Revelations of all Kinds, Part Three
May. 14th, 2003 11:00 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
bookofmirrorsI've been transcribing stuff mostly all day, so this entry is just gonna be off the top of my head. There's more to transcribe on the next entry, so, in effect, I'm taking a break.
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Actually, I started this entry, and realized I really no longer felt like making entries. Possibly due to the nature of the other entries, possibly due to having already made obnoxiously long posts in the recent past, and typing up![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
blckwngdorcl's aura photography printout for him in case he wants to use it. In the meantime, get THIS. I hear something plop against the window in this room, and decide it must be one of my cats, but when I look over, I notice the feline shape attached to the screen is on the OTHER side of the window. So, I look outside. I can't see much, so I go get my handy-dandy purple Maglite, and then try. And... KITTENS!! Two of them. More searching in that area revealed the little black and white stray I've been feeding. And here I thought she was filling out 'cause she had maybe found a home, or a better and more consistent food source! Ha... Anyway, as I always do when she comes by, I took a scoop of cat food and put it out in the food bowl I have outside (that I bought for the specific purpose of feeding strays, although I've also seen 'possums eat from it, too). I also added some milk and raw eggs for the kittens, 'cause they looked old enough to eat it. The mother is a short-haired black and white cat. One of the kittens is a short-haired silver and white tabby, the other is a long-haired white kitten. They're adorable. Of course, not being able to leave well enough alone, I went outside with the flashlight to see if I could get closer, pet/catch one, or something. Of course, I was completely unsucessful, but I got close a few times. I hope I haven't scared them off. I truly wonder if she had the kittens nearby, or if she's taking them around to places she knows she can eat now that they're old enough. I'm seriously considering getting a live trap so I can catch her (and therefore, the kittens) so I can get them all good homes. I'm a sucker like that. I hate to think of them scrounging all their lives.
Anyway, I'll try to remember to keep people updated, and will offer the kittens and mother to a good home if I get them.
********************************************************
Back to what I was saying...
The aura thing was talking about me being a healer. I wanna relate some of the stuff that's been happening at work. I may be repeating myself, so forgive me if that's the case. I don't remember talking about this before.
First of all, sometimes it's interesting being a nurse and being energetically aware. For instance, early on when I started there, I ended up working the Terrace unit, where the Alzheimer's patients are. One of them was in Hospice, and they expected him to go any day now. Since he had Hospice, I really didn't need to do much for him; he had a person who stayed with him all the time. I basically checked in now and then, and popped the pills. That day, when I went in, I could feel the spirits all over the room. I knew he was going to die that afternoon, and they were waiting. When he did die, about 2 hours later, I went in there, and did the obligatory listen for a heartbeat for a full minute thing, and I got the distinct impression he was behind me, saying something to the effect of, "What the hell are you doing? Are you blind? I'm dead, you idiot!" I kinda smiled to myself, and mentioned it to his wife when she came in. She said that sounded like him.
I can't really feel spirits there most of the time. Usually I'm too busy to pay attention, or maybe they're so obvious that it's kinda obliterated, or who knows. I do know that late at night, in the dining room, you can definitely feel them. Kinda sad and lost. Which makes sense. The ones with any kind of agenda would probably be hanging out with their families elsewhere.
The only other time I really felt anything was walking by a woman's room when I came on shift; she'd been kinda sick the night before, so I kinda glanced as I walked by, and she FELT dead. And was, as of about an hour before that. So, I suppose some people would consider that creepy, but I think it's kinda cool.
