Core/Dream
Sep. 10th, 2005 07:54 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
bookofmirrorsSo, I had my Core process group today, the first in several months, since we've been off for summer vacation. We have a new member, who I like by sight (one of those people that styles her hair and dresses just quirkily enough that I assume she's cool and interesting). Of course, we spent most of our time going around the circle, saying what's been going on in our lives since we last saw each other. My synopsis talked about the financial problems we're having, how difficult it is, and the health problems I've been having, which have caused me to cut back on the work I do, which is only going to make the financial stuff worse; how lunenoire is getting his much-needed surgeries (he's doing great today, by the way), but the consequence of that is that he's only receiving a part of his usual paycheck (although he's already assured me that he'll still be able to cover those things that would affect me. Sad that I have to be that ego-centric about it, but there it is. I've been having chest pains on an almost daily basis, so I think I can get away with a little egocentrism. (Although, now that I think of it, none since my PDH session...)
Anyway, Pam decided that I needed to do some work around this area, withblckwngdorcl not having a job, and how that's affected me. My classmates were more worked up about it than I was. One, who's always been very good at getting angry (which I still suck at, but I'm getting better), got behind me, screaming in frustration, all the things I'm probably feeling deep down, but can't access, while on the other side of the bed, the only male member of our class role-played blckwngdorcl, while I was trying to work up enough anger to beat the bed with a tennis racket. Which rarely works for me. I did better with it than usual, but it still felt hollow. Hell, it's hard to be angry when you're feeling guilty about not being able to be the superwoman who CAN do everything. Anyway, she put me on the bed to kick (which usually works better for me, anyway). I don't remember much, really. Just that she was working the tight muscles in my neck and jaw, very painfully, making me scream. I remember thinking over and over again, "How can you hurt me like this???" and knowing that it was the question I wanted to ask blckwngdorcl. There was a brief point where she kept on with the muscles, relentless, and I was screaming, "STOPITSTOPITSTOPIT......!!!!" in what I knew was a completely unintelligible wail, but the energy of it felt different. In that brief moment, I was standing up for myself, although it went back to not understanding why I was being hurt.
I told her, when I had stopped screaming, that I felt like, if someone was hurting me that much (and knew it, 'cause I've told him on several occasions), who I knew loved me... well, then, I must have done something wrong. I must be the bad person. Except I didn't know what I had done wrong, I didn't know how to fix it. She said that idea likely came from earlier in my life, but I couldn't remember anything specific about it.
Anyway, that was the headspace I was in when I got home. Feeling defeated, wanting to stand up for myself, and feeling unworthy to do so.blckwngdorcl and I talked, and I acknowledged that, yes, he's NOW starting to look for jobs, but it feels like it's too late. And I didn't see him tearing out all the stops. I told him about how I felt, like I was the bad guy, even though logic dictated otherwise. How I knew about his shit, all those things that made it difficult for him to move forward in that area, but that I had to deal with myself here. I told him that what he said didn't give me comfort, because he's said it all before, and nothing has changed. We talked about deadlines and ultimatums. I told him that, if he didn't have a job by my birthday (slightly more than a month away), that I would stop providing for him financially in any way. Of course, I'd still cover the rent and utilities and such, but I wasn't going to give him money for anything else. So, no more going out to eat together, unless we can go dutch. No more spending money. *sigh* And still I feel like the bad guy. I told him that I wouldn't see his efforts as good enough, as willing to really work on this issue, until he was doing things like waking up early every morning, showering and walking for miles around here (or taking MARTA, now that he can use lunenoire's pass), and filled out every application he could, right then and there. No gathering them up and bringing them home, where they sit, untouched until I get fed up and throw them away. Until he came home exhausted from his efforts, but knowing that he'd applied EVERYWHERE, even the places he didn't want to work, because that was the only way I'd really understand that he felt I mattered. Maybe that's whiny, maybe that's childish, but I've been the mom for too long, so I'm trying not to feel guilty about having those feelings, about wanting that level of commitment. It's the same level of commitment I've been giving for about a year now, and I just can't, just won't, do it anymore. The universe has given me very clear messages that I will DIE if I keep up the pace I've been keeping. Literally, not just the soul death which, to one degree or another, has been part of my daily existence since about April, perhaps longer.
