A Post About Nothing
Oct. 6th, 2005 10:15 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
bookofmirrorsI had my Core classes recently, and each day was a revelation, a curiosity, a joy, and a pain, and each day of classes was followed by the same at home. And I'd love to write about it, but I've waited too long, and the moments have been lost, and are a jumble to my barely-awake mind at this point. And I have this thing in my mind where anything I try to write would be trite and incomparable to the actual experience(s). So, I may write about them, I may not. As a few mundane highlights, I'll mention the following:
My relationship withblckwngdorcl has grown stronger.
My relationship withlunenoire has been healed, and we're connecting in ways we haven't in a long time, and in some cases, ever.
The relationship among the three of us has been strengthened, deepened, and reaffirmed. Strangely enough, even though right now, I can't think of a thing that confirms this, I think things are better on a practical level, too.
I discovered, through a local rolfer who did a guest segment in class (Libby Eason, I think, who doesn't seem to have a website I can link to) that people can be upwardly displaced or downwardly displaced, and each type grounds differently. After a little experiment, I was *clearly* upwardly displaced. This really isn't too terribly surprising, I don't think, although the negative judgement I had placed on it (and others have, in the past) was removed. Apparently, that's just the way people are, and there's nothing wrong with that. However, it means there's a difference in the way I ground, or anyone else who's upwardly displaced grounds. I mean, I can ground the ways I've been taught (some days are better than others), but when she showed me the technique for grounding an upwardly-displaced person... I mean DAMN. I could feel the energy sink, fast and hard. I happened to be the guinea pig at the time, so I was standing in front of the rest of the class when it happened, and they all oohed and aahed about it, because they could see it clearly when it happened. I'm having trouble recreating it, though, but I'm gonna keep working on it.
The three of us got to go to![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-community.gif)
tc_borderpagans on Monday, the first time blckwngdorcl and I have been in a VERY long time, and (to the best of my knowledge) the first time lunenoire has ever been. It was interesting to hear his perspective on things, and I think he and bulwerk will end up having a long and interesting conversation about heathenry if they ever have the opportunity. Plus, I think bulwerk would adore him.
The following day, fresh from my Core classes, I had coffee withwalkingbear, which was a very good experience. I stayed grounded throughout the discussion (I had to pay attention, though, to make sure I did), I said everything I knew I wanted to say and then some, and I felt in my element without feeling a sense of hubris about it, nor a particularly vested interest in the outcome, which is a huge change for me. I think the
dream I had the other day spoke to that. Just that things work out the way they are supposed to, and it's all OK.
I came home from this encounter grounded in a way I'm not typically grounded except after classes or therapy, and had a really good talk withblckwngdorcl and lunenoire after the fact. I'd been so disconnected from myself in the recent past, that I basically said that I might not do the logical thing and practice Core Energetic therapy after I finish the program. I said, and still believe, that going through the process is such a transformative and valuable self-discovery tool that even if I never see a client, the time and money will have been well worth it, in spite of the difficulties it creates. And maybe I won't do it formally, who knows? But it doesn't change the fact that, being that reflection for others is when I feel most grounded, most myself, most my Higher Self, and most connected to deity. (Wow... I'm just noting that even writing this is putting me in that state...) I knew this before, and had forgotten. It may not take shape the way I think it will - there are certainly other things that point to different paths in my life. But to sit and really share with someone like that... it touches my soul in ways that are too deep to express.
As a result of that state of being, and the many encounters I've had withlunenoire over the past week, we were able to reconnect physically that night. I mean, nothing much happened, really... just kissing. But I felt myself opening up to it, to him, in ways I hadn't in a very long time. It was good, and pure, and stayed on my mind long after the fact. I'm not going to sully his entry on what happened the next day by trying to recreate it here. Besides, I lose my head in such circumstances, and can't describe it well. I write pretty good fictional erotica, but to describe actual encounters... notsomuch. I know that not being in the same state of being made it feel different, not as open and connected as the previous day, and part of me mourned for that, but at the same time, it was as open and connected as I usually am at those times, so it's not like I lost anything per se. Just that the previous night had been extremely special and magical, and I could tell the difference. Even so, it was fabulous, I and treasure it.
