More of the Same...

[bookofmirrors]

So, where to go with all this? blckwngdorcl used some of his precious cell phone minutes to talk with me on his cell during his drive to work, shortly after we had discussed some of what I wrote before. I told him I was afraid of letting go, of letting us both live our own lives, basically. 'Cause if you're just two people living your own lives, then what's the point of being in a relationship? I can live my own life alone, so can he. I, sadly, am having trouble trusting in the old "If you love something, set it free........" adage. I'm afraid I'm not worth coming back to, I suppose. blckwngdorcl said that he thought he'd be more likely to want to hang around me if it weren't enforced, scheduled. And he said it on his own, not as a response to what I said above, so it carries more weight to me, in that it was an assertion, not reassurance. I'm also afraid that if we live our own lives, I'll end up doing everything alone. I really enjoy spending the day driving around with him while we go all over hell's half acre to pay bills and do other stuff that needs done, like grocery shopping and stuff. But, doing that takes much scheduling, which is exactly part of the issue. Sure, I can do it myself. I just don't want to. It makes me sad to think of doing that alone. Not to mention cleaning the house. Cleaning the house was an issue a while back. Not sure if I've ever mentioned it before, so I'll explain now.

Used to be that cleaning the house was something I did alone, by choice. In fact, I COULDN'T seem to do it if anyone else was around. I remember when there were 7 of us living together, I would get a bug up my ass about the house being a mess, and would go into the family room and tell everyone I was going to clean the house, they had 10 minutes to get the hell out, and they couldn't come back until I turned the porch light on. (This was one of the first instances of me being assertive.) They pretty much scattered, and, I must admit, they did it with good humor. I'd go around the house like a whirlwind, clean it from top to bottom, shower, relax for a little while, and give the all-clear signal, and was able to enjoy the company of my friends and the atmosphere of my house again. I did this when I was living with Fig. I remember even tormenting his boss for changing his schedule, because he had disrupted my housecleaning, which I did on Sundays, when Fig worked all day, and I was off. I did the same thing when I lived with Shayne.

Somewhere, I realized that I no longer wanted that responsibility all to myself. I was tired of it. I didn't want to be the sole person in charge of it. This was kind of a big deal for me, and it took me a while to even realize what was going on in my head, much less express it to blckwngdorcl. When I did tell him that I wanted help, he was very cool about it. There have been some issues with it since then, some external because of (gasp!) scheduling around our new job schedules and such, and some internal, because I ended up associating housecleaning with regard for me, so any reluctance on his part (regardless of the reason) became, in my head, him having no regard for me.

So, giving up all that scheduling puts me in a position of doing something which is really no biggie (paying the bills) and doing something which is (cleaning the house). Of course, either is only an issue if I make it one, but I'm making it one right now, and that's just the way it is.

blckwngdorcl said, unprompted by any of the above commentary, and with no sense of regret (that I could tell) that he would still help me clean the house, but I guess I'm afraid that, in order to let go of this whole clingy thing, I have to let go of everything. I told him that in my head, I could picture a pendulum that was all the way over to the right, just at that moment of non-motion, about to swing the other way, but that the ball had been grabbed and forced to the middle, and the energy had been disrupted, and was struggling to get back to where it was. That's kinda what I feel about the scheduling. If I left go of the ball, it's going to swing back where it was, and probably back and forth for a while before resting. And, I can hope that the resting point will be this kickass happy medium where he and I are coming together naturally, without scheduling, but my fear is that he'll just ... go away. Another reason I hate it when he games. Gaming is the other woman, so to speak. The irony being that another woman wouldn't even be an issue. Go figure.

In the meantime, he's being great on the phone. He's being honest about his own feelings on the issue, and they aren't always glowing towards me or the situation, but he's not being hurtful about it. Somehow, we got on the subject of my getting waxed, which I scheduled for this week after my physical, kinda tentatively, based on our money situation. It's a total luxury for me to get waxed under the circumstances, but something I've really been wanting to do for months. I have more reason to want to do it NOW (more on that later), but it's still walking a precarious financial tightrope for me to do it. Anyway, he brought it up, and I said that I was planning on cancelling the appointment, 'cause I didn't think we could afford it. I had actually planned a way we could, but I decided it was too risky. This went into a back and forth argument about it, where he basically insisted that I do it. I lamented that he wasn't getting to do anything of equal value for himself, and that it was financially implausible, and a zillion other reasons (some voiced, some not) why I shouldn't do it. He insisted, anyway. Even to the point where he said that if it came down to blowing his entire paycheck on that (or something similar), he'd want to do it. (Seeing it on paper, it sounds like he was making a desperate attempt to appease me, which is pretty far from the truth. It was much more like he was doing the Tough Love thing, insisting I do something for myself for a change, which is something I avoid like the plague, and rarely do. To the point where I sometimes resent it when he does things for himself.)

