bookofmirrors | Half-Waking Dream

More on why I'm home at all to begin with in a minute...

Anyway, in real life, I've called off work, and I can't decide if I'm exhausted and need to sleep more, or if I need to be up and maybe doing something useful with this time.

blckwngdorcl is asleep next to me, and

lunenoire has already left for work. I've decided that I'm going to lie down, and if I've fallen asleep by 8:30am (by my roughly 20 minutes fast clock), then I should be sleeping, but if I haven't, I must be supposed to be awake.

So, my dream occurs sometime in the space of 30 minutes, during not all of which I was fully asleep to begin with.

In fact, it starts out, apparently, with me deciding I needed to get up. I wander into the kitchen, and I found some garbage along the way (or picked it up on purpose, I don't remember which). Now, last night, the garbage in the kitchen was overflowing (something I had lamented to

blckwngdorcl about, but didn't expect him to deal with until today. However, when I went to throw what I had away, the garbage had been emptied, and there was very little in it. I assumed

lunenoire had done it, and was grateful. Anyway, I noticed it looked like there was a glass bottle in the garbage, more like a large flower vase, but it was upside down, and full of water, which was slowly leaking into the garbage. I almost left it, out of sheer laziness, but decided to take it out. When I did, it turned out it was really my Lenox Village teapot, which had somehow been broken. It took me a while to figure out what it was, and even when I did, it looked foreign to me, with features I hadn't noticed before, such as a place on each side to put teabags. I couldn't decide if I was annoyed about the teapot or not. On one hand, it was supposed to be reserved for fancy occassions. On the other hand, I said myself that I didn't want life to pass me by without using the good dishes, and we've been using the matching dinnerware ever since we moved in here, so there'd be no reason for anyone to think the teapot was off limits. I had the impression (or made the assumption) that

lunenoire had used it, and had planned to make me some hot tea as a treat, but I'd been asleep or something, so the gift went wasted, and in the meantime, somehow the pot got broken.

Around this time,

blckwngdorcl stumbles into the kitchen, half awake. Actually, in the dream, the "window" through area of the kitchen had moved to just above the stove, and he was standing on the other side of that. He was fiddling around with some stuff, generally sort of disconnected from the scene, but he did look up enough to nonchalantly (and somewhat chidingly) point out that the oven was on fire. I glanced over, and sure enough, I could see a glow, and an occassional lick of flame, coming from the closed oven. I tried to look and see if any of the burners, or the oven itself, was turned on. I had a vague recollection of being the last person (as far as I knew) to use the oven, and was trying to remember if I'd turned everything off. I was pretty sure I had. (True in real life, by the way - I made brownies last night, and I remember thinking to myself, "OK, brownies are done, oven and stove are off.") But the light wasn't on in the kitchen, so it was dim in there, and I couldn't see. I didn't want to open the oven, figuring that would make the flames leap out at me, so I'm sorta scrambling, trying to simultaneously see if any of the knobs were on, as well as digging under the sink where I was pretty sure the fire extinguisher was, but I couldn't see.

blckwngdorcl is still there, mostly ignoring me, and fiddling around with something. I yelled at him. "I need you to turn the light on, RIGHT NOW!!!" He seemed kinda confused, like I'd snapped him out of some reverie. I kinda got the impression of "huh, what?" as I kept scrambling. I was able to determine that nothing was on, squinting closely in the dark, and was able to find the fire extinguisher under the sink, although I was having trouble working it, again, due to the darkness.

blckwngdorcl still hadn't turned on the light, nor did it seem like he was going to. We have a gas stove/oven, and I wasn't sure what would happen when I put out the fire. What if I put out the pilot light, too, and we ended up with a gas leak? I figured I'd worry about that later. I noticed when I did open the oven, it was cluttered with all sorts of things, pans and whatnot, some not looking entirely clean, but all empty of food or anything cooking.

I got that dealt with, but somehow there was a fireplace in our (in real life nonexistant) basement, and it was somehow connected to the oven, and I needed to check it, too. So I ran down there,

blckwngdorcl still lost in his own world, and scoped out the fireplace. The fireplace had a strange setup. I tried to aim into it, but it was like I couldn't get at all of it. There was some sort of a closet behind it and above it, and I had to open that, somehow, to get to the fireplace... or, perhaps more accurately, I needed to rule out it being a factor in the fire, and make sure nothing in it was on fire. The closet turned out to be a storage closet, cluttered with things similar to the way the oven had been cluttered. The fireplace was below it, sort of, almost like it was set in the floor. There was no fire in the closet, so I focused my efforts on the fireplace, and eventually got it out. Somehow, I ended up noticing there were breaks in the wall, and if I looked through them, I could see the apartment below. I knew I shouldn't be looking in on someone else's house, but I was curious, and wondered just how much I could see. I figured someone building the apartment had cut corners, never expecting anyone to go into the fireplace.