October is a pretty significant month for me.
Yesterday was the anniversary of my legal wedding withblckwngdorcl. blckwngdorcl and I are celebrating today, though, 'cause this is when we really wanted the wedding to be (and, if we'd had the money at the time, when we were gonna have a handfasting at Dragon Hills, complete with Celtic regalia and our family of spirit), since it was when the New Moon went into Libra in 2002. So, historically, we've celebrated either or both days. Which is always a good thing.
Yesterday was also my first anniversary date with Sona. I still love it there, but having had several days off, it was hard to get back into the swing of it.
Today has always been my anniversary withlogomancer, as well, the day we really met, at a science thing of some sort at Furman University. We spent the day together, I curled up on the bus with him on the way home (which included him stroking me softly all over, and the most intense passion I had felt at that age... and it still ranks very high in my book, 20 years later). We dated until just before I moved away, when he told me he was gay, and were the best of friends, from a distance, until I moved here in 2000, at his suggestion. Our relationship from there has been sporadic and rocky. Right now, I'm at a point where I'd love to reconnect, but he doesn't seem to want that right now. Which isn't to bash him, in case it sounds like that. Several months ago, he was ready to reconnect with me, and I told him I wasn't ready yet. Then, other things happened, things became rocky again, and honestly, I just don't know where I stand. My Higher Self knows that things will work out as they should, and on days, I can remember that such a strong bond can't possibly just disappear, in spite of all that's happened, good or bad. My Lower Self is afraid, in a lot of ways, though, and things happen now and again that make me realize just has fresh and present that wound is.
The 16th is my birthday. It's always been a magical time for me, a day I insist on being treated like a queen. I've had a couple of bad ones in the recent past, but overall, I look forward to my birthday like a kid. This year, I was gonna go to a 2-day class on animal communication as my gift to myself. Finances haven't permitted that, though, unfortunately, so now I'm not sure what I'll be doing. I still have the days off work, though.
The 26th is an anniversary with Fig. It's a recent anniversary, in the grand scheme of things. In the past, I considered our anniversary to be February 15, because that was the first time we were together, sexually. It took years for me to realize how significant that date was, in terms of my first marriage. For us to have driven out to the country that night, it meant that I hadn't been in bed, cuddling with Leo, on the night after Valentine's Day. I'd freak out if I heard of anyone else doing something like that. That's just COLD, y'know? And I wouldn't have thought of myself, especially then, living fully in my Mask most of the time, as someone who would diss someone, especially one's spouse, in that way. But, I did. I don't even have an explanation for it. I don't remember that Valentine's Day at all, have no recollection of what we did, or why I wasn't in bed with him at 2am. I'm sure we must have spent it together. I mean, that's what you DO. But I have no memory of it. But I ended up with Fig in his Blazer on a country road. It wasn't the cause of my divorce. Fig and I had talked about being together sexually long before that. I remember asking him, and believing fully in my own words, "Knowing that I would never in a million years cheat on my husband, if we were given the opportunity, would you?" (Note: In spite of my use of quotes, I can't be sure if that's an accurate quote. The gist of it is accurate, though.) His answer was yes, which was gratifying enough for me at the time. It's my opinion, although it sounds just as much like a copout as it does the truth... not sure if it's the truth or the Truth, to be honest... but it's my opinion that, in my heart and mind, and on everything but paper (and the unfortunate fact that I hadn't made it clear to myself or Leo), I wasn't married to Leo any longer when it happened. I'd like to think that I never really could have cheated on my husband. Honestly, though, I don't know. I was a different person back then. I was working on a gray area, where Leo had given me permission to be with Fig... but the permission assumed he would be present, watching. Fig wasn't comfortable with that, so we went behind Leo's back to do something we'd been given permission to do in his presence. My current polyamory ethics find this distasteful at best. Nonetheless, that's what happened. Anyway, to get back to the October 26th date... this was the date that I finished a very long letter to Fig... at a moment when I was very much in my Higher Self, and felt OK with him dating Jessica, felt OK with the whole situation, was OK with our relationship before, during, and after, and said that I was changing our anniversary date to the date of that revelation, and that it felt right to me to do so, even moreso because I had other (2, at the time) significant dates in October (all ending in 6, for that matter). Of course, since then, I haven't been in my Higher Self all the time. The ramifications of my relationship with Fig have had far-reaching effects on my marriage withblckwngdorcl, and usually not in good ways. blckwngdorcl reminds me of Fig in so many ways, and even in ways where, if I think about it, there really isn't a resemblance, it still triggers a fear that began in that relationship.