So, after that, I laid down to nap. I had been exhausted on the way home, and I really wanted to rest.
And, in the course of this, I had a dream.
I was with my core class. There was a small scene at the beginning, involving water, a pool, I think, and a mattress. I was floating. Actually, I think there was rain involved. Pam and one of my classmates were there, but I don't remember details about it. I was intruding, kinda, I felt. There was another brief scene, where I was driving, and it was to this farm, where I needed to get something, something I'd gotten there many times before. There was a dirt road up to it, but it was very tricky. If you didn't make just the correct twists and turns, you'd end up in an untenable position, and the only way to get out of it was to back up, which I suck at, anyway. I did make the incorrect turns, and ended up in a dead end between some fields, with my only way out a narrow path backwards, with two trees at the end, which I'd have to avoid. I did it, somehow, and drive up to their driveway, which it turns out wasn't quite the right way, either. Luckily, some of the people that lived there was just leaving, so that left me some room to manuever out. I got the impression that what I wanted from there wasn't available, so I left.
The next scene in my dream was the one that's probably most significant. (Although I'm still teared and feeling defeated, and I don't care to explore the significance at this time.)
Myself, and my entire Core class, were in a pool. The pool was full of great white sharks. It was unclear to me until later in the dream if the sharks were real or not (they were). But this was an exercise, and I was the focus of it. Something about the sharks, in their natural habitat, would rub up against one another, in affection, and I needed to get in touch with that. So, each of my classmates wrapped themselves around a shark (which was supposed to somehow contain the aggressive nature of the shark), and I was supposed to swim among them, rubbing myself along against them. And I was scared to do so, but not because they were great fucking white sharks, but because it made me feel vulnerable to my emotions. I did, though, and that went OK. There was a brief moment where I was able to set aside my fear, and revel in the touch, the freedom of it.
Then we all got out of the water. Somehow, there were cats in the water. My cats. Except that they weren't my cats I have now. It was Neg, and Mika, and their littermates (who I know nothing about in real life, but somehow, they were all mine). About 5 total, all with the same general look and coloring. They were in the water with the sharks, who were no longer being contained by my classmates. I was literally scared stiff. I didn't know what to do. The cats and the sharks were all gathered next to the ladder where you get out of the pool. I was too scared to grab the cats, afraid I'd draw attention to them, and in saving one, I'd doom the others. (I don't recall being afraid much of the sharks for myself...) Anyway, one of them, I think it was Mika (and I'm not 100% sure Mika was actually in the dream), jumped out, easy and casual as you please. As did Neg. Although a few minutes later, I looked, and Neg was back in the pool, using it as a litterbox. I was terrified, thinking he was testing fate entirely too much. He got out again OK, though, and somehow that spurred me to reach in the water and grab the next nearest cat, and then the next one, which had been underwater, prevented from getting to the surface by a few of the sharks. I got them all on a table (they were already no longer wet), and was trying to see how they were doing. There was a vague sense in my mind that one or more of them (especially the one that had been under water) might be dead, but I was just looking them over. Because their coloring was so similar, I was trying to figure out who was who by their tags. I remember looking especially for a cat named Pepper (female? I was also especially interested in a female cat, but not sure if it was the same cat). The first cat I checked out wasn't Pepper, but a different one, whose name I don't recall. I found Pepper, and think s/he was the one that had been under water, but I didn't really get a clear grasp in my dream if s/he was dead or not. I think I was thinking s/he wasn't, but I think I was also wondering if I were avoiding the issue. It never really resolved itself. Neg (and Mika?) were fine, wandering around like kings of the place, like nothing untoward had happened, and the other cats were on the table, with me looking them over. I was aware of feelings of fear, anxiety, hopefulness, and practicality just under the surface, but overall, I just felt numb. That's when I woke up.
