Process Group

[bookofmirrors]

So, today was my once-monthly Core Process Group. These tend to be way more low-key than the Modules, and only last for about 4 hours or so. For the most part, we get together, kinda touch base with each other, do some moving around, maybe one or two people do some deeper work if there are major issues going on... it's pretty free-form, and we all just go with whatever comes up.

I'm putting what came up, and how it affected me, under a cut, but I want to sort of make a disclaimer here first. There was a lot going on, and I barely scratched the surface of this train of thought there, so much of what I write here will be me seeing/experiencing/realizing it for the first time, too. So, 'ware confusing stream of consciousness, 'K?



So one of the guys in our class isn't really a student. I don't really consider him in the class, per se, anyway. He graduated from the Core class prior to ours, and he's basically been a teacher's aide, so to speak. He's had a lot going on in his life over the past year or so, dealing with his aging parents. He's had to miss lots of class time because of it, usually with little notice. It's not been that big a deal... I mean, I think Pam likes having someone else around to help, and she's said before that she tries to bring men in more often than women, to try and balance out the energy a little bit, since we only have one guy in the class, and he's gay, so his energy doesn't seem to bring out as many issues that some of the female students have with men. I mean, it does, but it's different. So, it's been good to have the other (straight) guy there, because his energy plays off the other energy in ways that have been very productive and useful, and since he's completed the classes, he can be fully present in that moment. He's a beautiful soul, open, warm, loving, with a great heart, who's held us, challenged us, and cried and screamed along side of us.

So, today, during process group, he announced that the demands on his time and such, due to all the (continually and steadily worsening) issues with his parents, he was not going to be able to commit to the class next year.

Now, keep in mind that we're a close-knit group. Core isn't like college, where a new batch of students come in every year. Pam waits until she has enough people to take the class, then starts it. She doesn't start another class until the current one is over. Sometimes it's years between classes, just because things are coming together quite right. So, with a couple of tiny exceptions, this group has been together for the past 2 years, sharing our deepest fears and highest joys, and connecting in ways that are so very profound... So, naturally, him leaving (especially in his role as a teacher/mentor aide - one might even go so far as to say father figure) brought up abandonment issues. People were hurt, angry, crying, yelling, etc.. He was sad, of course. We did some work around that.

Now, when things like this come up in this type of setting, it's really a great opportunity, however painful, for some fabulous discovery and growth to occur. A couple of the women there expressed some deep and beautiful emotions as a result of feeling their abandonment issues triggered by his leaving.

But... I didn't feel abandoned. Not even a little bit. I was going to miss him, of course, and I was sad about it, but it just didn't trigger those issues for me.

So, while other people were kicking and screaming and crying, I kinda went through the motions, just to move the energy in my body - but I wasn't really feeling it. I searched myself carefully, trying to make sure I wasn't just Masking the feelings, burying them so deep I couldn't tell I had them, but I really didn't feel like I was. (Granted, one can never be sure one isn't fooling one's self...) So, I'm lying there, trying to get in on this abandonment bandwagon, and just not feeling it surrounding this guy. So, I take myself away from that situation, and I tried to think of someone who *did* evoke abandonment issues in me.

And the first person who came to mind was LuneNoire.

At this point, I kinda did a mental double-take. Did I just tell myself what I think I told myself??? I mean, OK, come ON... If any of you have been paying attention to either of us lately, you'll know that I'm DONE with the triad thing, that *I* broke up with *him*, and I've been actively telling him to move out of the fucking apartment already! (I say it nicer than that, of course...)

And I'm having abandonment issues with someone that I did the leaving????

WTF????!!!!!????

I think the very notion of it startled me so much that I zipped past it quickly in my mental assessment of the situation. I noted a couple of other people (mostly Logomancer) with whom I had abandonment issues as I was lying there thinking to myself, and kinda tried to dismiss it. I mean, it just didn't make any SENSE.

After people had pretty much worked off their initial reaction to his news, he went around to each of individually, and spoke to us softly, telling us he'd miss us, and I think we each shared a memory or something with him, and/or talked about our feelings regarding him, the leaving, etc.. (Not sure... I really couldn't hear what was said with anyone else, but that seemed to be the gist of it.) When he came to me, we held hands, stroked each others' arms, gazed into each others' eyes, and connected. I told him that, while I did have abandonment issues, I didn't have any surrounding *him*, and that, even though I would miss him, he wasn't triggering any of those issues for me.