Interestingly enough, I might see Fig tomorrow. His little (half) brother is graduating from basic training at Fort Benning, and I've been invited to go, both by Christopher and his parents (Fig's dad and stepmom). Last I heard, they didn't know for sure if Fig would be going, and whether or not Jessica would be going with (she's pregnant, from what I understand). I'm going regardless, though, and... well, we'll just see what happens if I encounter him. I still have a lot of Lower Self stuff involved with him and our relationship. But I'm starting to really just be OK with it, and be able to come from a place of my Higher Self. Five years does seem to be about the key for me. Slightly less with Leo. Slightly more with Fig, it would seem, assuming I am where I think I am about it.
Of course, if he ever found this LJ, and certain entries in it, unless he's been up front, finally, with Jessica, as to the REAL nature of our relationship... well... this LJ in that respect represents a promise broken, since I've not kept it a secret, but hidden in plain sight. There is both an aspect of Higher Self truth to that, and an element of Lower Self revenge. Right now, it's not vengeful, I don't think. It's just that I'm not going to continue to hide that for his sake.
Anyway... This entry has turned out much longer than I had ever considered that it would, although it feels good to write all that.blckwngdorcl is now awake, and has patiently allowed me to finish this before we start our day together. My father, who I'll never be able to thank enough for things in my life, has helped us to have the financial wherewithall to enjoy different aspects of this day. And I look forward to beginning it.
Happy Anniversary, my loves.
My relationship with
blckwngdorcl has grown stronger.My relationship with
lunenoire has been healed, and we're connecting in ways we haven't in a long time, and in some cases, ever.The relationship among the three of us has been strengthened, deepened, and reaffirmed. Strangely enough, even though right now, I can't think of a thing that confirms this, I think things are better on a practical level, too.
I discovered, through a local rolfer who did a guest segment in class (Libby Eason, I think, who doesn't seem to have a website I can link to) that people can be upwardly displaced or downwardly displaced, and each type grounds differently. After a little experiment, I was *clearly* upwardly displaced. This really isn't too terribly surprising, I don't think, although the negative judgement I had placed on it (and others have, in the past) was removed. Apparently, that's just the way people are, and there's nothing wrong with that. However, it means there's a difference in the way I ground, or anyone else who's upwardly displaced grounds. I mean, I can ground the ways I've been taught (some days are better than others), but when she showed me the technique for grounding an upwardly-displaced person... I mean DAMN. I could feel the energy sink, fast and hard. I happened to be the guinea pig at the time, so I was standing in front of the rest of the class when it happened, and they all oohed and aahed about it, because they could see it clearly when it happened. I'm having trouble recreating it, though, but I'm gonna keep working on it.
The three of us got to go to
tc_borderpagans on Monday, the first time blckwngdorcl and I have been in a VERY long time, and (to the best of my knowledge) the first time lunenoire has ever been. It was interesting to hear his perspective on things, and I think he and bulwerk will end up having a long and interesting conversation about heathenry if they ever have the opportunity. Plus, I think bulwerk would adore him. The following day, fresh from my Core classes, I had coffee with
walkingbear, which was a very good experience. I stayed grounded throughout the discussion (I had to pay attention, though, to make sure I did), I said everything I knew I wanted to say and then some, and I felt in my element without feeling a sense of hubris about it, nor a particularly vested interest in the outcome, which is a huge change for me. I think the dream I had the other day spoke to that. Just that things work out the way they are supposed to, and it's all OK.