lunenoire is getting his much-needed surgeries (he's doing great today, by the way), but the consequence of that is that he's only receiving a part of his usual paycheck (although he's already assured me that he'll still be able to cover those things that would affect me. Sad that I have to be that ego-centric about it, but there it is. I've been having chest pains on an almost daily basis, so I think I can get away with a little egocentrism. (Although, now that I think of it, none since my PDH session...)Anyway, Pam decided that I needed to do some work around this area, with
blckwngdorcl not having a job, and how that's affected me. My classmates were more worked up about it than I was. One, who's always been very good at getting angry (which I still suck at, but I'm getting better), got behind me, screaming in frustration, all the things I'm probably feeling deep down, but can't access, while on the other side of the bed, the only male member of our class role-played blckwngdorcl, while I was trying to work up enough anger to beat the bed with a tennis racket. Which rarely works for me. I did better with it than usual, but it still felt hollow. Hell, it's hard to be angry when you're feeling guilty about not being able to be the superwoman who CAN do everything. Anyway, she put me on the bed to kick (which usually works better for me, anyway). I don't remember much, really. Just that she was working the tight muscles in my neck and jaw, very painfully, making me scream. I remember thinking over and over again, "How can you hurt me like this???" and knowing that it was the question I wanted to ask blckwngdorcl. There was a brief point where she kept on with the muscles, relentless, and I was screaming, "STOPITSTOPITSTOPIT......!!!!" in what I knew was a completely unintelligible wail, but the energy of it felt different. In that brief moment, I was standing up for myself, although it went back to not understanding why I was being hurt. I told her, when I had stopped screaming, that I felt like, if someone was hurting me that much (and knew it, 'cause I've told him on several occasions), who I knew loved me... well, then, I must have done something wrong. I must be the bad person. Except I didn't know what I had done wrong, I didn't know how to fix it. She said that idea likely came from earlier in my life, but I couldn't remember anything specific about it.
Anyway, that was the headspace I was in when I got home. Feeling defeated, wanting to stand up for myself, and feeling unworthy to do so.
blckwngdorcl and I talked, and I acknowledged that, yes, he's NOW starting to look for jobs, but it feels like it's too late. And I didn't see him tearing out all the stops. I told him about how I felt, like I was the bad guy, even though logic dictated otherwise. How I knew about his shit, all those things that made it difficult for him to move forward in that area, but that I had to deal with myself here. I told him that what he said didn't give me comfort, because he's said it all before, and nothing has changed. We talked about deadlines and ultimatums. I told him that, if he didn't have a job by my birthday (slightly more than a month away), that I would stop providing for him financially in any way. Of course, I'd still cover the rent and utilities and such, but I wasn't going to give him money for anything else. So, no more going out to eat together, unless we can go dutch. No more spending money. *sigh* And still I feel like the bad guy. I told him that I wouldn't see his efforts as good enough, as willing to really work on this issue, until he was doing things like waking up early every morning, showering and walking for miles around here (or taking MARTA, now that he can use lunenoire's pass), and filled out every application he could, right then and there. No gathering them up and bringing them home, where they sit, untouched until I get fed up and throw them away. Until he came home exhausted from his efforts, but knowing that he'd applied EVERYWHERE, even the places he didn't want to work, because that was the only way I'd really understand that he felt I mattered. Maybe that's whiny, maybe that's childish, but I've been the mom for too long, so I'm trying not to feel guilty about having those feelings, about wanting that level of commitment. It's the same level of commitment I've been giving for about a year now, and I just can't, just won't, do it anymore. The universe has given me very clear messages that I will DIE if I keep up the pace I've been keeping. Literally, not just the soul death which, to one degree or another, has been part of my daily existence since about April, perhaps longer.So, after that, I laid down to nap. I had been exhausted on the way home, and I really wanted to rest.
