The Meatier Stuff...

[bookofmirrors]

I've been avoiding posting some of the meatier stuff for a while now. Mostly because the meaty stuff is scary, and there's been a lot of it going on. I suppose a good indicator of what's going on in my life is the content of my LJ. If I'm unnaturally quiet, or I post lots of quizzes and not much else, I'm either horribly busy (which may be the case in June), or I'm avoiding something.

So, the time has come to stop that... Which, as any readers of this will know, is godawful lengthy. So, I'll spare your Friends pages and put everything behind a

Of course, I've done a fairly good job of distancing myself from this stuff, so some of it is harder to re-grasp. I'm gonna start with stuff that happened today, 'cause that's freshest in my mind. Hopefully, that'll start some memories and feelings flowing.

(Had to try to explain to Murke how hard and distracting it is to try to type with him in my lap...)

Today was my first day after my weekend-from-hell work schedule. For anyone who doesn't know, my work schedule has been permanently changed to Fridays 2:45pm-11:15pm and Saturdays and Sundays from 6:45am-11:15pm. 40 hours in 3 days. I asked, practically begged, for this schedule, and it's very hard while I'm doing it, but I think the rewards of having the rest of the week off cancel it out. Plus, I get a weekend differential and a shift differential for the afternoon shifts, so, I've basically re-attained my highest-ever salary of $40K/year. This all pleases me. But, I usually end up pretty wiped by Sunday night, and I need Monday to recover. So far, this and various other things have kept me from BP, or my general avoidance has (see previous posts), but that's beside the point. Anyway, today being Monday, I was kinda in recovery mode. I spent some time in bed with blckwngdorcl, but slept so long that I was starving by the time I woke up, and pretty much had to get up right away. He'd already been up for a while, and came back to bed when I called him, so we got a little bit of schnuggling in before I was so hungry I had to get up, and he decided he was so tired he was going back to sleep.

I woke him up later, and we both sat at our respective computers for a while, catching up on stuff. He had to start getting ready for work, so I went over to cuddle with him for a few minutes. This involves him sitting on his chair, and me on my knees, burying myself in his stomach/chest. So, for some reason, at that angle, I noticed our little keyboard bench, and teased him that me bending over it might be a fun way to have sex. I offered to let him try it, and assumed the position. He declined. (I wasn't offering all-out sex... just going through the motions.)

So, he's in the next room, and I'm kinda still in the same position I was, having found it mostly pretty comfortable, and I start to get a little upset. Actually, looking back, I suppose I'm kinda proud of myself I didn't stop at being upset.

Anyway, I'm lying there, being disappointed that he didn't take me up on it, and recognizing that I'm falling into the same patterns I was having before the workshop, where sex equals love for me. Well, really, I didn't expect that the workshop would cure me completely. I mean, it's been a great 3 months of not feeling that way, but I knew that those issues were ones I might have to deal with a long time. Now I just have better tools to do so.

So, I recognize that I'm feeling this way, and that the feelings are stemming from that fear, that insecurity. So, I try to work through that. Remind myself that sex and love aren't the same thing, and that blckwngdorcl does love me, and has many different ways of showing it that don't involve sex, and all that. And, frankly, he was pressed for time. Things like that. This was partially effective, but didn't really get to the root of the problem. Had to delve deeper.

I acknowledged my fear. My fear of not spending time with him, not having enough time to spend with him. This fear has been exacerbated lately by our conflicting schedules, which have also been constantly changing as we adjust to our new jobs, and they to us. I think we both have concrete schedules now, so at least that shouldn't be as much of an issue. I guess I see how little time we really have to spend with each other, so I cling to the time we do have. (Later, in a phone conversation, he told me that some of his friends had called me "clingy" in the beginning of our relationship. I thought we were just enjoying each others' company. Go figure. I asked him if he thought I was being clingy. I honestly don't remember what he said... I think it was one of those complicated answers, like, in this situation, yes, in this, no, and you were more/less so than you are now... I'll have to re-ask him, or maybe he could answer it in the comments section?)

So, I'm being needy about him. Clingy, if you will. When I'm home, and he's home, which is rare as far as I'm concerned, I want us to be together. Not just in the same room, but touching, engaging each other, whether it be physical or intellectual. Sharing. All that shit. So, when I see what little (again, as I perceive it) time we have together "wasted" on doing other things, I get upset.

Keep in mind that I'm the one who got up this morning, and didn't go back to bed with him. I'm just as "guilty" of not spending time as he is.

So, I fear being apart while we're together. There had to be more to it than that.

(This all comes across as a very clinical and logical analysis. The actual process was much more right-brained and less linear, but I kinda have to type it the way I'm typing it so it's understandable, and because it doesn't tend to translate well otherwise.)

