(Anti-) Valentine's Day
Jul. 1st, 2006 08:36 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
bookofmirrorsIf anyone recalls, 
BlckwngdOrcl and I had made the decision (well, I had to make it, but he supported me) to not have a Valentine's Day until he could afford to provide it. Details can be found here and here, if anyone is interested, and/or needs a refresher.
Well, pretty much ever since that day, it's been listed as a "high priority" task on his PDA. (When I found that out the first time, I totally burst into tears. I'm not used to people I'm in a relationship with following through on their promises.) And he had looked ahead a long time ago to find the first month when he had 5 paychecks - and it was June, with yesterday as that payday. Pretty much the entirety of the paycheck was destined to provide a Valentine's Day for us... or me, I suppose. I have a hard time saying that... it feels kinda selfish and/or self-centered to me. But, in reality, it was for me in many ways. That was kinda the whole idea. It's just hard for me to wrap my head around it. At any rate, the whole day did much to restore my faith. So, the day rolled around.
It had been agreed earlier that we would go to the aquarium. Looking back at the entries I referenced earlier, I don't see the reason for that, so I'll back up and explain.
My Valentine's Day this year was spent on pampering myself, as noted in the second referenced entry, above.BlckwngdOrcl's was spent with 
LuneNoire, who didn't have the same issues to work through as I did, and therefore didn't mind financing a romantic day. Although I understood this, and I think it was actually helpful for me to have that added challenge to work through (him having a "couple" day and me not), there was still a small sense of sadness and feelings of being left out. Way managable, but there. (I think I actually worked on Valentine's Day, and maybe took another day for myself, or maybe they went out on a day that wasn't actually Valentine's Day, 'cause my strong recollection is of this happening as I was leaving work...) So, as I was leaving work that day, and checking my phone like I normally do, I had several text messages. When the first one came through, it was a picture message (we both have camera phones) from BlckwngdOrcl, of a jellyfish. It was followed by several others, of aquarium life, but I was totally lost as soon as I saw the jellyfish picture. I totally burst into tears and started sobbing there in my car in the parking lot. It meant SO MUCH to me for him to think of me on that day, while he was out, sharing time with someone else. I just felt so loved and lucky to have this thoughtful and loving man in my life. Thinking about it thereafter pretty much had a similar result, and when I saw him at home later that night, the waterworks started again. I told him how much it meant to me that he had shared his day with me, and, somehow, and this was EXTREMELY hard for me, I asked him if he would take me. I can't express how hard that was for me, how vulnerable I felt, how ready for rejection I was. Even when he said yes (more waterworks), I think there was a deep down part of me that feared he would back out of it, or create some reality in which it wouldn't really happen. My Higher Self trusted; my Lower Self doubted and feared. As I said, finding it listed as a high-priority task on his PDA several weeks later sent me into more paroxysms of sobbing, I think from both gratefulness and guilt at having ever doubted him. (The fear was still there, under the surface, but there was hope, too.) So, hence the aquarium as our chosen date.
We showered together, as we often do. I think we both enjoy starting our day that way, and honestly, it's quicker and conserves hot water. I had actually had to run over to Snellville earlier that morning to get a state-issued photo ID (stupid Bank of America), 'cause the lines are shorter there, but when I got back, we got ready and left. We stopped at a Starbucks drive-thru on our way out. I had his debit card from earlier that morning, to put gas in the car and pay for the ID (20 fuckin' bucks!), and I told him to either get it out of my wallet, or use my Starbucks card, which still had some money on it. He seemed kinda hurt/offended that I was even suggesting to use my card. He said that he had actually been looking forward for quite some time to providing this day. I think it was as much a soul-expanding experience for him to give in this way as it was for me to receive. At any rate, he paid for the coffee, and we made our way to the aquarium, making much better time than I expected.
