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Dream, Et Cetera
Feb. 26th, 2003 07:43 amI tried to meditate before I went to sleep last night. Busy signal. No dice. I felt grounded, and centered, and at the same time, strangely disconnected. Hard to describe. I think it was partially 'cause the state of mind for meditation seems to be different from the state of mind I was in all weekend at the workshop, and have been trying to cultivate ever since. More on the workshop in a later entry.
I did, however, have a dream.
I was at home, and got a phone call. It was from Marge Malone, who was the facility director where I used to work in Illinois. Except in this dream, she ran e-Lit. Jeff still ran it, too; it was like she was in charge of it, too, and had just left, and been gone so long with no mention of her that everyone had forgotten she was in charge of the place, too. I remember thinking/wondering if this would make the situation at work better or not, although I trust Marge about as much as I trust Jeff, which is to say, not at all.
Anyway, she asked me if I wanted to come back to work for e-Lit. I hesitated, and told her that I'd just gotten a job, and I started next week, and it was making $19/hour (all true, later entry), and I wouldn't come back to e-Lit unless they gave me equal benefits and $40K per year. She agreed without hesitation, and I was scheduled to stop in that afternoon.
So, I go in. The place is, of course, different. I caught a glimpse of Jeff in a meeting, caught a glimpse of Marge in another meeting, and saw lots of people there I didn't know, as well as a couple I didn't. I didn't see Tim, Droid, Rob, or Mikey, which was disappointing, 'cause I miss seeing them in real life. Anyway, the layout of the place was slightly different, and for some reason, there were patient rooms there, and it turned out I was being hired as a nurse, not a processor. There were already a bunch of little teenybopper nurses working there, but they wanted someone who had some experience, and aside from the charge nurse, who seemed sort of distracted (actually, everyone seemed sort of distracted, in a Stepford sort of way), I seemed to be the only one with any real experience. I asked about processing, and was told, not in so many words, that I wouldn't really be allowed in that area (although they were vague enough that I blew the suggestion off). The wall to the conference room where it connected with Jeff's office had been filled in, except for a broken chunk, and the whole place had an under construction look about it.
At one point, I saw a friend of mine, CV, from Illinois, and he was with a group of trainees who were gonna be processors. Again, a bunch of punk kids (some might classify CV as that, too). CV knows his stuff in his field, but doesn't really know dick about computers, so I was kinda wondering what the fuck the deal was with that. He mostly ignored me, which confused and hurt me, since I haven't seen him since I moved down here, and would have liked to catch up on old times and such. He also had with him a few things that looked like my Lenox houses that I thought maybe I'd accidentally left up north, but he stated they were a look-alike, and they weren't mine. I kept coming over to look at them, though, 'cause I liked them. And, it seemed that these houses were kinda all over in my dream. No idea what the significance of them is, though.
I remember wanting to sit down with Marge, Jeff, and HR (there was no HR that I noticed in the dream), and talk about conditions of my working there, including the fact that I had no intention of starting work until they paid me the paycheck and a half that they still owed me (also true), and came clean on some other stuff. Marge said that we couldn't meet until next week, and I told her that wasn't acceptable, since I would be starting by then, and the meeting would determine my employment, at least for me. That never really got resolved, but I remember thinking that this is how they were gonna get away with getting me in there and fucking me over, by continually putting me off.
I remember walking around, exploring, being mostly ignored, and remembered finding new contracts for people to sign, one of which specifically mentioned myself (with my old name), Scott, Chip, Kim, and Christa as liars. Glenn wasn't mentioned, strangely enough. I also remember finding some high-heeled shoes, and walking around in them, wondering why the hell I was doing that, given that not only do nurses not wear heels, but that I was wearing formal whites, and the shoes were brown, and it was horribly tacky. It was almost like it was a compulsion, though.
Anyway, aside from some of the weirder elements, I'm guessing the whole dream is basically to remind me how much I distrust the whole e-Lit thing, and, to some extent, those who work there. Mikey's post aside (and it was a legitimate one), it's just completely outside my realm of possibilities to choose any workplace over ones friends. I mean, when any employer starts dictating (or attempting to dictate) personal life, who one can communicate with on one's off time, then that's where I draw the line, and I guess it confuses me that others would make a different choice. Had I been in the same situation, I would probably have ignored the dictate, and probably gleefully shared every detail, even if only in strict defiance of such a rule. I just don't GET it. And it hurts to be kept out of the details of life for the people that still will talk to me, and be kept out of the lives of others altogether. I don't deserve that. None of us do.
