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bookofmirrorsI was having a talk a while back with a friend of mine, and it brought up some stuff.
I think any longtime reader of this LJ will know that I don't believe in karma, at least not in the way that most of the world does. I don't believe in universal retribution for "bad" deeds. I think it's hubris of humans to decide what they think "bad" and "good" are. Do I think what comes around goes around? Kinda. But not the way most people do. I think karma is based on your conscience. If you feel guilty for it, you'll send that sort of energy out into the universe, and the universe will reflect your own energy back at you. So, if you feel guilt over something, you'll punish yourself, usually in subtle ways that you probably won't connect to the original "crime". But I truly think people, even if they've done what I (or anyone else) might feel is something heinous, won't get "punishment" if they don't feel guilty about it. Also, keep in mind what I said about "good" and "bad". I thought it was VERY bad for the chick at Fox Center to orchestrate my not being able to go back to school while working there (at least in a way acceptable to me). I thought she was a total conniving bitch. And maybe she was. But that "bad" thing she did also resulted in my moving to Atlanta. Fig dating Jessica was also a factor in that. "Bad"? Sure, in my opinion. But, again, it resulted in Atlanta, which resulted inblckwngdorcl. It resulted in some "bad" things, too. But he makes it all worth it. And there have been plenty of other good things, too.
But, I think in my adamance to say that I don't believe in karma like others do, I've shortened it, in my speech, to "I don't believe in karma". Unfortunately, it got shortened in my head, too. So, I lost sight of the ways in which I *do* believe in karma. I think that has had some really bad results.
So, like I said, my abbreviated version of not believing in karma has been a problem for me. In that, in denying I believed in karma (which is technically true), I forgot what I *do* believe in. And therefore, I haven't been paying attention to that, or living it. Worse yet, I haven't addressed several things (which are all really facets of one thing).
"Karma", to me, is guilt, pure and simple. I do something, I feel guilty about it, I feel the need to be punished, I send that energy out into the Universe, and the Universe responds. Keep in mind, of course, that what I said that people who don't feel a shred of guilt about their actions won't experience karma, it works the other way, too. There are things I should feel no guilt about whatsoever, but I'm still punishing myself for. There are things that others may think are "bad", but I don't, and I'm not being punished for. Because I'm just not putting that energy out there. (Others may be pushing energy in that direction, but, just as others may be wishing me well, my own energy and feelings of what I deserve and don't deserve will either deflect that energy or let it affect me.)
So, then... what do I feel guilty about?
Being a disappointment to my parents. This is probably the biggest double-edged sword in the lot. This ranges from things I've probably largely forgotten from my childhood, to my move to Atlanta, to my subsequent issues with money. (More on that later.) Now, keep in mind, there are some things my logical mind agrees that I should feel guilty about (the usual teenage issues, lying about things when I was younger, etc.), but there are also things that my logical mind completely disagrees about. Moving down here, for instance. Probably the single most devastating thing I've ever done, from my parents' point of view. Logically, I know that this move was a REALLY good thing for me. Logically, I know that I don't control their emotions. Logically, I know that I'm not responsible for their reactions, their sadness, whatever. (Keep in mind that I can be compassionate about all those things, even so.) So... no karma for moving, right?
Wrong.
'Cause I feel guilt over it anyway. I remember vividly the weekend I told them I was moving. I remember how, after begging me not to go, my father drove me down here and helped me move. I know they help me out now in ways they wouldn't have to if I still lived in Illinois. And, even though I know better, I feel guilty as HELL about that. It hurts me to know they are hurt. And, in spite of my training, my knowledge of the higher truths out there, I still feel like the bad guy.
So, I punish myself. And, oh, I'm a clever bitch.
I think I punish myself with lack of prosperity. And yes, this is somewhat simplified - there are a lot of issues playing into this, with myself and others. But I think it's all because I draw that energy to myself.
Lack of prosperity is a horrible, insidious thing I do to myself. It's the one thing that spirals and spirals, creating a deep hole of even more guilt, remorse, confusion, frustration... you name it. I feel guilty, I take away my own allowance, I can't afford things, I feel bad about that, guilty about not being able to afford things, and the spiral goes down again.
Keep in mind that this also affects the choices I make, too. There have been times when I could have afforded one thing in favor of another (sometimes this is related to bills, sometimes merely to choosing one thing over another), and made a choice that, looking back, has affected my long-term prosperity for ill.
So, yeah, I'm broke, and I'm doing it to myself. On all sortsa levels. Being broke fucks with me, makes things difficult internally and externally, and my guilt just makes it worse. I go to my parents for help, and feel guilty about that, and my guilt just makes it worse.
So...... the answer, clearly, is to forgive myself. For things I really am guilty of, things I truly regret, and wish I had done differently, and for things that I needlessly lament over. If I forgive myself, and then find myself a "good" person, worthy of prosperity and light, then the Universe will bring me those things, and I can start righting past wrongs. Not in a cowering dog coming to his master, hoping he'll love him unconditionally again way, but in a head held high yes I made some mistakes but that doesn't make me the devil and I'm still OK kinda way.