Now, keep in mind that this day was the culmination of a huge (and often painful) growth experience for me, and I think maybe forBlckwngdOrcl as well. As a result, I was very emotional. Most of my morning (and indeed, much of the day, off and on) was spent in tears. It's hard to exactly ascribe an emotion to them. If I had to, I would say they were tears of joy and thankfulness. Mostly, though, I just felt full. So full of emotions that it had to spill out somehow.
We got to the aquarium, and did the parking thing, and the walking up the entrance thing. The day was beautiful, and it wasn't too hot yet (our tickets were for noon), and I think we were both in the flush of the day, so I'm not sure we would have noticed if it was. Anyway, we walked in, and...
It was just magical.
Let me backtrack a little bit to talk about two things that are relevant here, one of which I'm not sure I've fully done justice to here, and one of which I know I haven't mentioned.
First, animal communication, which I touch on briefly in this entry. I don't talk about it much here, 'cause it touches me so much, it just feels very vulnerable to put it out there. I can't describe how it makes me feel. The very thought of doing that, using that tool to touch others, sends me into tears - those same tears of fullness that I described earlier. It's the thing that absolutely unequivocally resonates with my soul on such a deep level I can't express it. I *know* this is my path. NOTHING else has ever felt so right as my soul's purpose on this plane. So, to be in a place like that just sort of thrummed me. (As an aside, I think there was another reason I brought this up, but it's slipped my mind. Maybe it'll come up as I continue typing.)
Second, vegetarianism. I was a vegetarian for a while, a few years ago. At the time, I did it for my health - I truly believe it is a healthier way to eat. It wasn't really so much for the oh-don't-eat-the-cute-li'l-animals factor, since I believed (and still do) that everything has a life force, and who am I to say that the life force of a cow is more important than the life force of a carrot? I've felt like going vegetarian again (actually, I'd love to do raw foods) for quite some time now. Mostly the reason I stopped was financial. When you can barely afford groceries, you can only afford to buy for one palate, and my choice of diet wasn't pleasing to the rest of the household. *shrug* But, like I said, I've been wanting to go back. Part of it is just an awareness... or perhaps a belief that I had that was making itself known to me. In the sense that "you are what you eat", I kept getting the impression that eating death was becoming death. Vegetables, etc. (fresh ones) are still alive when you eat them, so that wouldn't apply there. The clincher, though, was a few weeks ago, when I left![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-community.gif)
tc_borderpagans to go pick up BlckwngdOrcl at work. There was a dead Canadian goose on 92 that night. It was a striking sight to me. Unlike most roadkill, this goose was plump, not flattened. His wings were outstretched, as if in flight, but had very few feathers, as if the impact had been so hard they'd all flown off. It made me very sad to see him there, mostly because BlckwngdOrcl has a special affinity for them. But the strange appearance of his wings got me to wondering how he could have gotten hit. I mean, geese generally don't fly that close to the ground. I began to wonder if the goose had been crossing the road, and someone had deliberately aimed for it or something. (Upon reflection, this is doubtful, 'cause if that were the case, his beautiful plump feathery breast would have been crushed, I think.) And that, on top of everything else, just made me start sobbing, so sad for the goose, so sad that there were humans out there that would do such a thing, so sad that I've known such humans, and haven't spoken up against them, because I was afraid. I cried for a long time, and again when I talked to BlckwngdOrcl. And, y'know, I kinda figured that someone who freaked out that much at the rather common sight of roadkill, however unusual it was, had no business eating meat, especially when there are so many other reasons not to.
OK, so that groundwork being laid, back to the aquarium.
First of all, I'm not even going to try to describe it. Just go. Really. Just do it.