As I told him later, I came to the conclusion that I didn't want us to grow apart. No, that's not right. Can't really think of an accurate phrase to describe it. I told him that I see the marriages of friends around us, and don't want us to do that. I don't want him to run from me. I see wyzard_vyrnahnn run to his gaming and simplysakka run to her OSOs and fear that blckwngdorcl will run from me in some way, too. Probably gaming/computers. I don't want that for us.

(Note: I have more to say on this, but it's not in the current flow of my thoughts. If I don't come back to it, could one of you remind me? The issues I have are mine and have little to do with you, but I'm not in the right space to go into that right now.)

Anyway, I didn't want to see blckwngdorcl running from me. And I tend to feel that way a lot lately. I want my marriage to be a marriage, a true joining of souls, not just two people who share the same house and hang out together sometimes, with no persistent deep connection.

When blckwngdorcl comes out of the bedroom after getting ready for work, I'm still in that same position. He asks what's wrong, so I told him we could talk in the car on the way to the bank. I hate to change locations in the middle of a deepish conversation. It distracts me from what I'm saying. So, I tell him all this in the car.

He said that he felt like I scheduled his life, and he had very little free time, and that he felt like he had to fight for what little he had. This is a variation on the old issue of him needing Alone Time, and me needing to give it to him. And, actually, I thought I was, pretty much. Certainly, on the weekends, he has plenty, since I'm never around. And he has his gaming day on Fridays. I still have major issues with him gaming, for pretty much the same reasons I've always cited here. But, another one of my revelations that I had during the time I wasn't posting about revelations was that really, everything is all about me. Duh, really, but for someone who's almost made it an art to care about/for other people, it's scary and discouraging to admit I have my own agenda, and that even though there are other higher agendas, mine is the one that really matters to me. For those who found that confusing, let me explain it this way. I tell blckwngdorcl that I hate it when he games, 'cause when he games, he's escaping from his life, and that when even when he isn't gaming, he's gaming in his head, and that he could be spending that time working on himself. Besides, Pam said that was his escape, and she's the professional, so I feel vindicated in all this. HOWEVER, even though all those things are TRUE, it is also VERY TRUE that my MAIN issue with his gaming (the one I was previously not willing to admit) is that it takes time away from US.

And I do schedule his life. There are a lot of things to do in life, and there are only certain times they can be done, and if we want to do them together (and I thought we did), we have to work them in. Frequently, this means he has to wake up early, so I pester him to go to bed sooner, so he can get enough sleep. (This is another example of a partially true motive. The other truth is that I like nothing better than to have him by my side in bed, and any excuse I have to facilitate this is good for me.)

I remember when Leo and I were married, and I started to realize (at least subconsciously) that it was over, so I started doing more things alone. Not so much going out and having fun, which I also did, but more mundane things like paying the bills, doing the grocery shopping and such. None of this would really stick out in my mind, except that I asked Fig once (just before we were "together") what had changed about me as a result of the divorce and all the stuff that happened before it. I think Mark H. was there, too. Anyway, one of them said that one of the things they saw is that I became more independent. It was said in a very admiring tone, I remember. I also remember saying that I'd been forced to become more independent, 'cause Leo was no longer there for me, or something like that. Of course, now I see further into that issue, but that's not a topic for now.

Anyway, my independence became dependence again, when I was with Fig. I still handled all the mundane stuff. I paid the bills, made sure everything got covered on time, basically was in charge of the household as far as all that went. But, when it came to doing things, I would purposefully not go places or do things with people on the off chance that Fig and I might be doing something together. I would defer to him in every way on that. Of course, he didn't ask me to, and I doubt he even wanted me to. In fact, one of the things he said later when we were "breaking up" was that he always wished I would go and do more things without him. Again, I hadn't really seen it as an issue at the time. I just thought we were inseparable friends. Ah, illusions...

Back to blckwngdorcl... where was I? Oh, yes... scheduling his life. Because I want to be with him all the time. Because ...oh, get this irony... I'm running. Sex is no longer my escape. *HE* is. *US* is. See, this is the problem with my escapes. I pick the stuff you really can't discard. I told blckwngdorcl that I'd be perfectly happy if he stopped gaming or having anything to do with gaming altogether. But I pick escapes that are kinda essential. It's kinda like the difference between someone with alcoholism and someone with bulemia. The person with alcoholism can just stop drinking (I know it's not as easy as all that, but I'm not interested in PC right now), but the person with bulemia can't just stop eating. I pick escapes that are essential. I consider love and sex essential to life. I think there's some literature somewhere to support that, but I don't think it's been conclusively scientifically proven. But I'm pretty damn sure that's the case, anyway.

