bookofmirrors | Dreams and Reality (Reply)

So, yeah, I had a dream last night, but I woke up after it and went back to sleep, so I don't remember it. I think there was a war involved.

But, back to reality.

I did get quite a bit done on Monday. The master bedroom and bathroom look MUCH better, and more like they're supposed to look... I unpacked a couple of boxes (and repacked some)... I did accomplish quite a bit, and also managed to watch pretty much all of my DVR recordings. I'm not caught up on Battlestar Gallactica, which I watched based on

bulwerk's review. I'm not as enamored of it as he is (still like B5 better), but I like it. I wish I had seen the miniseries that started it. Anyone wanna invite me over to watch it, if you have it?

bulwerk?

I was across the room when the phone rang, and since it was sitting next to the radio, it didn't really ring, so much as create interference with the stereo. So, by the time I got there, it had stopped, really, and I caught the barest of glimpses of the incoming number. Just enough to get the area code, anyway.

574. My parents' area code.

I pulled up the number, and sat there, trembling, in a cold sweat. There was some part of my mind analyzing that, thinking that that sort of quick and dramatic reaction only really happened in books, and how strange that I found myself having it. I just stared at the number. It wasn't the house phone number. I don't call my dad's cell phone very often, and his and my mom's cell numbers are pretty close to each other, but I was pretty sure it was his. I didn't know what to do, I was terrified. I didn't know what to say, still. I was afraid to call back, and upset because I hadn't caught the call the first time... I was afraid he'd think I hadn't answered on purpose.

Then the phone rang again. Same number.

This time, I answered. I was right, it was my dad.

I couldn't even bring myself to try to sound cheerful, like nothing had happened. He immediately sensed something was wrong. He asked, of course, and I just said that I didn't know what to say to him, or Mom, anymore. I could almost see him ...not so much rolling his eyes, but sort of... "Is *that* why you haven't called??" Not in an accusatory voice, but more like, 'you SILLY girl'. He said that, no matter what, I could *always* talk to him. He went on to say that I had to live my life like I felt like I needed to live it, and that people (he meant primarily my mother) would likely come around later. I asked him if he was mad at me, too, and started to correct myself. My mom had said she wasn't mad at me, just disappointed. He said he wasn't, and neither was she. He said that she (and I think he, too) didn't understand why my life needed to be broadcast on the web. He said he didn't understand bloggers, and that whole concept. He said it was less what I did than my projecting it out to the world. Which was a little confusing, 'cause Mom had seemed all about what I did. But he did keep saying that my life was mine to live, and I should live it how I saw fit. In the back of my mind, I was thinking how good it was to have a father who's a Libra, too, although realistically, he's a cusp... ummmm... Scorpio, I think. What comes before Libra? Anyway, I was so relieved to have him say that... and yeah, he's a master at negotiations and such... he didn't get to be a vice president of his company for nothing... but it felt genuine to me. And it was such a relief. We talked for quite a while, in between our cells cutting off now and again. There was much crying, and much relief on my end. He did give me some updates on what's going on with the family. And he had some suggestions for talking to my mother, which I'm not going to write here. He said I could use his card for the hotel for my class that I'm taking on my birthday, in leiu of birthday money, which was a huge relief for me, and something I hadn't wanted to call about. Y'know, "Hi, I know y'all aren't too happy with me right now, but can I use your money?" Not something I wanted to do. But once I knew he was OK with me, it was OK to ask, if that makes sense. Anyway, I did a lot of crying, and I left the phone call feeling so completely grateful to have him as a father. And, the flip side of that coin, feeling like I am, and always have been, a horrible daughter, to have to have him be that wonderful of a father. So, I felt incredibly light and grateful, and at the same time, like shit.

I followed up this phone call with IMing

blckwngdorcl, rather than talking to him. We have a lot of issues going on right now, and neither of us really felt like talking to each other, but a lot was said, nonetheless. Nothing really resolved, but I got some things out that I probably should have said much earlier. (Well, should have acknowledged in myself much earlier, is more like it.) But, anyway, hopefully, that gave him a clearer idea of where I was coming from.

We followed up the next morning with breakfast out. There was enough money on the pre-paid credit card that we could, and I had gotten up early, and he couldn't sleep, so we sat across from each other and talked for a while. Again, can't really say things got resolved. But the lines of communication are still open, and that may be the best we can do for now. He needs to do a lot of internal work, and I need to try to be as supportive as possible without being a doormat. Hopefully, we can pull that off.

*sigh* Well, that's kinda the state of my union right now. Lots of things in flux, lots of things unresolved, but lines of communication (mostly) open, so light at the end of the tunnel, perhaps. The end of August grows ever nearer, when I'll be working on having more ME time. I want to have a PDH session in early September, so I can actually enjoy the time. I find it just about impossible to relax, even in relaxing situations. I'd like to remember how to do that again. I'd like to soak in the tub, float in the pool, just be me for a while, with nothing else going on.

One week.