But being there... oh, god, I can't even do justice to it here. In fact, I'm only trying because I realized that I write a lot of the "bad" stuff here, the traumatizing stuff, 'cause it's easier to write about. The "good" stuff is so profound to me, that I feel writing it here dulls it somehow, doesn't show it in all its glory. And it doesn't. But I wanted to show the other side. It's only fair, and I'll do my best to share it. So much beauty there. Absolutely magical. And, as I watched all these beautiful creatures swimming around, I was awestruck by them. And I couldn't imagine anyone wanting to eat them. (This was especially poignant to me, 'cause I had just been discussing earlier withBlckwngdOrcl whether or not shellfish with no discernable intelligence, like oysters, mussels, scallops, etc. would fall into my don't-eat-the-animals category.) Being there, I felt such a strong connection to the life there, I couldn't imagine it being killed on my behalf.
When we got to the halfway point, where the cafe' was, I noticed a sign that said there was a buffet in the Oceans Ballroom upstairs. I'm usually all about buffets, and it sounded a little fancier than the cafe' fare, so we wandered up there. The girl taking the money at the door said that this room being open to the public was actually a rarity, and they were doing it kind of as an experiment, since there were no groups renting it out at this time, and it was a holiday weekend. It also apparently overlooked the beluga whale tank.BlckwngdOrcl asked about Gasper (pic), and she said he had gained weight, and seemed to be doing better; he was still in isolation, but they were going to be letting him in with the other whales for short periods of time very soon. Anyway, when we went in there, it was pretty deserted. Even the people who were there had, for whatever reason, not taken what I considered to be the prime seats there, right in front of the window to the tank. We took those seats, and ate, and talked, and watched.
It was such a blessing to be able to watch these creatures. Aside from the proven health benefits of watching fish(er, mammals) in general, whichBlckwngdOrcl was feeling strongly, I can never doubt (and never did to begin with) that animals have souls and consciousness. There was such a feeling of calmness and wisdom coming from each of them. I told BlckwngdOrcl that I felt that each of the whales was like a Buddha. And how they interacted with the people on the side of the glass was just enchanting. It became clear that they were watching us just as we were watching them, and they seemed to tailor their movements to whoever was watching. They would often rub their bodies up against the edge of the tank, like a cat rubbing up against a loved one's legs. And, if that person was a child, they did so at the height of the child; likewise, they went up higher if it was an adult. It was so touching to me, and continued (and created more of) the sense of emotional fullness that had already permeated the day.
I think we left that area somewhat reluctantly, to see the rest of the aquarium. The other side of the aquarium was the side with the touch tanks, which I loved. We waited for every one of them, and touched everything. I love being able to have that level of interaction. I crawled on my hands and knees through the tunnels meant for children, and would have gone through the playground if there hadn't been a height restriction. I was thoroughly enjoying the day, and feeling very much alive.
At the end of our tour, we went to get tickets for the 4-D show, and sat around near the entrance till they let us in. Much cuddling and enjoying of each other. When we got in the show, the host, "Billi" did his schpeel, which kept getting messed up, 'cause of a glitch in the system. Apparently, as we were told, the whole thing was digital, and set up to run on auto, and basically it had to be rebooted. I think that actually made it MORE enjoyable, 'cause you got to see the employees there ad lib some things, (including one of them making a disparaging remark about Windows... heh), and have to go through the process about 3 times before the thing worked right all the way through. The show itself was just as corny as expected, but fun, which was the whole point. I loved the 4-D experience, with the bubbles and the water, and the streamers at the end. Pretty clever on their part. The kids, eager for prettyshinies, gathered up the brightly-colored foil streamers at the end of the show to keep as souveniers. I wanted some, too, actually, but the kids got to them first. :)
We went to the gift shop, and I really didn't see anything that I thought would properly commemerate the day, although I wanted something. I suppose I should have gotten one of the flattened pennies, but, oh well. There were several beautiful things, though.
