(no subject)

[bookofmirrors]

This is probably gonna be a rambling post. Haven't posted in a few days, so some stuff to catch up on before I go off to my crazy weekend and can't talk for 3 days. This will probably go in somewhat reverse chronological order, but I won't guarantee that.

Had another dream about e-Lit last night. I don't recall ever having so many dreams about a job before. Of course, I was never really so invested in a job before, either. simplysakka talks about how she would cut open her veins and bleed for her job, which is basically what I did, and would have continued to do for e-Lit, if I were still there. I actually had another dream about a week back, which I don't remember the details of. I remember it was another of those dreams where I was working as a nurse, but at e-Lit, and somehow the two things went together. That would be the second dream where those two jobs were combined. Now that I think of it, my current job schedule would enable me to do both. But, once again, there are issues there regarding pay and such. Or still. Whatever. But last night, I was just working there. It was almost like I'd gotten called in on special assignment or something. I'm not sure who called me in. Might have been Tim; I had the impression he was aware of my presence, but either too busy or too disinterested to notice. I remember there were a LOT of people working there, and the setup was more traditional cubicle style. logomancer was on the other side of me, and I noticed him, but he didn't notice me, so I was going to throw something at him to get his attention, but I got distracted somehow. It was weird, 'cause I couldn't figure out why there were so many people there, all working. None of them seemed to be processing, but all were actively on the computers and/or phones, and seemed to be very busy. I couldn't decide if I was amazed or annoyed. Somewhere a cross between, "Wow, it's really working," and "Jesus Christ, just DIE already!" No real details of the dream, just the kind of weirdness where you're going back into something you know, with people you know, but there's been just enough change to make it off-kilter.

Don't know what to make of any of it, though.

Anyway, yesterday was blckwngdorcl's birthday, so we pretty much spent the day doing whatever he wanted. It was fun, and we spent way too much money, but I figure that that's OK every once in a while. I've been very good for a long time, and it happened at a mostly-convenient time, as far as temporarily blowing off a couple of bills goes. Nothing's in danger of being shut off, and there's no other non-budgeted financial flings until September (Dragon-Con!). One of the things we did was get some aura photography done. I'll post the results of mine when I get a chance, but I was pleased with it. It's the third one I've had done, and it's interesting to note the changes. We also got one with the two of us together, which was really cool, and also pretty positive. I'll try to post that one, too.

We went out to dinner with simplysakka, wyzard_vyrnahnn, and awesomefemme, whom I'd never met before, but seemed nice. It was a really good time. I've noticed that, since I made the post where I came to grips with all the reasons why blckwngdorcl's and simplysakka's (and, to a much lesser extent, wyzard_vyrnahnn's) escapes were driving me crazy (basically, because they mirrored a lot of my own issues), I've no longer been driven crazy by them - well, maybe a little with blckwngdorcl. I can read simplysakka's LJ without freaking, and I'm at least willing to work on the gaming issues with blckwngdorcl. So, I was very happy to find that, this being the first time I was around them in person since then, that all that shit seemed to have gone away, and I was able to hang out and enjoy, and not be judgemental, and not even care to be. It was just fun.

I'm pleased with that for several reasons.

First of all, it's obviously going to make living with them a lot easier if I'm not obsessing about shit.

Second, it's nice to be able to spend time with people I love and not always have a running dialogue going through my head. Sometimes it's nice to be out of therapist mode.

And thirdly, I'm really proud of myself for handling issues like this the way I do. By that, I mean that I don't immediately go running to someone to bitch about what they do. I acknowledge to myself that it does, and usually bounce it back and forth with blckwngdorcl, but I don't go running to people and say things like, you're an idiot/freak/psycho/insertinsultingwordhere because you do X. I take the time to figure out why it bugs me so much. It's always about me, and not about them. Even when my evaluation of the situation is accurate (and it just about always is - I've never once been proven wrong, and the stuff that hasn't been proven right yet... give it time), it's my own issues that create such a strong reaction in myself, and those are what I need to deal with, not the behavior of those around me. So, I'm very pleased that I recognize that, and don't go off on people until I figure out what my own deal is. Then I can go to them and say this is what I see, and it makes me crazy, 'cause I have the following issues that really have nothing to do with what's going on with you, but I wanted you to know, 'cause I might react strongly to what you're doing since I feel this way about myself and my own issues.

Yay, me. :)

On another note, I went to see my friend who I'm attracted to the other day. Nothing happened, which isn't nearly as disappointing as it may sound. I was actually kinda happy about it. Not that I wouldn't have been happy with the alternative, either. ;) But I know a lot of friendships that turn sexual/romantic, and then it suddenly becomes all about the sex, and every visit becomes a booty call, and the deep friendship stuff gets lost in the process. Nor did the opposite happen, where people have crossed a decidedly sexual line, and suddenly decide it's a bad idea, so the sex thing is foremost in thought, but everything else becomes stilted and awkward. Instead, we spent the day being friends, and that was wonderful in and of itself, and she still felt absolutely wonderful when I hugged her goodbye.

That's pretty much it for now. There are probably other things I'm forgetting, but that was pretty much my agenda when I sat down. :)