And, in the course of this, I had a dream.
I was with my core class. There was a small scene at the beginning, involving water, a pool, I think, and a mattress. I was floating. Actually, I think there was rain involved. Pam and one of my classmates were there, but I don't remember details about it. I was intruding, kinda, I felt. There was another brief scene, where I was driving, and it was to this farm, where I needed to get something, something I'd gotten there many times before. There was a dirt road up to it, but it was very tricky. If you didn't make just the correct twists and turns, you'd end up in an untenable position, and the only way to get out of it was to back up, which I suck at, anyway. I did make the incorrect turns, and ended up in a dead end between some fields, with my only way out a narrow path backwards, with two trees at the end, which I'd have to avoid. I did it, somehow, and drive up to their driveway, which it turns out wasn't quite the right way, either. Luckily, some of the people that lived there was just leaving, so that left me some room to manuever out. I got the impression that what I wanted from there wasn't available, so I left.
The next scene in my dream was the one that's probably most significant. (Although I'm still teared and feeling defeated, and I don't care to explore the significance at this time.)
Myself, and my entire Core class, were in a pool. The pool was full of great white sharks. It was unclear to me until later in the dream if the sharks were real or not (they were). But this was an exercise, and I was the focus of it. Something about the sharks, in their natural habitat, would rub up against one another, in affection, and I needed to get in touch with that. So, each of my classmates wrapped themselves around a shark (which was supposed to somehow contain the aggressive nature of the shark), and I was supposed to swim among them, rubbing myself along against them. And I was scared to do so, but not because they were great fucking white sharks, but because it made me feel vulnerable to my emotions. I did, though, and that went OK. There was a brief moment where I was able to set aside my fear, and revel in the touch, the freedom of it.
Then we all got out of the water. Somehow, there were cats in the water. My cats. Except that they weren't my cats I have now. It was Neg, and Mika, and their littermates (who I know nothing about in real life, but somehow, they were all mine). About 5 total, all with the same general look and coloring. They were in the water with the sharks, who were no longer being contained by my classmates. I was literally scared stiff. I didn't know what to do. The cats and the sharks were all gathered next to the ladder where you get out of the pool. I was too scared to grab the cats, afraid I'd draw attention to them, and in saving one, I'd doom the others. (I don't recall being afraid much of the sharks for myself...) Anyway, one of them, I think it was Mika (and I'm not 100% sure Mika was actually in the dream), jumped out, easy and casual as you please. As did Neg. Although a few minutes later, I looked, and Neg was back in the pool, using it as a litterbox. I was terrified, thinking he was testing fate entirely too much. He got out again OK, though, and somehow that spurred me to reach in the water and grab the next nearest cat, and then the next one, which had been underwater, prevented from getting to the surface by a few of the sharks. I got them all on a table (they were already no longer wet), and was trying to see how they were doing. There was a vague sense in my mind that one or more of them (especially the one that had been under water) might be dead, but I was just looking them over. Because their coloring was so similar, I was trying to figure out who was who by their tags. I remember looking especially for a cat named Pepper (female? I was also especially interested in a female cat, but not sure if it was the same cat). The first cat I checked out wasn't Pepper, but a different one, whose name I don't recall. I found Pepper, and think s/he was the one that had been under water, but I didn't really get a clear grasp in my dream if s/he was dead or not. I think I was thinking s/he wasn't, but I think I was also wondering if I were avoiding the issue. It never really resolved itself. Neg (and Mika?) were fine, wandering around like kings of the place, like nothing untoward had happened, and the other cats were on the table, with me looking them over. I was aware of feelings of fear, anxiety, hopefulness, and practicality just under the surface, but overall, I just felt numb. That's when I woke up.