I came home from this encounter grounded in a way I'm not typically grounded except after classes or therapy, and had a really good talk with
blckwngdorcl and lunenoire after the fact. I'd been so disconnected from myself in the recent past, that I basically said that I might not do the logical thing and practice Core Energetic therapy after I finish the program. I said, and still believe, that going through the process is such a transformative and valuable self-discovery tool that even if I never see a client, the time and money will have been well worth it, in spite of the difficulties it creates. And maybe I won't do it formally, who knows? But it doesn't change the fact that, being that reflection for others is when I feel most grounded, most myself, most my Higher Self, and most connected to deity. (Wow... I'm just noting that even writing this is putting me in that state...) I knew this before, and had forgotten. It may not take shape the way I think it will - there are certainly other things that point to different paths in my life. But to sit and really share with someone like that... it touches my soul in ways that are too deep to express.As a result of that state of being, and the many encounters I've had with
lunenoire over the past week, we were able to reconnect physically that night. I mean, nothing much happened, really... just kissing. But I felt myself opening up to it, to him, in ways I hadn't in a very long time. It was good, and pure, and stayed on my mind long after the fact. I'm not going to sully his entry on what happened the next day by trying to recreate it here. Besides, I lose my head in such circumstances, and can't describe it well. I write pretty good fictional erotica, but to describe actual encounters... notsomuch. I know that not being in the same state of being made it feel different, not as open and connected as the previous day, and part of me mourned for that, but at the same time, it was as open and connected as I usually am at those times, so it's not like I lost anything per se. Just that the previous night had been extremely special and magical, and I could tell the difference. Even so, it was fabulous, I and treasure it.October is a pretty significant month for me.
Yesterday was the anniversary of my legal wedding with
blckwngdorcl. blckwngdorcl and I are celebrating today, though, 'cause this is when we really wanted the wedding to be (and, if we'd had the money at the time, when we were gonna have a handfasting at Dragon Hills, complete with Celtic regalia and our family of spirit), since it was when the New Moon went into Libra in 2002. So, historically, we've celebrated either or both days. Which is always a good thing.Yesterday was also my first anniversary date with Sona. I still love it there, but having had several days off, it was hard to get back into the swing of it.
Today has always been my anniversary with
logomancer, as well, the day we really met, at a science thing of some sort at Furman University. We spent the day together, I curled up on the bus with him on the way home (which included him stroking me softly all over, and the most intense passion I had felt at that age... and it still ranks very high in my book, 20 years later). We dated until just before I moved away, when he told me he was gay, and were the best of friends, from a distance, until I moved here in 2000, at his suggestion. Our relationship from there has been sporadic and rocky. Right now, I'm at a point where I'd love to reconnect, but he doesn't seem to want that right now. Which isn't to bash him, in case it sounds like that. Several months ago, he was ready to reconnect with me, and I told him I wasn't ready yet. Then, other things happened, things became rocky again, and honestly, I just don't know where I stand. My Higher Self knows that things will work out as they should, and on days, I can remember that such a strong bond can't possibly just disappear, in spite of all that's happened, good or bad. My Lower Self is afraid, in a lot of ways, though, and things happen now and again that make me realize just has fresh and present that wound is.The 16th is my birthday. It's always been a magical time for me, a day I insist on being treated like a queen. I've had a couple of bad ones in the recent past, but overall, I look forward to my birthday like a kid. This year, I was gonna go to a 2-day class on animal communication as my gift to myself. Finances haven't permitted that, though, unfortunately, so now I'm not sure what I'll be doing. I still have the days off work, though.