When we left there, we agreed that, due to the time, and the fact that it was a Friday night in Atlanta, we should probably go directly to the restaurant, rather than go home first, or do anything else. We had already decided to go to Mt. Fuji, which is one of our favorite places, but one we rarely go to, because of the cost. Now, seeing as how it was Japanese, I assumed there would be a decent amount of vegetarian fare there. Y'know, tofu, or tempeh, or something, as a meat substitute. Strangely, there wasn't. Maybe that's a Chinese thing, moreso than a Japanese thing? Anyway, I was disappointed as I was holding the menu. And, honestly, I still enjoyed the taste of meat, and the meat there is to die for. And, honestly, I don't know if it was strictly rationalization on my part that I somehow created in my mind to be a spiritual thing or not... but it felt right to me at the time, and it hasn't felt right before (since the goose incident, after which the thought of eating meat sickened me) or since (eating there that night)... but, I got this feeling that it was OK, that I wasn't commiting some great horrible sin by eating meat, and that some animals did have that purpose for their incarnations here. It all felt very right to me, and I ended up ordering what I would have normally ordered. Each time any type of meat made its way to my plate (and I tried to do this for veggies, too), I offered up thanks to whatever Great Spirit was in charge of that particular species. It felt very Native American to me (such as is my limited understanding of that culture). And always, each time I did it, I felt benevolence in return. The meal was delicious, and far from filling me to the point of gastric distress, I never once felt uncomfortable. (This sort of thing has only happened to me once before, as documented here, and was also related to a spiritual experience). Anyway, inspired by the family sitting next to us, we got our picture taken (no scanner, you'll just have to imagine it), so that's my token of the day.
A couple of notes about the day, slightly out of order...
BlckwngdOrcl is often physically affectionate. He touches and kisses me often, whether it be a quick brush, or a playful grope. But he rarely reacts outwardly with lust, which is something I struggle with often, 'cause I have a hard time feeling desirable. Years of association with him has finally proven to me that, yes, he does in fact find me beautiful, and I've learned to trust that. But it's harder for me to feel like he wants me in that just-wait-till-I-get-you-home-and-get-you-naked kinda way, 'cause that's just not something he expresses. And, in typical egocentric fashion, I attribute this to not being desirable, rather than it being related to his own fundamentalist sex-BAD upbringing, and his early experiences with sex. (Logically, of course, I know it's not me... emotionally, however, I feel like it is. Irrational, but true.) Anyway, today was the opposite. There were several clandestine passionate embraces in some secluded and not-so-secluded areas of the aquarium, and whispered promises of things to come throughout the day. Not only were we connecting so VERY profoundly on an emotional level all day long, we were also connecting very strongly sexually. Which isn't to say we don't usually... it's just that he and I speak different languages when it comes to that, and the Universal Translator seemed to be working very well that day.
When we got home, we watched a DVR'ed episode of ST:TNG (The Chase), that I had saved because of somethingBlckwngdOrcl had told me about a concept Mike Straczynski had about a new Star Trek TV series, and the premise was one that they'd actually done a show about in NextGen, and it just so happened that that particular show aired shortly after he'd told me, so I'd saved it for him. Anyway, we watched that to let our food settle, and I burned some incense.
After that, we set about making manifest all those lustful whisperings of earlier that day, and fell asleep shortly thereafter.
********************************************
As important as this day was to me, it seems it was toBlckwngdOrcl as well. As we were talking, either at the restaurant, or just before, I started talking about how, sometimes, like when this great movie is supposed to come out, and they have all these trailers, packed full of action, shinies, whatever, and you're so fucking hyped up to see it... and then the movie comes out, and it falls far short of the hype, and you're totally let down... and I went on to tell him that this day had far exceeded any hype I had built up in my mind. He was so grateful to hear that. I think he felt a lot of pressure to make that day worth waiting for, worth all those months of me supporting him, all those talks, and everything else surrounding my codependency, and his reliance on it. And it was more than I could have ever imagined or hoped for. And I hoped for a lot, deep down, even though I was really afraid I was going to be let down. And I never was.
There are often times when, in the course of this relationship, that I feel like I've reached the limits of love, that surely there can be no more than what I'm feeling at that very moment.