Sometime during either my own thoughts beforehand, my talk with him, or our roundtable discussion of it afterwards, I worked out why I didn't have any abandonment issues surrounding him.

I didn't feel like I'd fucked anything up.

When I mentioned this, one of my classmates was like whoa, back up... you're saying that, if someone leaves you, you examine the situation, and determine if you've said or done anything that might make them want to leave, and THEN you decide whether or not you feel abandoned?? I admitted, that certainly did seem backwards, but it also seemed like exactly what I did. I had a clean conscience with this guy. There had only ever been one instance where I thought I'd wronged him in some way, and I'd expressed that to him years ago, and he accepted it in a very loving and open way... so much so that my natural tendency to not believe people who say they've forgiven me (or that there's nothing to forgive) was washed away. I couldn't think of anything I might have possibly done that would make him want to leave me. Therefore, somehow, in my mind, he wasn't abandoning me. He was leaving, sure, but not abandoning me. He had no reason to.

But with LuneNoire, I feel like I have wronged him in many ways. Let's set aside the reality of my leaving him and not the other way around thing for a second. It's actual reality, but it apparently (somehow) isn't my emotional reality, and the emotional reality is the one I'm dealing with here. (Note: This is where I start free-forming it... everything beyond this point is pretty much new to all of us...)

OK, so my emotional reality is that I feel abandoned by LuneNoire. I've just discovered/established that I only feel abandonment issues when I have a guilty conscience in some form. (As an aside... when I was trying to wrap my head around the unnatural vehemence with which I wanted him gone, the only thing that felt True to me surrounding that was that it had some connection to guilt, but I didn't understand how at the time.) And I do feel guilty of a lot of things in our relationship. There were many things I could have handled differently in day-to-day interactions, regarding his surgery, regarding time/money spent... a ton of little things. Two-way street, sure, but I tend to hog the road when it comes to taking on more than my share of the responsibility. Even if I'm not aware of it consciously, it certainly makes me overall unhappy, and I can sort it out later. Took me 5 years after our divorce for me to do it with Leo... at least my response time is getting quicker...

Something he brought up recently, though, which really struck me. I don't know what brought the subject up... I think I was maybe talking about my short and pathetic career in sales, and how everyone who meets me (including my boss at my sales job, who refused to accept my resignation, even though I was making him negative money) thinks I'd be fabulous at sales... anyway, he said that I sold him on the idea of a triad. That I was so enthusiastic and excited about it, I swept him along in it. OK, yeah, yeah, I know that no one gets influenced by another person/thing unless they want to... but it really struck me hard. I mean, I was way gung ho about it when it first started. I had stumbled upon this no-less-than-absolutely-magical-and-life-changing-and-soul-affirming relationship with BlckwngdOrcl... it had "clicked" from Day One, and, even though we've certainly had our shares of ups and downs, it was effortless. And I made the classic poly blunder, which I said would never happen to me... I mistook NRE for the real thing. LuneNoire was the first person who didn't feel like he disrupted the energy of the marriage, and I welcomed him into the pairing with open arms. It was so unusual and felt so good that I made the mistake of thinking that the Universe had given me two magical relationships in one lifetime. I felt so lucky. And then I made the second blunder... one I wrote a discourse AGAINST in this very LJ (can't find the entry to link to). I was Christine, who couldn't deal with the ugly side of the Phantom, and left him for someone else. (Albeit, that someone was my husband, and certainly not the twit she left with, but still...)

Looking back, I don't think I ever fully trusted him after that huge fight we had when we were moving. I thought I had resolved that, moved past it... I even had a moment of clarity about it, and apologized to him for holding it against him. And meant it. And... honestly, I still think I mean it. I'm sitting here trying to figure that out. I remember that day, and it was very sincere. I wasn't lying. But... the only thing I can think of is the usual Core explanation of Lower Self, Mask, and Higher Self. My Higher Self is very much in touch with that moment of clarity... but the wounds in my Lower Self were already too deep, and had left too big of a scar. That, and I think what happened afterwards freaked me out more than I was willing to admit.