The time it WASN'T cool was just a couple of days ago. I was talking to a guy who kinda kept to himself, kinda lonely, always looked a bit sad. He was saying he never had any visitors, and I asked him if any of his family lived locally. He said he had a daughter and some grandkids in the area, and he didn't know why they didn't visit. Right as he was saying that, I got this sudden pretty damn clear picture in my head. It was a little girl, who looked an awful lot like Boo from Monsters, Inc.. She was crying, and struggling, and I was seeing her from the exact perspective that one would see her if one were raping her. I had a lot of trouble shaking the image, and it still haunts me. I think I was being shown exactly why his daughter didn't visit him. I did my best to be comforting to him, and neutral. I mean, how do you say to someone that if they hadn't abused someone, that someone might be more interested in interacting with them? And this is even assuming that what I saw is true. Looking back, maybe I could have said something about if anything had happened between them in the past that might cause ill feelings, he could step forward and make amends or apologize or something like that. I don't know. Of course, with all that going on in my head, I was having a hard time thinking of even the most simple things to say. Damn.
The other thing about my work. I seem to be many of the patients' favorite nurse. I've had people take me aside just before they left and thank me privately for being so [insert positive word here]. I've had people say they heard my voice as I walked by their door, and were so happy I was there. I've gotten hugs, kisses, gifts, whatever. I had one patient tell me that I'm the only staff member that doesn't make her feel like a pain in the ass, and another tell me that she only trusts me and one other nurse (who I've also found to be good).
Once again, the part of me that tends to reject such praise figures that they're sick, and in some cases, confused. I also think they're probably playing me to get what they want. Or, that they're just nice, and say that to everybody. But, it feels utterly sincere. And, part of me understands it. I see how the other staff members don't bother to hide their frustration with certain tasks. I see how they sigh audibly and roll their eyes, and tell people outright things like it's not their job, or that people can do things on their own, or whatever. Which just totally isn't my style. When it's your JOB to take care of people, and you're there to do that, you DON'T make it seem like a chore when you're doing it. You do it cheerfully, you smile, you go out of your way for these people. At the very least, 'cause it's your job. At most, because they're humans and deserve to be treated with dignity and respect. Fox Center taught me that. Well, more accurately, the State of Illinois' anal-retentive policies taught me the hundreds of ways one could reduce someone's dignity, and how not to do that, mostly with paperwork and loaded words. I still have trouble when I say "briefs" and the staff doesn't understand me until I say "diapers". It hurts my tongue to say that. 7 years of being taught that adults don't wear diapers and to call them that was demeaning is hard to break. And, I don't really want to break it, either. And yeah, Fox taught me how to talk the talk, but I think I've always known instinctively how to walk the walk. Even so, when patients tell me these things, and I believe they're sincere, I have trouble letting that sink in. I don't get it. And really, it's not so much that I don't get how they wouldn't think I'm wonderful, 'cause I do see how I act differently from most other staff there... I guess what I have trouble with is that other people (especially those in this field/profession) aren't the same way I am. That they don't treat people with the same regard I do. Granted, I'm slow as fuck. I'll stop to answer the call lights the CNAs are ignoring, and I'll stop to chat, or reassure, or whatever. I'm always behind when it comes to doing the actual work. But, my patients feel like they've been cared for, not like they've gone through some automated process. I know them by name, and most of their families, too. And I'm proud of that. And, I'll get faster and more efficient as I go along, I'm sure.
Even so, part of me is still perplexed that people think so much of me. That whole low self-esteem thing and all that bullshit. I was talking it over withblckwngdorcl on Sunday night after I got off work. He said something wonderful and beautiful. I love him. He said that there were a lot of people who were working in a job that didn't suit them. It was far away from their path in life, and they were out of sorts, etc.. And it showed. He said that I was in exactly the type of job I was supposed to be in.
And it showed.
::sigh::
I have the bestest husband in the whole wide world.