Yesterday proved me wrong over and over again.
BlckwngdOrcl and I had made the decision (well, I had to make it, but he supported me) to not have a Valentine's Day until he could afford to provide it. Details can be found here and here, if anyone is interested, and/or needs a refresher.Well, pretty much ever since that day, it's been listed as a "high priority" task on his PDA. (When I found that out the first time, I totally burst into tears. I'm not used to people I'm in a relationship with following through on their promises.) And he had looked ahead a long time ago to find the first month when he had 5 paychecks - and it was June, with yesterday as that payday. Pretty much the entirety of the paycheck was destined to provide a Valentine's Day for us... or me, I suppose. I have a hard time saying that... it feels kinda selfish and/or self-centered to me. But, in reality, it was for me in many ways. That was kinda the whole idea. It's just hard for me to wrap my head around it. At any rate, the whole day did much to restore my faith. So, the day rolled around.
It had been agreed earlier that we would go to the aquarium. Looking back at the entries I referenced earlier, I don't see the reason for that, so I'll back up and explain.
My Valentine's Day this year was spent on pampering myself, as noted in the second referenced entry, above.
BlckwngdOrcl's was spent with LuneNoire, who didn't have the same issues to work through as I did, and therefore didn't mind financing a romantic day. Although I understood this, and I think it was actually helpful for me to have that added challenge to work through (him having a "couple" day and me not), there was still a small sense of sadness and feelings of being left out. Way managable, but there. (I think I actually worked on Valentine's Day, and maybe took another day for myself, or maybe they went out on a day that wasn't actually Valentine's Day, 'cause my strong recollection is of this happening as I was leaving work...) So, as I was leaving work that day, and checking my phone like I normally do, I had several text messages. When the first one came through, it was a picture message (we both have camera phones) from BlckwngdOrcl, of a jellyfish. It was followed by several others, of aquarium life, but I was totally lost as soon as I saw the jellyfish picture. I totally burst into tears and started sobbing there in my car in the parking lot. It meant SO MUCH to me for him to think of me on that day, while he was out, sharing time with someone else. I just felt so loved and lucky to have this thoughtful and loving man in my life. Thinking about it thereafter pretty much had a similar result, and when I saw him at home later that night, the waterworks started again. I told him how much it meant to me that he had shared his day with me, and, somehow, and this was EXTREMELY hard for me, I asked him if he would take me. I can't express how hard that was for me, how vulnerable I felt, how ready for rejection I was. Even when he said yes (more waterworks), I think there was a deep down part of me that feared he would back out of it, or create some reality in which it wouldn't really happen. My Higher Self trusted; my Lower Self doubted and feared. As I said, finding it listed as a high-priority task on his PDA several weeks later sent me into more paroxysms of sobbing, I think from both gratefulness and guilt at having ever doubted him. (The fear was still there, under the surface, but there was hope, too.) So, hence the aquarium as our chosen date.We showered together, as we often do. I think we both enjoy starting our day that way, and honestly, it's quicker and conserves hot water. I had actually had to run over to Snellville earlier that morning to get a state-issued photo ID (stupid Bank of America), 'cause the lines are shorter there, but when I got back, we got ready and left. We stopped at a Starbucks drive-thru on our way out. I had his debit card from earlier that morning, to put gas in the car and pay for the ID (20 fuckin' bucks!), and I told him to either get it out of my wallet, or use my Starbucks card, which still had some money on it. He seemed kinda hurt/offended that I was even suggesting to use my card. He said that he had actually been looking forward for quite some time to providing this day. I think it was as much a soul-expanding experience for him to give in this way as it was for me to receive. At any rate, he paid for the coffee, and we made our way to the aquarium, making much better time than I expected.
