BookOfMirrors (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
bookofmirrors) wrote2004-07-05 12:16 pm
bookofmirrors) wrote2004-07-05 12:16 pm
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Polyamory Questions
I ganked these questions from ![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
feygirl a while back, but never got around to answering them. However, one of my posts yesterday seems to have fostered the most delightful debate on the subject, so I'm sorta in that mindframe now, so I thought I'd post these now.
Do you have a relationship structure?
Not really sure what this particular question is asking. I'm married, with an open relationship, which I actually tend not to call polyamory (except that it's a convenient word that most people are familiar with) because I find it hard sometimes to connect emotionally to someone other than my husband. This is something I'm working on.
If you're married, what are some of the boundaries you have set up concerning other loves?
Well, the first rule is always safe/sane/consensual. Condoms are a must. We haven't really discussed dental dams. We each have to approve the other's lovers. We do this for a couple of reasons. We're both fairly intuitive people, and we're both intelligent. We both realize that in states of infatuation or pure horniness, we might not make the best choices for ourselves. We help each other to make sure that we're not jumping rashly into something, or "thinking with our dicks". This "forces" us to be friends with the people we're with, because you can't make that sort of informed consent without it. Which is a good thing. Both of us tend to be more attracted to people we're close to on a personal level, anyway. If I'm in a BDSM scene,blckwngdorcl insists that I use a safe word. If it's someone who's not already on the "OK" list, the rule is kissing, and over-the-clothing, above-the-waist groping. Of course, this can be modified for situations where we're already naked for whatever reason. cybersex of any kind, with anyone is OK. And our marriage comes first, always.
How do you handle living w/ your spouse, and having other lovers over, or spending the night elsewhere?
It just basically depends on scheduling and such. Unfortunately, our living situation doesn't really lend itself to having people over. This is mostly due to a rule I forgot to mention, which is thatblckwngdorcl doesn't like our bed to be used by anyone but us. (Actually, I think he's modified that, but I don't remember what the verdict on it was...) We don't have a spare room, and trying to schedule time alone in a household of 5, one with no car, no job, is damn near impossible. So, generally, all playing is done elsewhere. So far, there hasn't been an issue with this that I'm aware of. In our dream house in our head, we have a fully-stocked "playroom" with a huge fucking bed (pun intended) and various toys and other comforts, as well as a fully stocked dungeon, with a secret entrance and everything.
Do you have things set up so that you can veto people?
I basically answered that already. Obviously, if one of us felt strongly enough to veto someone, there'd be a long discussion about it.
Do you have primary and secondary and maybe even tertiary labels?
Not really. I mean, I'll refer toblckwngdorcl as my primary, but that's mostly because it's a commonly understood term in the community, not because I really think of him that way. I don't have "levels" of lovers.
Do you get emotionally attached to other lovers, or do you only have sex with others and leave the emotions to the primary or the spouse?
In the past, I think I left the emotions with my husband, and thought of the sex merely as an extension of friendship, separate but equal, for instance, to going out for coffee with someone. Of course, that's more a safety net for me, because it's almost impossible to have sex with someone and not have a different level of feeling for them going out than you did coming in. I think I used that as a defense mechanism, to not let anyone get too close to me. I'm trying to remedy that, and find that connection, because it's a horrible thing to be closed off to love of any kind. I want to be open about it.blckwngdorcl and I talked about this once, and he said that he actually prefers me to have an emotional/romantic attachment to other lovers, because he feels that, if I can have sex with someone I don't love, what does that say about when I have sex with him? And he's got a point.
feygirl a while back, but never got around to answering them. However, one of my posts yesterday seems to have fostered the most delightful debate on the subject, so I'm sorta in that mindframe now, so I thought I'd post these now. Do you have a relationship structure?
Not really sure what this particular question is asking. I'm married, with an open relationship, which I actually tend not to call polyamory (except that it's a convenient word that most people are familiar with) because I find it hard sometimes to connect emotionally to someone other than my husband. This is something I'm working on.
If you're married, what are some of the boundaries you have set up concerning other loves?
Well, the first rule is always safe/sane/consensual. Condoms are a must. We haven't really discussed dental dams. We each have to approve the other's lovers. We do this for a couple of reasons. We're both fairly intuitive people, and we're both intelligent. We both realize that in states of infatuation or pure horniness, we might not make the best choices for ourselves. We help each other to make sure that we're not jumping rashly into something, or "thinking with our dicks". This "forces" us to be friends with the people we're with, because you can't make that sort of informed consent without it. Which is a good thing. Both of us tend to be more attracted to people we're close to on a personal level, anyway. If I'm in a BDSM scene,
blckwngdorcl insists that I use a safe word. If it's someone who's not already on the "OK" list, the rule is kissing, and over-the-clothing, above-the-waist groping. Of course, this can be modified for situations where we're already naked for whatever reason. cybersex of any kind, with anyone is OK. And our marriage comes first, always.How do you handle living w/ your spouse, and having other lovers over, or spending the night elsewhere?
It just basically depends on scheduling and such. Unfortunately, our living situation doesn't really lend itself to having people over. This is mostly due to a rule I forgot to mention, which is that
blckwngdorcl doesn't like our bed to be used by anyone but us. (Actually, I think he's modified that, but I don't remember what the verdict on it was...) We don't have a spare room, and trying to schedule time alone in a household of 5, one with no car, no job, is damn near impossible. So, generally, all playing is done elsewhere. So far, there hasn't been an issue with this that I'm aware of. In our dream house in our head, we have a fully-stocked "playroom" with a huge fucking bed (pun intended) and various toys and other comforts, as well as a fully stocked dungeon, with a secret entrance and everything. Do you have things set up so that you can veto people?
I basically answered that already. Obviously, if one of us felt strongly enough to veto someone, there'd be a long discussion about it.
Do you have primary and secondary and maybe even tertiary labels?
Not really. I mean, I'll refer to
blckwngdorcl as my primary, but that's mostly because it's a commonly understood term in the community, not because I really think of him that way. I don't have "levels" of lovers.Do you get emotionally attached to other lovers, or do you only have sex with others and leave the emotions to the primary or the spouse?
In the past, I think I left the emotions with my husband, and thought of the sex merely as an extension of friendship, separate but equal, for instance, to going out for coffee with someone. Of course, that's more a safety net for me, because it's almost impossible to have sex with someone and not have a different level of feeling for them going out than you did coming in. I think I used that as a defense mechanism, to not let anyone get too close to me. I'm trying to remedy that, and find that connection, because it's a horrible thing to be closed off to love of any kind. I want to be open about it.
blckwngdorcl and I talked about this once, and he said that he actually prefers me to have an emotional/romantic attachment to other lovers, because he feels that, if I can have sex with someone I don't love, what does that say about when I have sex with him? And he's got a point.