***********************************
Actually, I started this entry, and realized I really no longer felt like making entries. Possibly due to the nature of the other entries, possibly due to having already made obnoxiously long posts in the recent past, and typing up
blckwngdorcl's aura photography printout for him in case he wants to use it. In the meantime, get THIS. I hear something plop against the window in this room, and decide it must be one of my cats, but when I look over, I notice the feline shape attached to the screen is on the OTHER side of the window. So, I look outside. I can't see much, so I go get my handy-dandy purple Maglite, and then try. And... KITTENS!! Two of them. More searching in that area revealed the little black and white stray I've been feeding. And here I thought she was filling out 'cause she had maybe found a home, or a better and more consistent food source! Ha... Anyway, as I always do when she comes by, I took a scoop of cat food and put it out in the food bowl I have outside (that I bought for the specific purpose of feeding strays, although I've also seen 'possums eat from it, too). I also added some milk and raw eggs for the kittens, 'cause they looked old enough to eat it. The mother is a short-haired black and white cat. One of the kittens is a short-haired silver and white tabby, the other is a long-haired white kitten. They're adorable. Of course, not being able to leave well enough alone, I went outside with the flashlight to see if I could get closer, pet/catch one, or something. Of course, I was completely unsucessful, but I got close a few times. I hope I haven't scared them off. I truly wonder if she had the kittens nearby, or if she's taking them around to places she knows she can eat now that they're old enough. I'm seriously considering getting a live trap so I can catch her (and therefore, the kittens) so I can get them all good homes. I'm a sucker like that. I hate to think of them scrounging all their lives.Anyway, I'll try to remember to keep people updated, and will offer the kittens and mother to a good home if I get them.
********************************************************
Back to what I was saying...
The aura thing was talking about me being a healer. I wanna relate some of the stuff that's been happening at work. I may be repeating myself, so forgive me if that's the case. I don't remember talking about this before.
First of all, sometimes it's interesting being a nurse and being energetically aware. For instance, early on when I started there, I ended up working the Terrace unit, where the Alzheimer's patients are. One of them was in Hospice, and they expected him to go any day now. Since he had Hospice, I really didn't need to do much for him; he had a person who stayed with him all the time. I basically checked in now and then, and popped the pills. That day, when I went in, I could feel the spirits all over the room. I knew he was going to die that afternoon, and they were waiting. When he did die, about 2 hours later, I went in there, and did the obligatory listen for a heartbeat for a full minute thing, and I got the distinct impression he was behind me, saying something to the effect of, "What the hell are you doing? Are you blind? I'm dead, you idiot!" I kinda smiled to myself, and mentioned it to his wife when she came in. She said that sounded like him.
I can't really feel spirits there most of the time. Usually I'm too busy to pay attention, or maybe they're so obvious that it's kinda obliterated, or who knows. I do know that late at night, in the dining room, you can definitely feel them. Kinda sad and lost. Which makes sense. The ones with any kind of agenda would probably be hanging out with their families elsewhere.
The only other time I really felt anything was walking by a woman's room when I came on shift; she'd been kinda sick the night before, so I kinda glanced as I walked by, and she FELT dead. And was, as of about an hour before that. So, I suppose some people would consider that creepy, but I think it's kinda cool.
The time it WASN'T cool was just a couple of days ago. I was talking to a guy who kinda kept to himself, kinda lonely, always looked a bit sad. He was saying he never had any visitors, and I asked him if any of his family lived locally. He said he had a daughter and some grandkids in the area, and he didn't know why they didn't visit. Right as he was saying that, I got this sudden pretty damn clear picture in my head. It was a little girl, who looked an awful lot like Boo from Monsters, Inc.. She was crying, and struggling, and I was seeing her from the exact perspective that one would see her if one were raping her. I had a lot of trouble shaking the image, and it still haunts me. I think I was being shown exactly why his daughter didn't visit him. I did my best to be comforting to him, and neutral. I mean, how do you say to someone that if they hadn't abused someone, that someone might be more interested in interacting with them? And this is even assuming that what I saw is true. Looking back, maybe I could have said something about if anything had happened between them in the past that might cause ill feelings, he could step forward and make amends or apologize or something like that. I don't know. Of course, with all that going on in my head, I was having a hard time thinking of even the most simple things to say. Damn.