Now, keep in mind that this day was the culmination of a huge (and often painful) growth experience for me, and I think maybe for
BlckwngdOrcl as well. As a result, I was very emotional. Most of my morning (and indeed, much of the day, off and on) was spent in tears. It's hard to exactly ascribe an emotion to them. If I had to, I would say they were tears of joy and thankfulness. Mostly, though, I just felt full. So full of emotions that it had to spill out somehow. We got to the aquarium, and did the parking thing, and the walking up the entrance thing. The day was beautiful, and it wasn't too hot yet (our tickets were for noon), and I think we were both in the flush of the day, so I'm not sure we would have noticed if it was. Anyway, we walked in, and...
It was just magical.
Let me backtrack a little bit to talk about two things that are relevant here, one of which I'm not sure I've fully done justice to here, and one of which I know I haven't mentioned.
First, animal communication, which I touch on briefly in this entry. I don't talk about it much here, 'cause it touches me so much, it just feels very vulnerable to put it out there. I can't describe how it makes me feel. The very thought of doing that, using that tool to touch others, sends me into tears - those same tears of fullness that I described earlier. It's the thing that absolutely unequivocally resonates with my soul on such a deep level I can't express it. I *know* this is my path. NOTHING else has ever felt so right as my soul's purpose on this plane. So, to be in a place like that just sort of thrummed me. (As an aside, I think there was another reason I brought this up, but it's slipped my mind. Maybe it'll come up as I continue typing.)
Second, vegetarianism. I was a vegetarian for a while, a few years ago. At the time, I did it for my health - I truly believe it is a healthier way to eat. It wasn't really so much for the oh-don't-eat-the-cute-li'l-animals factor, since I believed (and still do) that everything has a life force, and who am I to say that the life force of a cow is more important than the life force of a carrot? I've felt like going vegetarian again (actually, I'd love to do raw foods) for quite some time now. Mostly the reason I stopped was financial. When you can barely afford groceries, you can only afford to buy for one palate, and my choice of diet wasn't pleasing to the rest of the household. *shrug* But, like I said, I've been wanting to go back. Part of it is just an awareness... or perhaps a belief that I had that was making itself known to me. In the sense that "you are what you eat", I kept getting the impression that eating death was becoming death. Vegetables, etc. (fresh ones) are still alive when you eat them, so that wouldn't apply there. The clincher, though, was a few weeks ago, when I left
tc_borderpagans to go pick up BlckwngdOrcl at work. There was a dead Canadian goose on 92 that night. It was a striking sight to me. Unlike most roadkill, this goose was plump, not flattened. His wings were outstretched, as if in flight, but had very few feathers, as if the impact had been so hard they'd all flown off. It made me very sad to see him there, mostly because BlckwngdOrcl has a special affinity for them. But the strange appearance of his wings got me to wondering how he could have gotten hit. I mean, geese generally don't fly that close to the ground. I began to wonder if the goose had been crossing the road, and someone had deliberately aimed for it or something. (Upon reflection, this is doubtful, 'cause if that were the case, his beautiful plump feathery breast would have been crushed, I think.) And that, on top of everything else, just made me start sobbing, so sad for the goose, so sad that there were humans out there that would do such a thing, so sad that I've known such humans, and haven't spoken up against them, because I was afraid. I cried for a long time, and again when I talked to BlckwngdOrcl. And, y'know, I kinda figured that someone who freaked out that much at the rather common sight of roadkill, however unusual it was, had no business eating meat, especially when there are so many other reasons not to.OK, so that groundwork being laid, back to the aquarium.
First of all, I'm not even going to try to describe it. Just go. Really. Just do it.