I could see a few large speakers, with a laser light setup just below anda to the left. Ahead and to the right there was a section that looked like a dance floor - smooth concrete and shiny lights. Just ahead and below was a desk, neatly laid out.

I was contemplating all this when I woke up.

I have some interpretations of my own for this (although, as always, I'm willing to hear other thoughts), but I'm going to preface them with why I'm here and not at work this morning, because I think it's relevant.

Although I got quite a bit of sleep since Friday night, I didn't get much last night. Combination of a lot of things, mostly good.

blckwngdorcl had some serious things on his mind this morning that he wasn't willing to discuss, but he seemed mostly OK, I was groggy from lack of sleep, and generally just didn't feel like going to work. I was tired, and achy, and nauseous, but I don't think any of those were enough to keep me home. Problem was, I just knew there were so many other ways I could spend my time, more productively. I was kinda on a roll from yesterday. I'd (almost) killed two birds with one stone, and there was so much I could do now to work on the apartment. I really wanted to do that. From a practical standpoint, there are 2 lasers down at work today, and I think plenty of nurses, so the loss of one should affect the flow of the day. (Y'know, not with the laser down. We'd have more nurses than working lasers.) From a financial standpoint, it would put me at a "mere" 40 or so hours this week, if I didn't show up. And with Pam gone till the end of the month, I might possibly have the option of going in on Wednesday to make up for it. As far as my client tonight goes, I have some ideas there, too, which wouldn't affect my finances much. (Although I haven't decided 100% what I'm going to do about that yet.)

When I was in Illinois, I would frequently call off work to clean my house. It was more legit. I'd call and ask for the day off, and I pretty much always had enough overtime accumulated to get the day off with pay. I was also extremely good at what I did, and could usually have taken a week off with no notice, without much discernable disruption in the flow of things, since I usually had my shit together at least a week in advance. That doesn't really apply to this job, because of the nature of it, but it was something I was used to being able to do, 5 years ago, and it always put me in a good mood, good frame of mind, and made me an all-around happier person. Given my current push towards being that happy person again, I was leaning towards this being a good thing, in spite of the potential financial burden and the potential for it looking bad to the powers that be. I had already told them that my work schedule was weighing heavy on my health, and mental health IS health, after all.

So, I hemhawed back and forth about it, sitting at the computer this morning, trying to decide if I should go to work or not. I had some Karma Coins for tarot.com, so I thought I'd let the great internet oracle decide. (For the record, part of me is squicked by getting online readings. Part of me thinks that oracle-type stuff evolves with the times, as do other things. And I've found the online stuff helpful in the past.)

I got the following spread (Cat People Deck, Daily Reflection Spread):

Situation: Five of Pentacles

POSITIONAL (MAIN) MEANING
The emotional exhilaration of a project could sidetrack you from attending to practical details.

The card that lands in the Situation position refers to the circumstances you find yourself in with regard to your concern.

The Five of Coins in this position points to some kind of a merger or partnership opportunity which involves emotional or financial risks as well as great rewards. The structure of the new relationship is still somewhat up in the air.

There's a danger that you will be swept up by the excitement of the moment and neglect the practical details that will shape the relationship dynamic in the future. Do not discount this magical feeling, but be sure to ask the difficult questions anyway. Make people earn your trust rather than just giving it away.

In the English-school decks, the sickly poor freezing outside a well-lit church warn of the painful outcomes of inept choices, rather than focusing on the dynamic tension of the choosing itself, as in the traditional Continental decks.

I interpreted this as meaning that, the magical idea (staying at home and feeding my soul rather than my bank account) was really the right thing to do, PROVIDED that I would do OK financially if I did that. Which, I'd already decided I would.

Challenges/ Opportunities: Six of Wands

POSITIONAL (MAIN) MEANING
Define your mission and get organized so that tremendous energy is not wasted.

The card in the Challenges/Opportunities position reflects how you can use creativity to turn a crisis or challenge into an opportunity.

The Six of Wands in this position says to rally the attention of others around the next essential steps, before the energy that is available to you becomes scattered. As enthusiasm builds, you may have to deal with some confusion or contention, but a team leader needs to assess the situation and take charge before too much energy is wasted.

You may or may not choose to be that leader, but it's advisable to evaluate your role in the project or situation -- it is gathering momentum and building up a tremendous amount of energy that may prove to be valuable to you.

I interpreted this to mean that I needed to make sure I did the stuff around the house I had planned, rather than fritter the day away.

Advice: The Tower

POSITIONAL (MAIN) MEANING
You are the one to serve as a catalyst for change.

The card in the Advice position suggests a course of action which will harmonize what you want with what is currently possible.

With the Tower in this position, think of yourself as an agent of transformation. This self-sacrificing role is likely to create stressful situations, especially among your financial advisors and people who have an attachment to how you apply recourses. Your vision shows you that this radical change has already been unleashed by forces much larger than mere mortals, and therefore you are no longer resisting.