So, I guess I'm getting waxed on Thursday. I'm still dragging my feet, though.

We never really discussed what exactly was going to happen regarding this. I think the general unspoken consensus was that I was just gonna quit cold turkey, and we were gonna buy some big calendars where we could each put our schedules down, so we at least knew what the other person was gonna be doing. This scares the hell outta me, of course, but not sure what else to say about it.

I did mention to him that I hated that this became my issue. In yet another example of the truth hiding within the truth, just because I have my own issues with Glenn's gaming and such, doesn't mean it's not his issue, too. I didn't like being the bad guy. He says he feels like he's improved a great deal in this area, and he probably has. I'm sure I'm seeing a lot of phantoms, or making a big deal about what's real. Not sure what to do about that. Am also scared of the move later, when all things gaming become even more accessible.

Again, that fear thing. I can see Glenn's fear clearly, and once told him that I felt very bad for him, because it must be an awful thing to live your life in fear, to make decisions from that place, and to constantly have that sense of it. I haven't reached the point where I have that compassion for myself. Mostly I'm still assimilating and acknowledging it, and berating myself for being this way. Never mind the fact that I don't fault OTHER people for doing it. It's natural, right? Human nature. Ah, the joys of hubris. I don't WANT to be human when it comes to that. And I've done a pretty good job of fooling myself all these years.

Comments

[simplysakka.livejournal.com]

Gaming is the other woman, so to speak. The irony being that another woman wouldn't even be an issue. Go figure.

Baby, if I may say something here...

I wonder if you can really let go if there truly were another woman in the picture... I mean, if 's gaming time cuts into your time with him, and even when you have time *with* him it plagues you that it isn't quality time, then how can you reconcile your feelings if he truly did find an OSO? (Or a fling, perhaps, I realize that you guys operate on a different level of polyamory than wyzard_vyrnahnn and I...) I worry about this because I see time being an issue, a pretty strong one, and if he gives his time to gaming and that disturbs you, what if he is giving his time to another living, breathing, loving person...and you *still* don't get the time you need with him?

Just something to think on...

[bookofmirrors.livejournal.com]

I dunno... I guess I see it as being different. The reason we stopped being poly for a long time was because we could both see the tendency of it to be an escape for us. A way for either or both of us to avoid the issues in our own relationship. Neither of us wanted it to be that. If we were gonna be with other people in any capacity, we wanted it to be because we genuinely wanted to be with that other person, be it for fun, a deeper connection, what have you. We didn't want it to be because we were avoiding our own issues. And, back then, I know it would have been, at least for me.

But we did a lot of work on that issue. And, the short story is that I no longer feel that if either of us were to take that route, it would be due to something lacking in our own relationship. It took us a long time to get to this point. So, I guess the difference for me is that I do see gaming as running (your and elorie's comments notwithstanding; I must think on those), while I don't see him being with someone else as running. And I think I'm equally worried about him running from himself, and running from me when it comes to that.

As far as time goes, I'm not sure about that one. It is an issue for me. I'm trying hard to separate time spent with what he does with the time spent away from me. I see work (for both of us) as a necessary evil, but it doesn't seem to bother me as much when we're working, unless I'm feeling particularly fragile. Now that I think of it, I dont' think it has so much to do with time as it does with (what I perceive as) him choosing things OVER me, regardless of the time spent.

And that is DEFINITELY an issue I need to work on...

The Grace of Being and/or AARRGH!!! Just STOP IT

[monarchprime.livejournal.com]

One of the "legacies" of former spiritual groups (you know of whom I speak) is the constant "self-doubt" that was programmed into everyone who was a part of it. It's almost endemic to spiritual evolution and spiritual systems that we think of ourselves as moving toward a particular goal, along a particular track, always measuring our worth, our quality, our progress along that path (Whatever it may be).