But being there... oh, god, I can't even do justice to it here. In fact, I'm only trying because I realized that I write a lot of the "bad" stuff here, the traumatizing stuff, 'cause it's easier to write about. The "good" stuff is so profound to me, that I feel writing it here dulls it somehow, doesn't show it in all its glory. And it doesn't. But I wanted to show the other side. It's only fair, and I'll do my best to share it. So much beauty there. Absolutely magical. And, as I watched all these beautiful creatures swimming around, I was awestruck by them. And I couldn't imagine anyone wanting to eat them. (This was especially poignant to me, 'cause I had just been discussing earlier with
BlckwngdOrcl whether or not shellfish with no discernable intelligence, like oysters, mussels, scallops, etc. would fall into my don't-eat-the-animals category.) Being there, I felt such a strong connection to the life there, I couldn't imagine it being killed on my behalf.When we got to the halfway point, where the cafe' was, I noticed a sign that said there was a buffet in the Oceans Ballroom upstairs. I'm usually all about buffets, and it sounded a little fancier than the cafe' fare, so we wandered up there. The girl taking the money at the door said that this room being open to the public was actually a rarity, and they were doing it kind of as an experiment, since there were no groups renting it out at this time, and it was a holiday weekend. It also apparently overlooked the beluga whale tank.
BlckwngdOrcl asked about Gasper (pic), and she said he had gained weight, and seemed to be doing better; he was still in isolation, but they were going to be letting him in with the other whales for short periods of time very soon. Anyway, when we went in there, it was pretty deserted. Even the people who were there had, for whatever reason, not taken what I considered to be the prime seats there, right in front of the window to the tank. We took those seats, and ate, and talked, and watched. It was such a blessing to be able to watch these creatures. Aside from the proven health benefits of watching fish(er, mammals) in general, which
BlckwngdOrcl was feeling strongly, I can never doubt (and never did to begin with) that animals have souls and consciousness. There was such a feeling of calmness and wisdom coming from each of them. I told BlckwngdOrcl that I felt that each of the whales was like a Buddha. And how they interacted with the people on the side of the glass was just enchanting. It became clear that they were watching us just as we were watching them, and they seemed to tailor their movements to whoever was watching. They would often rub their bodies up against the edge of the tank, like a cat rubbing up against a loved one's legs. And, if that person was a child, they did so at the height of the child; likewise, they went up higher if it was an adult. It was so touching to me, and continued (and created more of) the sense of emotional fullness that had already permeated the day.I think we left that area somewhat reluctantly, to see the rest of the aquarium. The other side of the aquarium was the side with the touch tanks, which I loved. We waited for every one of them, and touched everything. I love being able to have that level of interaction. I crawled on my hands and knees through the tunnels meant for children, and would have gone through the playground if there hadn't been a height restriction. I was thoroughly enjoying the day, and feeling very much alive.
At the end of our tour, we went to get tickets for the 4-D show, and sat around near the entrance till they let us in. Much cuddling and enjoying of each other. When we got in the show, the host, "Billi" did his schpeel, which kept getting messed up, 'cause of a glitch in the system. Apparently, as we were told, the whole thing was digital, and set up to run on auto, and basically it had to be rebooted. I think that actually made it MORE enjoyable, 'cause you got to see the employees there ad lib some things, (including one of them making a disparaging remark about Windows... heh), and have to go through the process about 3 times before the thing worked right all the way through. The show itself was just as corny as expected, but fun, which was the whole point. I loved the 4-D experience, with the bubbles and the water, and the streamers at the end. Pretty clever on their part. The kids, eager for prettyshinies, gathered up the brightly-colored foil streamers at the end of the show to keep as souveniers. I wanted some, too, actually, but the kids got to them first. :)
We went to the gift shop, and I really didn't see anything that I thought would properly commemerate the day, although I wanted something. I suppose I should have gotten one of the flattened pennies, but, oh well. There were several beautiful things, though.