I think that's all I have to say about that.
I did, however, have a dream.
I was at home, and got a phone call. It was from Marge Malone, who was the facility director where I used to work in Illinois. Except in this dream, she ran e-Lit. Jeff still ran it, too; it was like she was in charge of it, too, and had just left, and been gone so long with no mention of her that everyone had forgotten she was in charge of the place, too. I remember thinking/wondering if this would make the situation at work better or not, although I trust Marge about as much as I trust Jeff, which is to say, not at all.
Anyway, she asked me if I wanted to come back to work for e-Lit. I hesitated, and told her that I'd just gotten a job, and I started next week, and it was making $19/hour (all true, later entry), and I wouldn't come back to e-Lit unless they gave me equal benefits and $40K per year. She agreed without hesitation, and I was scheduled to stop in that afternoon.
So, I go in. The place is, of course, different. I caught a glimpse of Jeff in a meeting, caught a glimpse of Marge in another meeting, and saw lots of people there I didn't know, as well as a couple I didn't. I didn't see Tim, Droid, Rob, or Mikey, which was disappointing, 'cause I miss seeing them in real life. Anyway, the layout of the place was slightly different, and for some reason, there were patient rooms there, and it turned out I was being hired as a nurse, not a processor. There were already a bunch of little teenybopper nurses working there, but they wanted someone who had some experience, and aside from the charge nurse, who seemed sort of distracted (actually, everyone seemed sort of distracted, in a Stepford sort of way), I seemed to be the only one with any real experience. I asked about processing, and was told, not in so many words, that I wouldn't really be allowed in that area (although they were vague enough that I blew the suggestion off). The wall to the conference room where it connected with Jeff's office had been filled in, except for a broken chunk, and the whole place had an under construction look about it.
At one point, I saw a friend of mine, CV, from Illinois, and he was with a group of trainees who were gonna be processors. Again, a bunch of punk kids (some might classify CV as that, too). CV knows his stuff in his field, but doesn't really know dick about computers, so I was kinda wondering what the fuck the deal was with that. He mostly ignored me, which confused and hurt me, since I haven't seen him since I moved down here, and would have liked to catch up on old times and such. He also had with him a few things that looked like my Lenox houses that I thought maybe I'd accidentally left up north, but he stated they were a look-alike, and they weren't mine. I kept coming over to look at them, though, 'cause I liked them. And, it seemed that these houses were kinda all over in my dream. No idea what the significance of them is, though.
I remember wanting to sit down with Marge, Jeff, and HR (there was no HR that I noticed in the dream), and talk about conditions of my working there, including the fact that I had no intention of starting work until they paid me the paycheck and a half that they still owed me (also true), and came clean on some other stuff. Marge said that we couldn't meet until next week, and I told her that wasn't acceptable, since I would be starting by then, and the meeting would determine my employment, at least for me. That never really got resolved, but I remember thinking that this is how they were gonna get away with getting me in there and fucking me over, by continually putting me off.
I remember walking around, exploring, being mostly ignored, and remembered finding new contracts for people to sign, one of which specifically mentioned myself (with my old name), Scott, Chip, Kim, and Christa as liars. Glenn wasn't mentioned, strangely enough. I also remember finding some high-heeled shoes, and walking around in them, wondering why the hell I was doing that, given that not only do nurses not wear heels, but that I was wearing formal whites, and the shoes were brown, and it was horribly tacky. It was almost like it was a compulsion, though.
Anyway, aside from some of the weirder elements, I'm guessing the whole dream is basically to remind me how much I distrust the whole e-Lit thing, and, to some extent, those who work there. Mikey's post aside (and it was a legitimate one), it's just completely outside my realm of possibilities to choose any workplace over ones friends. I mean, when any employer starts dictating (or attempting to dictate) personal life, who one can communicate with on one's off time, then that's where I draw the line, and I guess it confuses me that others would make a different choice. Had I been in the same situation, I would probably have ignored the dictate, and probably gleefully shared every detail, even if only in strict defiance of such a rule. I just don't GET it. And it hurts to be kept out of the details of life for the people that still will talk to me, and be kept out of the lives of others altogether. I don't deserve that. None of us do.
I think that's all I have to say about that.
