Posty

[bookofmirrors]

So, after having said that I was in a mood to post, and after having cleaned off my desk, in order to have a good area to post in, I find myself spacing out and reluctant to do so. So, the plan is to post, anyway, feeling somewhat less-than-inspired, and see what comes of it.

I think my first post will about my relationship with LuneNoire.




OK, so I think the last post I made in regards to this was this one, shortly after Thanksgiving.

So, yeah. A LOT has changed since then.

I think it all started with a date I had with WalkingBear, at the end of December. We had planned it such that I was going to come home from work, drop the car off for BlckwngdOrcl and LuneNoire, so they could go out for their own date, and WalkingBear would meet me at Etherium (which is very close to his job, or at least the job he had at the time), we'd go grab a bite to eat, and head back to the apartment to enjoy ourselves in private. Great plan, right?

Except that, when WalkingBear called me as I was driving home from work, and wanted to know if I just wanted to meet him at the restaurant, I thought this was a really good idea. I completely forgot about the purpose of going home first, and even re-wrote it in my memory to think that the guys were gonna use MARTA or something. How fucked up is that? So, when I happened to check my phone at the restaurant (we were already done eating, and were just chatting) and saw that I had several voicemail messages, I was confused. When I talked to BlckwngdOrcl, and found out how upset they both were that I'd blown them off, I was really upset. We left immediately, of course, but by then, they'd already left themselves, in LuneNoire's car, which always makes me nervous. Both were furious with me, and I was really upset about fucking that up, especially after they'd been so nice as to allow me to have the apartment to myself for my date.

WalkingBear was really understanding, and allowed me to take my time, and have the option of not continuing the date, but I was able to put my sadness and guilt aside long enough to enjoy his company. Pretty much right after he left, though, I fell into despair again. I made it a point to go to bed, with the idea that I REALLY wanted to be asleep when they got there. I have since discovered I have this pathological need for forgiveness (which I'll talk about more later), and at that point, I was wallowing in that. Last I'd heard, the two men I loved were furious at me, and disappointed in me. I knew that the plan was for them to spend the night together in LuneNoire's bed, and I assumed that, under the circumstances, their reaction to me might be less than cordial, and I didn't wanna face that. I'd rather sleep through what I would perceive as a rejection. Plus, if I was awake, there would be that part of me that would be desperate to be held and consoled (for something that was my fault, go figure), and I wouldn't want to take away from their date, and if I *wasn't* held and consoled, I'd feel like shit, and feel like shit for feeling like shit, and feeling manipulative, and wanting to co-opt the date night they were having. So, yeah, sleep. Much better option. I could deal with the rejection/forgiveness thing in the morning, I figured.

And I succeeded. I was asleep when they got home. I woke when BlckwngdOrcl came into the room, and tried to get back to sleep, and was surprised when he crawled into bed with me. (Later, I learned that this was his choice, with LuneNoire's permission, although LuneNoire later said he felt very hurt by it.) Anyway, I sobbed on his shoulder for a long time, even though he was no longer mad at me by then, and told me it was OK and such. I was forgiven, and felt much better about it.

Unfortunately, my relationship with LuneNoire wasn't so easily mended.

We didn't talk for a while after that. This was, on both our ends, a retreat from being hurt. I can't find the emails that were sent (I thought I'd saved them) several days/weeks after the fact, where we started to open up a dialogue again, so I don't wanna try to write down from memory what he was feeling, and get it wrong. Suffice it to say he felt hurt and betrayed that I hadn't cared enough to remember the details of the evening, and that there was also a "last straw" issue going on that I hadn't previously been aware of. But, this is my journal, and I'm going to try to focus on my own feelings and reactions, as it should be. I just didn't want it to be completely one-sided.

Anyway, after BlckwngdOrcl and I had our cathartic moment, in which I felt forgiven for my wrongs, we were fine. I was interested in trying to work things out with LuneNoire, as well. (Looking back, I don't think anything other than a cathartic forgiveness thing would have worked for me.) However, via BlckwngdOrcl, I was told not to approach him, and to let him come to me. As a result, I felt like I was walking on eggshells. He retreated to his room, and I avoided him like the plague. I think that was mutual. I was still in a state, regarding him, where I had done this horrible thing, and feeling punished for it. On one hand, I totally felt like I deserved his silent rage (well, silent to me, anyway - he still talked/vented to BlckwngdOrcl), and had to pay some sort of penance for my mistake. However, as time went on, I started to feel resentful of it. I felt I'd paid enough for my crimes, and certainly he couldn't punish me any more than I punished myself for it, and wasn't it enough yet? At the same time as I was feeling this anger and frustration, I was still mired in the guilt of having made the mistake to begin with, and started adding to it the guilt of feeling angry about it. I mean, clearly I had no reason to be angry. If I had been punished enough, the punishment would have stopped by now, wouldn't it? So, clearly, I hadn't paid for my crimes enough. So, I had a whole mixed bag of emotions going on, none of them pleasant to experience.