So how the fuck to deal with that? If blckwngdorcl is my escape, if Fig was, if Leo was... this is definitely a pattern for me. And dovetails so nicely into my calling in life. I'm a healer, so of course a lot of my focus is going to be on others. I just take it to the extreme with those I'm close to. It's not so much that I tend to get gushy like simplysakka does. Moreso that I suddenly decide I can't do anything without the other person. I'm perfectly CAPABLE of going out and grocery shopping, paying the bills, window shopping, going to the movies, etc. by myself. I just don't WANT to, and I will go through some pretty elaborate schedule weaving (mine and blckwngdorcl's) to make sure I don't go alone. This is just me running from spending time with myself. The problem is, when I am alone, I really don't do much with the time. I no longer have the excuse that the house is messy, and I can't "work" with it that way. The house kicks ass right now. I actually enjoy just sitting around spending time in it, kinda basking in the atmosphere. But I don't do anything with that time. It's difficult for me to get into the mindset of doing things like meditating, and when I do, I still tend to fail miserably, which not only makes me less likely to go and do it again, it reinforces the fears I have about it, which become self-fulfilling prophecies when I do try to meditate. Which isn't often.

So, I sit around the house, not doing what I know I need to be doing, which is hard introspection. In my little world, hard introspection is brought about by meditation, and I've convinced myself I can't meditate by myself, so I sit around feeling restless and guilty, and knowing there's something MORE that I'm missing. It's SOOOO fucking frustrating.

So, I escape. I go to blckwngdorcl, and expect him to fill that hole in myself that I can't seem to do myself. This is completely unfair of me, and part of me knows this, so I tend to feel guilty about doing it, although rarely consciously until after the fact, at times like these. Of course, my Oracle senses this on some level, and reacts accordingly, not only to my own underlying unease, but because of his own reaction to what at least part of him knows is my fear.

::sigh::

logomancer is right. "The best way to fool a mage is with the truth." And I'm so good at doing that to myself. People who spend a lot of time together, and have a good time doing it (and we do) are happy, right? They have an ideal relationship, right? No issues going on, right?

::sigh::

And one of the worst things about it, is that a lot of the things that bother me about blckwngdorcl is that he's become a mirror for me. Now is also the time to talk about the issues I have with simplysakka and wyzard_vyrnahnn. (Now you don't have to remind me!) I see all these other people running from what and who they are. wyzard_vyrnahnn and blckwngdorcl use gaming, and simplysakka uses OSOs. And, since it's so much easier for me to see other people's issues over my own, I get increasingly upset and frustrated with what I see. I don't say anything, of course. Part of me knows that there's something more to my frustration, and until I figure it out, it's not appropriate to talk about how what they do bothers me. In fact, I'm saying a lot of it here for the first time. It's not so much that I care what they're doing. It's just that I see them running from themselves, which is exactly what I'm doing. And it's easier to focus on how other people are damaged rather than how I'm damaged, so my emotional reactions to seeing this aren't really against them, but against myself. And I hate being that shallow. Perhaps it's only human to feel that way. It certainly seems to be the way most people work. It's certainly easier than working on one's Self, right?

Argh...

Besides, my own fear prevents me from working on myself, while my healing nature wants to help others work on themselves. This has a couple of payouts for me. First of all, I get to be part of that process, which I think is one of the most beautiful things in the world. I get the glow of knowing I was a part of that, I helped make a difference. And, I also get to see someone work past the stuff I can't seem to get past, and it's nice to see examples of some people really making it. It gives me some sense of hope that I *WILL* be able to break through my own issues someday. So, it's easier to focus on other people. I think the only person I really don't do this with (at least very little) is elorie, 'cause she pretty much does all that work herself.

So, I'm confronted with this part of myself that I really don't like. That's actually not the right way to put it. More like a part that I'm disappointed in. And it's not fun to be disappointed in yourself.

Comments

[elorie.livejournal.com]

Hmm. I don't see gaming as an escape, really. No more so than theater or other forms of art are an escape. Quite often, it's through creative expression that we FIND parts of ourselves.

I think there's something oddly puritanical about that whole mind-set that you're espousing there. Like, it can't be about the fun, it all has to be about the inner work. When, if you do it right, the fun IS the work.

I game a good bit. I see in it parallels with theater, improv, and ritual...all of which have common roots. And I don't think what the therapist says has so much bearing...unless she's a gamer herself, she's going to automatically think it's an escape and miss the deeper implications. There are deeper implications.