Easier said than done, perhaps, but that's what I'm working on.
I think any longtime reader of this LJ will know that I don't believe in karma, at least not in the way that most of the world does. I don't believe in universal retribution for "bad" deeds. I think it's hubris of humans to decide what they think "bad" and "good" are. Do I think what comes around goes around? Kinda. But not the way most people do. I think karma is based on your conscience. If you feel guilty for it, you'll send that sort of energy out into the universe, and the universe will reflect your own energy back at you. So, if you feel guilt over something, you'll punish yourself, usually in subtle ways that you probably won't connect to the original "crime". But I truly think people, even if they've done what I (or anyone else) might feel is something heinous, won't get "punishment" if they don't feel guilty about it. Also, keep in mind what I said about "good" and "bad". I thought it was VERY bad for the chick at Fox Center to orchestrate my not being able to go back to school while working there (at least in a way acceptable to me). I thought she was a total conniving bitch. And maybe she was. But that "bad" thing she did also resulted in my moving to Atlanta. Fig dating Jessica was also a factor in that. "Bad"? Sure, in my opinion. But, again, it resulted in Atlanta, which resulted in
blckwngdorcl. It resulted in some "bad" things, too. But he makes it all worth it. And there have been plenty of other good things, too.But, I think in my adamance to say that I don't believe in karma like others do, I've shortened it, in my speech, to "I don't believe in karma". Unfortunately, it got shortened in my head, too. So, I lost sight of the ways in which I *do* believe in karma. I think that has had some really bad results.
So, like I said, my abbreviated version of not believing in karma has been a problem for me. In that, in denying I believed in karma (which is technically true), I forgot what I *do* believe in. And therefore, I haven't been paying attention to that, or living it. Worse yet, I haven't addressed several things (which are all really facets of one thing).
"Karma", to me, is guilt, pure and simple. I do something, I feel guilty about it, I feel the need to be punished, I send that energy out into the Universe, and the Universe responds. Keep in mind, of course, that what I said that people who don't feel a shred of guilt about their actions won't experience karma, it works the other way, too. There are things I should feel no guilt about whatsoever, but I'm still punishing myself for. There are things that others may think are "bad", but I don't, and I'm not being punished for. Because I'm just not putting that energy out there. (Others may be pushing energy in that direction, but, just as others may be wishing me well, my own energy and feelings of what I deserve and don't deserve will either deflect that energy or let it affect me.)
So, then... what do I feel guilty about?
Being a disappointment to my parents. This is probably the biggest double-edged sword in the lot. This ranges from things I've probably largely forgotten from my childhood, to my move to Atlanta, to my subsequent issues with money. (More on that later.) Now, keep in mind, there are some things my logical mind agrees that I should feel guilty about (the usual teenage issues, lying about things when I was younger, etc.), but there are also things that my logical mind completely disagrees about. Moving down here, for instance. Probably the single most devastating thing I've ever done, from my parents' point of view. Logically, I know that this move was a REALLY good thing for me. Logically, I know that I don't control their emotions. Logically, I know that I'm not responsible for their reactions, their sadness, whatever. (Keep in mind that I can be compassionate about all those things, even so.) So... no karma for moving, right?
Wrong.
'Cause I feel guilt over it anyway. I remember vividly the weekend I told them I was moving. I remember how, after begging me not to go, my father drove me down here and helped me move. I know they help me out now in ways they wouldn't have to if I still lived in Illinois. And, even though I know better, I feel guilty as HELL about that. It hurts me to know they are hurt. And, in spite of my training, my knowledge of the higher truths out there, I still feel like the bad guy.
So, I punish myself. And, oh, I'm a clever bitch.
I think I punish myself with lack of prosperity. And yes, this is somewhat simplified - there are a lot of issues playing into this, with myself and others. But I think it's all because I draw that energy to myself.
Lack of prosperity is a horrible, insidious thing I do to myself. It's the one thing that spirals and spirals, creating a deep hole of even more guilt, remorse, confusion, frustration... you name it. I feel guilty, I take away my own allowance, I can't afford things, I feel bad about that, guilty about not being able to afford things, and the spiral goes down again.
Keep in mind that this also affects the choices I make, too. There have been times when I could have afforded one thing in favor of another (sometimes this is related to bills, sometimes merely to choosing one thing over another), and made a choice that, looking back, has affected my long-term prosperity for ill.
So, yeah, I'm broke, and I'm doing it to myself. On all sortsa levels. Being broke fucks with me, makes things difficult internally and externally, and my guilt just makes it worse. I go to my parents for help, and feel guilty about that, and my guilt just makes it worse.
So...... the answer, clearly, is to forgive myself. For things I really am guilty of, things I truly regret, and wish I had done differently, and for things that I needlessly lament over. If I forgive myself, and then find myself a "good" person, worthy of prosperity and light, then the Universe will bring me those things, and I can start righting past wrongs. Not in a cowering dog coming to his master, hoping he'll love him unconditionally again way, but in a head held high yes I made some mistakes but that doesn't make me the devil and I'm still OK kinda way.
Easier said than done, perhaps, but that's what I'm working on.
