, but I can certainly see where this is probably just about the best place to be, if one's going to take another nosedive into one's own personal hell. My Higher Self is actually kinda excited about this. What a great opportunity! This is transference, pure and simple, of course - something my therapist calls "juicy".

Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past, I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain.
--Bene Gesserit Litany Against Fear, Frank Herbert's Dune

That's what I keep trying to keep in mind. This won't kill me. It'll feel like death, a thousand times over. I fear it like I've never feared death before in my life. But my Higher Self knows I won't die. My Higher Self sees this as a fabulous catalyst for growth, joy, compassion, love.

Mostly, though, I want to slice my Higher Self's fucking throat.

I cannot EXPRESS how much I hate this, how much I fear it. And not in that order. (It's never in that order, really, is it?)

I'm sure that some people who are reading this are wondering why the HELL I don't just say NO. Why I don't tell them both to go to hell. That's the answer, right? It's so obvious, so easy. I mean, get rid of the problem, and it goes away.

Except that the problem isn't my husband dating her, or even dating in general. The problem is my own insecurities, which have always been there, hidden to a greater or lesser degree, throughout my life. The problem is that I don't feel wanted, as came out in my massage session with

Karlita. That feeling stems from before my birth, and you'd think I would have dealt with it after 37 years of life, but clearly I haven't. It's no one's fault I feel this way. Hell, it's not even mine. I'm responsible for my feelings, of course, but there's no blame to be given for this. There's no penance I need to complete, no gold star I have to win from the Universe.

But I *want* to get through this. I don't want to hide from it. Well, actually, yes I do. I want to run as far and fast as I can. That's all part of the chaotic maelstrom I mentioned earlier.

BlckwngdOrcl and I have discussed this at length. You can't imagine how supportive he's been. I've told him that, there will be things I need to say, Lower Self parts of me that I'll need to express. And that I would appreciate him holding me in that space, supporting me. But that, above all things, he is to remember what I've said in the space of my Higher Self. That, in spite of what my Lower Self says, that I don't want him to stop. I want to work through this, I want to wallow in it, and come out the other side.

I reminded him of this the other day as he held me in my arms, before I broke down and cried and said "I don't want you to fuck her." And that's true. Hell, I don't want him to ever see her again, talk to her again, in any medium. But that's my Lower Self talking. And my Lower Self isn't in charge here. It needs to be expressed, which this entry is partially doing. It needs not to be hidden. But it doesn't get to dictate my actions. Right now, however, it's certainly in charge of my reactions.

With this in mind, I'm hoping my friends will treat me accordingly, and have compassion for this space I'm in right now.

Somewhat off-topic, but not really. I've found that, even though I've been typing about a lot of emotions and such in this entry, I've still distanced myself from them - I really haven't felt them. I've realized that, in this type of thing, where I have a really strong emotional reaction to something, that it's never fully resolved for me until I completely break down as a result. And I really haven't been in the space to do that. I haven't felt safe, haven't felt like there's enough time... and, of course, I'm avoiding it, 'cause I don't WANT to feel all that fear, all that hate, all the pain, all that rage. Those things HURT. It doesn't help that August is the month most therapists take off for vacation, and mine is no exception. I'm considering other options for that. In the meantime, I always feel like I'm on the edge of breaking down and losing it. Also doesn't help I'm on my period, which makes me more emotional. Or it does help... hard to tell. Anyway, point is, LJ is no longer true catharsis for me. Intellectualizing my issues (and one has to, for this medium) no longer gives me release. Only true expression of the emotions does that. So, until that happens, I'm going to be on edge, and very fragile. I'm not asking for special treatment... just giving you a heads-up if I freak out for what seems like a small reason.

*shrug* I really don't know where else to go with this. I've 'fessed out to my fucked-up-ed-ness, and set the stage for a true breakdown later, when I can pencil one into my schedule. (Ha!) I'm not sure what else to do here. I feel very lost, and hope is more of a concept than an emotion. But I believe in this. I believe in the open relationship I have with my husband, and I still think it's the right choice. I believe in working through this. If only I believed I was strong enough for it. Right now, I'm having a REAL hard time convincing myself of that, even if I know better.

P.S. If my husband or his new girlfriend make any changes to appease my fears, I'll have to kill you both. You've been warned.