bookofmirrors | Just Briefly...

I'm not going to go into details right now, 'cause it's too fucking early in the morning, but I wanted to get this dream down, before I forgot even more of it...

Just as a preface, something that happened with

lunenoire earlier brought up strong memories of

logomancer - more specifically, the strong emotions associated with our separation. It didn't help, of course, that I'd just spent 2 hours with

profundis, which naturally brought up those remembrances as well. Everything I saw last night, after the situation with

lunenoire reminded me of

logomancer. A street named Oglethorpe. A church I must have driven by a hundred times before and never noticed, but it had "Kellett" in the name. Various other things. It was all strong with me then.

But I didn't dream of him last night. I dreamed of Fig. I'm convinced it's related, anyway, although I'm going to wait until I wake up more fully before I attempt to figure out how...

Anyway, here's the dream:

Fig and I were living in an apartment together. It was more like a dorm, really, in that we both had other residences (presumably with our families), but we also lived there together. We were just coming back from time away from the apartment, and had arrived separately to the dorm. Already I've lost much of the dream, but I remember there was some confrontation in which I felt condescended by him. I remember confronting him about it after I had gotten my bearings on it, reminding him that, even though he was dating someone much younger than himself, and he may be used to that type of interaction now, he would do well to remember that I was 3 years (I think I said 4 years in the dream, but in reality, it's 3 - almost to the day) older than he was, and that he had no place talking to me in the manner that he had.

I wish I could remember more details than this, but that, including the anger and irritation I felt in the dream, is what sticks with me. It was at this point that I either naturally woke up, or was woken up by

blckwngdorcl coming to bed. I had been somewhat upset earlier, anyway, and missing very much having sex with him, but he hadn't been feeling well after dinner, and it had been out of the question. I was in a fragile state from before, and recognized this, and was warring with my emotions and my intellect - my emotions being upset and feeling rejected, but trying to set that aside and look at the situation intellectually, and decide if I had any place feeling that way. (Of course, this is not a good way to deal with such things, and I know better, but at the time, I was tired and in the middle of it, and wasn't reacting or thinking along those lines.) Other than expressing an interest in sex (no great surprises there), I held my tongue about what I was feeling. It was an old argument, and not one I wanted to perpetuate again, especially knowing I was in an emotional state that wouldn't let me see the situation with any sort of objectivity. Anyway, when

blckwngdorcl came to bed, I was fresh on the heels of that dream, and all the anger and irritation I was feeling. I also sensed (or at least I thought I sensed) an energy coming from him that I associated with him just having climaxed. This hurt and angered me no end, but I was coherent enough to know that, a) I could be wrong in my assessment of that situation, b) I was feeling a lot of negative emotions related to the dream that weren't even ABOUT him, and I knew they were clouding my judgement, and c) it was late, I was tired, I knew he was the same (he had tried to go to bed earlier, being tired himself, but his stomach wouldn't allow him to comfortably lie down or sleep), and I just didn't want to get into it right then. So, I mumbled something about having just had a bad dream, and feeling out of sorts; that it wasn't about him at all, but that I couldn't really bring myself to cuddle with him (as I usually do when he comes to bed). He seemed OK with this, and I went to sleep again, until it was time to wake up and take

liljuice to work.

Hopefully, when

blckwngdorcl and I are both fully awake, we can resolve it in a better frame of mind.

So much is on MY mind right now... I have much to think about after yesterday.