The other thing about my work. I seem to be many of the patients' favorite nurse. I've had people take me aside just before they left and thank me privately for being so [insert positive word here]. I've had people say they heard my voice as I walked by their door, and were so happy I was there. I've gotten hugs, kisses, gifts, whatever. I had one patient tell me that I'm the only staff member that doesn't make her feel like a pain in the ass, and another tell me that she only trusts me and one other nurse (who I've also found to be good).
Once again, the part of me that tends to reject such praise figures that they're sick, and in some cases, confused. I also think they're probably playing me to get what they want. Or, that they're just nice, and say that to everybody. But, it feels utterly sincere. And, part of me understands it. I see how the other staff members don't bother to hide their frustration with certain tasks. I see how they sigh audibly and roll their eyes, and tell people outright things like it's not their job, or that people can do things on their own, or whatever. Which just totally isn't my style. When it's your JOB to take care of people, and you're there to do that, you DON'T make it seem like a chore when you're doing it. You do it cheerfully, you smile, you go out of your way for these people. At the very least, 'cause it's your job. At most, because they're humans and deserve to be treated with dignity and respect. Fox Center taught me that. Well, more accurately, the State of Illinois' anal-retentive policies taught me the hundreds of ways one could reduce someone's dignity, and how not to do that, mostly with paperwork and loaded words. I still have trouble when I say "briefs" and the staff doesn't understand me until I say "diapers". It hurts my tongue to say that. 7 years of being taught that adults don't wear diapers and to call them that was demeaning is hard to break. And, I don't really want to break it, either. And yeah, Fox taught me how to talk the talk, but I think I've always known instinctively how to walk the walk. Even so, when patients tell me these things, and I believe they're sincere, I have trouble letting that sink in. I don't get it. And really, it's not so much that I don't get how they wouldn't think I'm wonderful, 'cause I do see how I act differently from most other staff there... I guess what I have trouble with is that other people (especially those in this field/profession) aren't the same way I am. That they don't treat people with the same regard I do. Granted, I'm slow as fuck. I'll stop to answer the call lights the CNAs are ignoring, and I'll stop to chat, or reassure, or whatever. I'm always behind when it comes to doing the actual work. But, my patients feel like they've been cared for, not like they've gone through some automated process. I know them by name, and most of their families, too. And I'm proud of that. And, I'll get faster and more efficient as I go along, I'm sure.
Even so, part of me is still perplexed that people think so much of me. That whole low self-esteem thing and all that bullshit. I was talking it over with
blckwngdorcl on Sunday night after I got off work. He said something wonderful and beautiful. I love him. He said that there were a lot of people who were working in a job that didn't suit them. It was far away from their path in life, and they were out of sorts, etc.. And it showed. He said that I was in exactly the type of job I was supposed to be in. And it showed.
::sigh::
I have the bestest husband in the whole wide world.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2003-05-14 09:20 pm (UTC)And yes, I can see that you might be a lot more vested in other people's interests rather than your own. I am not trying to creep into the recessed (or repressed?) corners of your psyche and try and shake loose any past demons or reasons that your self esteem isn't what it should be. Hell, I know for a fact that mine is subpar. I am working on that, believe it or not. And not just by filling up my life with people who love me and give me love, although I know it looks that way from "there." I am moving toward being proactive in my life, to make better decisions for me and to actualize.
But back again to you... You really are that which everyone tells you. You are a caring, loving, and unique individual who excels when working closely with people in need. And even people who aren't in need still enjoy your presence. I know I am just one more of those voices calling out to you that you might not even be able to hear even if they were screaming... But I had to put in my two cents worth.
You are an awesome person. Don't let anyone tell you different. Particularly, you.
(wink)
Hugs,
~Sakka~
no subject
Date: 2003-05-14 09:21 pm (UTC)Yep, Glenn is pretty awesome. So is Rick. We are truly blessed.
no subject
Date: 2003-05-14 10:05 pm (UTC)Thank you.
::smiles and bites lower lip::