As somewhat of an aside, BlckwngdOrcl absolutely shone during this time. He spoke to each of us as and how he pleased, and didn't let our issues become his. He was supportive of both of us, and (to me, at least) said when he thought we were being ridiculous. He consciously chose not to become involved in the issue, other than to be there for both of us. He handled it with grace and compassion, and ass-kicking when it needed it. It couldn't have been easy for him. But I loved and respected him all the more for it. It was a perfect example of how well polyamory can work when people don't get too entangled with issues that aren't their own. I was just amazed. It was a side of him I hadn't seen in the past.

Anyway, after a long time, LuneNoire and I started exchanging emails. There was very little he said/she said. I think, for the most part, we stated our positions pretty well, and there were actually few misunderstandings to correct, I think. On paper, we were reconciled, I think, by the time the correspondence was over.

In my head, though, not so much. I hadn't heard any semblance of those magic words "you are forgiven". So, I was still the bad guy in my head, and my conflicting feelings of pain and anger continued. By then, we'd developed somewhat of a habit of avoiding each other, and it was easy for me to maintain that role. I think it was easy for both of us to maintain that role, that distance, and certainly easier (on some level) than facing the problem and dealing with it. I was afraid, pure and simple. Afraid of judgement, of forgiveness not being forthcoming, of someone finding out that I'm just as horrible as I always feared I was/am. Just afraid.

So, we sidestepped around each other for months. During that time, my attitude towards him changed.

I started resenting his very presence. It was a strange sort of resentment. Every time I saw him in the apartment, I got annoyed. Why the fuck was he there? Couldn't he just leave? Goddammit. At the same time, however, I wasn't bothered by his continued relationship with BlckwngdOrcl. I was totally OK with them being together, as long as it was in his room, and I didn't have to see him. As long as I could pretend he wasn't there, I was fine. When reality reared its head, I was pissed. I suppose the only thing to my credit during this time is that I *knew* that this process was strictly an internal one. He'd done nothing to incur this wrath on my part. I mean, yeah, we had that disagreement surrounding the date (and, in our emails, there were things that were on him, but those had been resolved), but he hadn't done anything wrong. There was NO REASON for me to feel this way. At least no reason I could justify as a good one, or one I could justify as even making sense. Keep in mind that, prior to this, I hadn't really discovered my pathological need for forgiveness, at least not in anything more than a brief intellectual acknowledgement, and I don't think I acknowledged the pathology of it at the time. Certainly, I didn't grok it. So, I lamented about this for a long time. BlckwngdOrcl was supportive, and listened to me, but this particular issue was taking its toll on him, and he said so. The tension in the house was palpable to me, and I think to him, since he was privy to what was going on in my head. After quite some time of this, I finally got up the nerve to ask LuneNoire out for coffee. Which is my way of saying I want to have a serious conversation with him. This is kind of a known thing, but given our extremely superficial relationship in the time just prior to that, he had no reason to think there was anything up. We hadn't interacted enough for there to be any new issues, and I think he thought the old issue was over. And, of course, my MO was to ask in an extremely casual manner, with no set date or time when this needed to happen, and no mention that this was, as far as I was concerned, a really important talk. As a result, he didn't really go out of his way to follow up on going out, and my response was to mention it even more casually and off-handedly as time went on and it didn't happen. I knew that he was extremely intuitive, so my assessment of the situation was that he KNEW something was up, and was avoiding the conversation. (Which annoyed me no end, strangely enough, since that's what *I'd* been doing for months.)