The 26th is an anniversary with Fig. It's a recent anniversary, in the grand scheme of things. In the past, I considered our anniversary to be February 15, because that was the first time we were together, sexually. It took years for me to realize how significant that date was, in terms of my first marriage. For us to have driven out to the country that night, it meant that I hadn't been in bed, cuddling with Leo, on the night after Valentine's Day. I'd freak out if I heard of anyone else doing something like that. That's just COLD, y'know? And I wouldn't have thought of myself, especially then, living fully in my Mask most of the time, as someone who would diss someone, especially one's spouse, in that way. But, I did. I don't even have an explanation for it. I don't remember that Valentine's Day at all, have no recollection of what we did, or why I wasn't in bed with him at 2am. I'm sure we must have spent it together. I mean, that's what you DO. But I have no memory of it. But I ended up with Fig in his Blazer on a country road. It wasn't the cause of my divorce. Fig and I had talked about being together sexually long before that. I remember asking him, and believing fully in my own words, "Knowing that I would never in a million years cheat on my husband, if we were given the opportunity, would you?" (Note: In spite of my use of quotes, I can't be sure if that's an accurate quote. The gist of it is accurate, though.) His answer was yes, which was gratifying enough for me at the time. It's my opinion, although it sounds just as much like a copout as it does the truth... not sure if it's the truth or the Truth, to be honest... but it's my opinion that, in my heart and mind, and on everything but paper (and the unfortunate fact that I hadn't made it clear to myself or Leo), I wasn't married to Leo any longer when it happened. I'd like to think that I never really could have cheated on my husband. Honestly, though, I don't know. I was a different person back then. I was working on a gray area, where Leo had given me permission to be with Fig... but the permission assumed he would be present, watching. Fig wasn't comfortable with that, so we went behind Leo's back to do something we'd been given permission to do in his presence. My current polyamory ethics find this distasteful at best. Nonetheless, that's what happened. Anyway, to get back to the October 26th date... this was the date that I finished a very long letter to Fig... at a moment when I was very much in my Higher Self, and felt OK with him dating Jessica, felt OK with the whole situation, was OK with our relationship before, during, and after, and said that I was changing our anniversary date to the date of that revelation, and that it felt right to me to do so, even moreso because I had other (2, at the time) significant dates in October (all ending in 6, for that matter). Of course, since then, I haven't been in my Higher Self all the time. The ramifications of my relationship with Fig have had far-reaching effects on my marriage with
blckwngdorcl, and usually not in good ways. blckwngdorcl reminds me of Fig in so many ways, and even in ways where, if I think about it, there really isn't a resemblance, it still triggers a fear that began in that relationship. Interestingly enough, I might see Fig tomorrow. His little (half) brother is graduating from basic training at Fort Benning, and I've been invited to go, both by Christopher and his parents (Fig's dad and stepmom). Last I heard, they didn't know for sure if Fig would be going, and whether or not Jessica would be going with (she's pregnant, from what I understand). I'm going regardless, though, and... well, we'll just see what happens if I encounter him. I still have a lot of Lower Self stuff involved with him and our relationship. But I'm starting to really just be OK with it, and be able to come from a place of my Higher Self. Five years does seem to be about the key for me. Slightly less with Leo. Slightly more with Fig, it would seem, assuming I am where I think I am about it.
Of course, if he ever found this LJ, and certain entries in it, unless he's been up front, finally, with Jessica, as to the REAL nature of our relationship... well... this LJ in that respect represents a promise broken, since I've not kept it a secret, but hidden in plain sight. There is both an aspect of Higher Self truth to that, and an element of Lower Self revenge. Right now, it's not vengeful, I don't think. It's just that I'm not going to continue to hide that for his sake.
Anyway... This entry has turned out much longer than I had ever considered that it would, although it feels good to write all that.
blckwngdorcl is now awake, and has patiently allowed me to finish this before we start our day together. My father, who I'll never be able to thank enough for things in my life, has helped us to have the financial wherewithall to enjoy different aspects of this day. And I look forward to beginning it.Happy Anniversary, my loves.