When we left there, we agreed that, due to the time, and the fact that it was a Friday night in Atlanta, we should probably go directly to the restaurant, rather than go home first, or do anything else. We had already decided to go to Mt. Fuji, which is one of our favorite places, but one we rarely go to, because of the cost. Now, seeing as how it was Japanese, I assumed there would be a decent amount of vegetarian fare there. Y'know, tofu, or tempeh, or something, as a meat substitute. Strangely, there wasn't. Maybe that's a Chinese thing, moreso than a Japanese thing? Anyway, I was disappointed as I was holding the menu. And, honestly, I still enjoyed the taste of meat, and the meat there is to die for. And, honestly, I don't know if it was strictly rationalization on my part that I somehow created in my mind to be a spiritual thing or not... but it felt right to me at the time, and it hasn't felt right before (since the goose incident, after which the thought of eating meat sickened me) or since (eating there that night)... but, I got this feeling that it was OK, that I wasn't commiting some great horrible sin by eating meat, and that some animals did have that purpose for their incarnations here. It all felt very right to me, and I ended up ordering what I would have normally ordered. Each time any type of meat made its way to my plate (and I tried to do this for veggies, too), I offered up thanks to whatever Great Spirit was in charge of that particular species. It felt very Native American to me (such as is my limited understanding of that culture). And always, each time I did it, I felt benevolence in return. The meal was delicious, and far from filling me to the point of gastric distress, I never once felt uncomfortable. (This sort of thing has only happened to me once before, as documented here, and was also related to a spiritual experience). Anyway, inspired by the family sitting next to us, we got our picture taken (no scanner, you'll just have to imagine it), so that's my token of the day.
A couple of notes about the day, slightly out of order...
BlckwngdOrcl is often physically affectionate. He touches and kisses me often, whether it be a quick brush, or a playful grope. But he rarely reacts outwardly with lust, which is something I struggle with often, 'cause I have a hard time feeling desirable. Years of association with him has finally proven to me that, yes, he does in fact find me beautiful, and I've learned to trust that. But it's harder for me to feel like he wants me in that just-wait-till-I-get-you-home-and-get-you-naked kinda way, 'cause that's just not something he expresses. And, in typical egocentric fashion, I attribute this to not being desirable, rather than it being related to his own fundamentalist sex-BAD upbringing, and his early experiences with sex. (Logically, of course, I know it's not me... emotionally, however, I feel like it is. Irrational, but true.) Anyway, today was the opposite. There were several clandestine passionate embraces in some secluded and not-so-secluded areas of the aquarium, and whispered promises of things to come throughout the day. Not only were we connecting so VERY profoundly on an emotional level all day long, we were also connecting very strongly sexually. Which isn't to say we don't usually... it's just that he and I speak different languages when it comes to that, and the Universal Translator seemed to be working very well that day.When we got home, we watched a DVR'ed episode of ST:TNG (The Chase), that I had saved because of something
BlckwngdOrcl had told me about a concept Mike Straczynski had about a new Star Trek TV series, and the premise was one that they'd actually done a show about in NextGen, and it just so happened that that particular show aired shortly after he'd told me, so I'd saved it for him. Anyway, we watched that to let our food settle, and I burned some incense. After that, we set about making manifest all those lustful whisperings of earlier that day, and fell asleep shortly thereafter.
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As important as this day was to me, it seems it was to
BlckwngdOrcl as well. As we were talking, either at the restaurant, or just before, I started talking about how, sometimes, like when this great movie is supposed to come out, and they have all these trailers, packed full of action, shinies, whatever, and you're so fucking hyped up to see it... and then the movie comes out, and it falls far short of the hype, and you're totally let down... and I went on to tell him that this day had far exceeded any hype I had built up in my mind. He was so grateful to hear that. I think he felt a lot of pressure to make that day worth waiting for, worth all those months of me supporting him, all those talks, and everything else surrounding my codependency, and his reliance on it. And it was more than I could have ever imagined or hoped for. And I hoped for a lot, deep down, even though I was really afraid I was going to be let down. And I never was.There are often times when, in the course of this relationship, that I feel like I've reached the limits of love, that surely there can be no more than what I'm feeling at that very moment.
Yesterday proved me wrong over and over again.