So, time goes on, no coffee, no talk, same tension and mixed bag of feelings I'd been having since December. (Timeframe now is March.) I wanted him the FUCK out of my house NOW. Of course, I had this discussion with BlckwngdOrcl, who was very supportive of me, and said it was good that I'd come to that conclusion and voiced it. At the same time, he didn't agree with me. He and LuneNoire had recently had some interactions which resulted in the amicable re-vamping of their relationship (the only/closest reference to which I could find is here), and he didn't want a change in living situation to adversely affect how this new relationship might develop. Understandable. At the same time, there were a lot of very practical reasons to have the three of us continue to live together, not the least of which were financial. At the time, BlckwngdOrcl wasn't working, and both LuneNoire and I were struggling financially. Moving would be difficult for him, and maintaining the finances without his income would be difficult for me. Again, I still didn't find myself resenting their relationship. In fact, I felt that I could probably feel friendly towards LuneNoire again, if he just weren't living in my house. (Note: Using the phrase "my house" is clearly inaccurate, and implies a singularity of possession which I know isn't true - but I was feeling very possessive at the time, so the wording purposefully reflects that.)

So. This was the state of affairs.

Enter my Core class module in mid-March.

Keep in mind, this was the first module since I had made this post about how deconstructed I felt, and how much had come up surrounding, the thing that happened in the process group the month before. I had had a couple therapy sessions and some email correspondences with the group which had been pretty positive, and I had learned and grokked a lot. I was feeling in a pretty OK place with the whole thing, as far as my classmates were concerned. We did talk about it a bit, though, and the pathological need for forgiveness thing came up. Somehow, this ended up in a discussion about my adoption, and BlckwngdOrcl's daughter, and my own thoughts on having children. Really emotional times for me tend to leave unclear memories in my head, so it's hard for me to give details (and it's not like this post isn't long e-fucking-nough as it is), but suffice it to say that I finally really grokked my whole pathological need for forgiveness, and saw how it tied in with my feelings surrounding LuneNoire since December. Finally, my feelings made sense. And, in doing so, for the most part, they faded.

Well, it just so happened, that, the next morning, I woke up very early, on my own. LuneNoire was awake, as well, and the blonde beastie was still sleeping. So, after much gathering up of courage, I asked LuneNoire if he wanted to go out to breakfast with me. He did, and we chatted a little, before I got around to telling him what had been going around in my head. I told him that, even though I no longer felt this "get-the-fuck-out" thing in my head, that I did feel that I was time that BlckwngdOrcl and I had our own place again. I pointed out that, even though it felt like that was a decision from my Higher Self, I couldn't rule out the idea that it was my codependency rearing its ugly head, and was actually just my desire to kick out anyone who might give an outside perspective on our relationship, and not allow me to just dissolve into my relationship with him, and avoid my own issues. As I write this, I'm still trying to keep that possibility in mind. I told him that I felt I had tried the triad thing, and found it just wasn't for me. That I had no problem with he and BlckwngdOrcl continuing their relationship. That I'd like to be friends with him again. Probably a lot of other things, too.

Honestly, there's no good way to tell someone that sort of thing. I did the best I could. What I didn't predict, though, was totally blindsiding him. I had counted on his intuitiveness to tell him something was up, while, at the same time, he was trying to take a page from my optimism about most things, and had convinced himself he was being paranoid, and everything was fine. By the end of the conversation, we were getting along well, but to some degree, that was the calm before the storm. I felt OK (although I think I knew more was to come), but his reaction was still brewing, somewhat, resulting in some major depression on his part, for which I tried, with varying success, not to feel guilty about. Things got better, for which I was grateful, on both our behalves.

As an aside, while looking for those entries to reference to, I found this entry, dated in February, during which time I *was* hiding from him my actual feelings. In hindsight, I think this dream is very telling.

So, since then, there's been a bit of a period of re-building, characterized by both of us alternately going into our shells, and coming out. We've had some good moments and some neutral moments, but no bad ones that I can specifically recall. Yesterday's excursion for coffee was the first time we'd attempted something like that since going out for breakfast that morning. And while I was acutely aware of the fact that it was our first "date" since that time, it was pretty stress-free and positive. I not only enjoyed being with him, but enjoyed what I was doing, as I mentioned in my post prior to this one.

The end of the story? There isn't one. I think it's been established that our living situation is going to change, but there's no rush. I no longer feel resentful of him, and I am enjoying our interactions, and am slowly learning to take down the walls I put up in relation to him. I look forward to continuing our friendship, in whatever form it takes.

To date, I think, this has been the most challenging relationship of my life, and one of the ones that has helped me grow the most, if the most painfully. It's a gift I don't always relish getting, but extremely precious to me in the end, and worth its weight in gold.