I think also that maybe you need to have more faith that blackwngdorcl can find his own process and balance. While finding your own balance. I'm a fine one to talk, but living with fornorald has taught me a few things. One of which is that having a different approach and level of tolerance for togetherness/melding of energy does not imply a lack of love or commitment to the relationship. It's just different, and if you characterize it as less than or wrong you may find yourself realizing that you've done that and what the implications of it are and regretting it. Speaking from experience.

[bookofmirrors.livejournal.com]

Well, I tend to trust the therapist as far as her assessment of the gaming goes. blckwngdorcl actually agrees with this, too, and feels that there's been a definite improvement in how he relates to gaming. *I'm* the one clinging to the alleged maladjustment involved. I do know people who do it "responsibly", if you will. I'm just too embroiled in seeing it as pathology when blckwngdorcl does it to separate the two very well. With any luck, backing off about it will help that.

I'm not sure where he is with it. I'm not sure where I am with it. And, I'm not sure I trust either of us to be good judges of where we are with it (either for ourselves or each other) because we both have so much baggage around the issue.

::sigh::

This is going to be very hard for a while...

[technomom]

I agree with elorie regarding gaming. It is fun. It can be an escape. And it can also be one way of working out issues, especially of releasing stress in a very safe way.

Escapes are not inherently bad. Sometimes we need them. And yes, sometimes people can put far too much energy into distractions from whatever they *should* be doing. But sometimes, they can use the escape as a safety valve so that they *can* go back and deal with the big issues.

[bookofmirrors.livejournal.com]

I guess I just need to figure out what's what. Right now, I'm too close to the issue.

It'll come with time.

[simplysakka.livejournal.com]

Amazingly enough, I have to agree with elorie here... Not to take away from your ruminations, of course, I am sure that the points you make are quite valid, perhaps for you, perhaps for your relationship...

I spent the first two years of my marriage trying to "cling" to wyzard_vyrnahnn. He wouldn't have it. He isn't that kind of a person, and to him, fulfillment is simply having me "there." Of course, I found this frustrating as all get-out, and eventually I took my overdose and finally requested a divorce. When he was faced with the actual prospect of losing me, he panicked and told me that if I *needed* that closeness that he couldn't provide, since he just isn't *like* that, to find it elsewhere but to please stay with him, that HE was fulfilled. So I've found my own way, and that way is polyamory. And believe it or not, we have grown, and we have found happiness together.

I know that I seem to become rather histrionic in my journal when things with my OSO's don't work out. All I seem to know sometimes is love. wyzard_vyrnahnn has known that he cannot give me the kind of love I want that consumes me, burns me up, completely and utterly fulfills me. The only person that has ever come close has been markuk. And...well... You know where that stands.

Anyway, just to clarify... In your post, you make it seem that wyzard_vyrnahnn and I are suffering in our relationship... As a matter of fact, we came together last night, talked and found we were once again reinforced by the events of that past few days. We are stronger once again. I told him in his journal that if he was unhappy with me, he knows he can leave anytime, that *I* cannot change. He came to me last night LAUGHING, telling me that I WAS his true love, that he accepts everything about me, and said that he hadn't been so happy in a long time. And he held me, and we made love, and the world seems a bit brighter today.

I guess we just don't operate the same as you and blckwngdorcl. And I feel your pain when I read your journal, and I wish I could do more for you, because we love you two... You are our closest friends, our family even. You guys are being progressive in your relationship, working things out, talking, moving forward all the time, it seems. Nothing but good can come from that.

Remember that we are always here (and after June 1st literally) to help if we can. Or to stay completely and utterly out of the way. But whatever you need, we will give. We love you.

[bookofmirrors.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry. I didn't mean to make it seem like you two are on the rocks or anything like that. I wasn't talking about your marriage. And, I really don't see enough of you two to know how much personal introspection either of you do. I was more talking about that, though - the seeking of Self. And I've found that if I perceive (my perception, which may or may not have anything to do with the reality of the situation) something as being not about the seeking of Self lately, it makes me crazy. 'Cause I know I'm not doing it either, and I hate that.

And, even moreso, I *know* I'm being an unreasonable freak about the whole thing, which makes it all even worse.

One of these days, I'm gonna get my shit straight.

[simplysakka.livejournal.com]

You have every right to be an "unreasonable freak" about anything in your life that you like...

As long as it leads you to a sense of fulfillment. That is the only thing we'd ever wish for you.

And with you dotting your I's and crossing your T's like you are, I can't imagine you will miss the mark.

Rock on, angel girl. We are always behind you.

[bookofmirrors.livejournal.com]

lol

I'm not sure being an unreasonable freak will lead to fulfillment. Although I've got a few people telling me it WILL, so go figure.

Re:

[simplysakka.livejournal.com]

I suppose at this point the trick is finding the balance between being an "unreasonable freak" and an "apathetic stick in the mud."