Now you may be at the forefront, acknowledging and accepting the bracing presence of the future bursting in on the present. Try to mediate the harsher parts of the changes as they unfold, so the most vulnerable are the most cushioned. Acknowledge yourself, as well as the others in your life, who are offering their resources to usher in a better future.

This was really telling. I really want to be the agent for change. I really want to make the change in my own life. I've tried catering strictly to my financial needs, and found it wanting, both for my soul, and the finances. It just hasn't worked. I need to be the one to break away from that kind of thinking, do what I espouse. Get connected with myself again, and ignore the advice of well-meaning people that say I need to focus on the practical. I need to focus on what I really KNOW is important.

Daily Lesson: Three of Pentacles

POSITIONAL (MAIN) MEANING
Call up creative inspiration and the necessary skills to serve an enterprise that is calling for an inventive approach.

The card in the Lesson position represents the personal investment or sacrifice required to derive full benefit from your current situation.

The Three of Coins in this position requires that you dig deep to summon help from your deepest source of inspiration, because a solution is required that necessitates a highly sensitive, multi-dimensional approach.

This is not for the faint of heart. Few can do this work, and you are the person who is being called to it at this time. Bring forth whatever higher response the awesomeness of the challenge evokes in you and let go of the lesser options. You will find the strength and skill to meet the need.

Further reassurance that staying home is a good idea, fraught with many hardships, and many more rewards.

Near Future: The Star

POSITIONAL (MAIN) MEANING
You will soon understand your personality and life patterns in an entirely new way. This will be nurturing, healing and regenerative for all concerned.

The card in the Near Future position indicates which way the wind is blowing with regard to your situation. If you follow the Advice card, however, you can improve on or neutralize tendencies.

The Star in this position is focusing on your prime motive, the mission you were born into this world to accomplish this time around. This revelation can settle old, unresolved feelings that have been churning within you. As you understand more fully why you are here, you may finally come to accept a lot of the circumstances you previously viewed as setbacks. You will be able to forgive the world of limitations, and be of service to it.

This coming awakening is the gentle and natural consequence of the work you have done on yourself. Relax and let it happen.

Pretty self-explanatory. It acknowledges that I'm taking steps, encourages me to do so, and says things will get better, if I just go with the flow.

So, yeah, I called off work today. And when I'm done with this, I'm going to grab some breakfast, and then work on the house.

But, back to the dream, 'cause I think it's all related to that.

Not sure what the deal is with the garbage and the teapot. I'd lamented that it hadn't been taken out, when

blckwngdorcl, in my perception, has plenty of time to do so, and had asked him to do it today, but I got the impression that

lunenoire was the one that had actually fixed the problem. This seems pretty indicative of life, to me. I feel like one is shirking, and the other filling in. The other impression I got was, in his attempt to do something nice for me,

lunenoire had broken something I treasured. This might be a hint to me that I need to do nice things for myself, and not rely on others to do it for me.

The fire thing, though, was really telling to me. I figure that represents all the little fires I put out.

lunenoire wasn't home, he was doing his own thing (going to work), which was productive in general, but I didn't perceive it as being necessarily immediately helpful to me. I had this blazing fire going on, which

blckwngdorcl was nice enough to point out, but then he didn't lift a finger to help me. He was immediately distracted by other things (which I perceived as pointless things, in the dream), and seemed to forget all about me and the fire. Which is how I feel a lot of the time. I work my ass off to deal with the fires (finances, some house stuff, although he does do a lot of that, trying to help him get a job and be supportive in that), while he goes off and gets distracted (gaming, comics, etc.). He says he sees how hard I work, and wants to help (hey, did you notice the oven is on fire?), but when it comes to actually doing so, I don't see much effort. And I DO want to shout at him sometimes, like I did in the dream. But, in the dream, as I fear in real life, it didn't work, anyway.

Not quite sure what the clutter was, in the oven or the closet over the fireplaces. Likely just how cluttered my life feels. The fires don't consume the clutter, and putting them out, the clutter is still there. Not sure why the other fire, though, the fireplace somehow connected to the oven.

However, I think the fireplace is probably symbolic of my own trial by fire. It's away from the clutter, away from the original fire. Not sure how this fits in, 'cause one would think I'd have to go into the fire while it's still blazing, but I put it out first, before I go into the fireplace. Maybe that means burning myself isn't necessary? Maybe I've already been singed enough on the other fire? Dunno. Anyway, I go through the fireplace, and see a different room below me. Clean, no clutter. I see two things that represent leisure, and fire (lights, and the fire in one's soul when one is listening to music, and dancing with abandon), two things I need more of in my life. The desk, neatly laid out, indicates that everything is ready to begin.

*sigh*

This is all so hopeful. But I am scared of it. Please send me energy for strength, and ditto for my husbands. I want this, I do. But that doesn't make it any less terrifying.