What (usually) isn't apparent is the tremendous disservice this does to our perceptions, because everything by which we measure ourselves ends up being derived from a viewpoint where we "lack" the final goal we're striving toward.

How can you live life based on everything you "lack??"

How can you possibly feel good about yourself when all you concentrate on is your "lack??"

(this "you" is meant rhetorically, btw).

So, now you're concentrating on how you "lack" independence by wanting to spent time with your husband?

C'MON!! he's your husband!! Of course you want to spend time with him. Of course, there's actually NOTHING wrong with that. All this consternation over wanting to spend time with someone your love, someone you respect, someone you totally enjoy spending time with.

What disturbs me is that you've turned this simple, logical, loving impulse into something "wrong with yourself."

Just BE. Just BE wanting to spend time with him. Just BE that emotion without judging it. Accept it and adjust. You're a human being. You GET to be emotional from time to time and you get to be selfish from time to time and just want him to spend time with you instead of disappearing into Everquest or Neverwinter Knights or some never-ending gaming experience.

If he feels like you schedule his life, ask him how much of it does he schedule himself? How much of his plans does he tell you in advance so you can work it into what you need and want?? Does he every go to the grocery and get food for you guys by himself? Does he ever spontaneously clean the house just because it's dirty? HOw much of it would get done without your scheduling??

Marriage is a cooperative effort. Both parties need to be involved in the scheduling, in the doing, in everything. Both parties need to spent time together and (yes!) both parties need alone time. Frankly EvERY WEEKEND while you're at work is pretty serious alone time (sometimes I wish I could have even 1 weekend a month).

Whatever issues's he's having and/or running from and whatever issues you're having and/or running from stop judging them and just HAVE them. Until you allow them to BE, they will plague you and never be resolved, because you'll be denying them on some level.

Be petty freely, for a change. That's a level of "accepting your anger" that you haven't connected with yet. Be selfish and cruel and petty and bitchy without reservation just once in a while and allow it.

You'll find it very comforting in the end, because it will allow you all kinds of positive stuff later. :)

Ah! well, this tirade is done.

Re: The Grace of Being and/or AARRGH!!! Just STOP IT

[bookofmirrors.livejournal.com]

Aw, I actually like your tirades. :)

And yeah, much of what you say is true. Although I think after dinner tonight, there's a bit better perception of how much time blckwngdorcl actually does spend gaming, which isn't nearly as much as it appears to come across. I am oversensitive to it. And he does do it quite a bit.

Somewhere in between lies the truth.

But, you're right. The issue here isn't so much about gaming as it is my being able to deal with the spectrum of my emotions. And it IS hard for me to not see that as a "lack" of some kind. I feel like I "lack" the ability to get angry, when obviously I must be, or I wouldn't be reacting to things the way I do. But, your advice is good. If I were to just BE, maybe ALL of me would come out, including the anger. And the fear.

Scary as hell, though.

Re: The Grace of Being and/or AARRGH!!! Just STOP IT

[elorie.livejournal.com]

Yeah, what he said.

The thing is, I see that sort of thing as antithetical to my notion of what Pagan spirituality is supposed to be about. Immanent value, you know. Meaning that you're valuable and sacred...you, the person you are right this minute, yes YOU are a manifestation of the Divine as you are. Not after you've gone through some ill-defined "purification" or "enlightenment" process, but NOW. Your anger, too, is sacred. Chew on that one for a while...

Re:

[simplysakka.livejournal.com]

Right, I guess you've verbalized what I was thinking before, and I didn't express well... Not so much a time issue, then... Rather, if his OSO(s) were to become an issue of him choosing them OVER you...

I guess we all have issues to work on. Sorry if I've brought up yet another one... But better to think it all out now, than blow up if it were to happen...

[bookofmirrors.livejournal.com]

Actually, the more I think about it, gaming seems to be the only issue for me. I don't seem to mind when he does other things that take him away from me. For some reason I'm fixated on gaming.

Well, we'll bring it up with our therapist next time around. :)

Re:

[simplysakka.livejournal.com]

Heh heh heh...

And WHAT a can of worms we are opening, then, with allowing those boys the full run of the garage to create their "gaming paradise"...

At least he will be under the same roof.

HUGS!