Bottom line is, once the NRE wore off, I didn't have that magical relationship I was expecting, and I bailed. Now, the fact that I feel this is the (T?)truth doesn't change the Truth of the Higher Self reasons I've cited in another post about our breakup. It's just that I'm coming from different places within myself for these reactions.

But, in bailing, and so quickly, I felt guilty. I had unknowingly emulated SimplySakka's initial attempts at polyamory (mirror mirror) where the NRE was addictive and felt like it was going to be forever, and of course, it wasn't... I had unwittingly followed in the footsteps of Christine who couldn't handle all the facets of her Phantom. And I didn't want to be either of those things - neither fit in with my definition of myself as someone who had her relationship shit together, and who paid close attention to those things, to make sure they didn't happen. *rolls eyes*

So, I blew my own image of myself, and I did it subconsciously enough that I didn't notice. But I felt the guilt from it, some times more than others, sometimes more consciously than others. And I began to associate that guilt with LuneNoire - understandably, but quite unfairly. And, I don't particularly like feeling guilty, so I began to resent the (projected) source of my guilt - LuneNoire himself. Again, pretty much all subconscious. All I was aware of was that being around him made me feel bad in some way I couldn't define. And, I suppose I reacted understandably, as one would to any one/thing that makes one feel bad - I wanted to get away from that thing. And, from a practical standpoint, he had fewer cats, less furniture, and wouldn't be able to afford the apartment on his own, so it made sense for him to move out rather than me (and BlckwngdOrcl).

I've "solved" this problem by simply avoiding and/or ignoring LuneNoire whenever possible. I could do the relationship version of sticking my fingers in my ears and going lalalala. If you can become blind to the object of your guilt, then you can become blind (numb) to the guilt itself, right?

Riiiiiiiight. And that's why this journal entry is happening. Phhbbt.

OK, so let's back up a little bit. I felt abandoned. And, unlike Logomancer, LuneNoire didn't abandon me at all - if anything, I abandoned him. So why do I react like the opposite is true?

To be sure, there are many things about LuneNoire that remind me of Logomancer, so there may be something to be said for the simple fact of that association in my head. But I think it's because I feel like I DESERVE to be abandoned for what I did... that I feel like I need to be punished for it, and what better punishment than abandonment. It's one of my greatest fears, after all. Which, of course, is why I manifest it in my life, right? *sigh* It makes me feel BETTER to be punished for it. I mean, after punishment comes forgiveness and redemption, right? There's hope in guilt, in a sick and twisted sort of way. Of course, it also saves me from being angry about anything. People who feel guilty shouldn't be angry, right?

So much tangled emotions in this dynamic. Just damn.

Which leads me to my next leap of logic. If this is how I work, how I think... then that means I have abandonment issues with every one of my friends about whom I feel guilty for abandoning over the past few years. Which begets guilt, which begets avoidance, which begets more guilt... you see where this is going. That's pretty huge. Not sure what to do with it right now (mostly 'cause it's late, and I'm tired, and I'm freezing even with sweats, socks, and a sweater on, because my fucking husband is a polar bear at night), but wanted to at least make that observation.

So. Now what? Now that I see this, do I want the triad back? Or a romantic relationship with LuneNoire?

No, not really.

I've never lost sight of the fact that LuneNoire is a great person. I haven't been in touch with that for quite some time now, but I've remembered it on an intellectual level, at least. He's not the devil, and never has been. I've been adamant that these issues I've had lately are all internal to me, and that he hasn't caused them at all - in fact, he's decidedly been nicer and more polite to me than I've been to him. Not that I've been mean, I don't think... but I've been cold and aloof. (Which, of course, only furthered the guilt...) But, in the end, I just don't think it was meant to be, for him and me. I look forward to getting over this and renewing our friendship someday, when the wounds aren't so raw for both of us. I don't know when that'll be. Probably after he moves, 'cause it feels overwhelming to me otherwise. And, to be honest, I just don't have the energy for that kind of relationship right now. I don't want to, I don't want to work on it, I just want to focus on my relationship with my husband. And I feel like I'm backsliding, 'cause I do like the idea of poly. But, right now, I just don't have those resources. I'm emotionally very monogamous, and I could be sexually monogamous, I think. But I don't want to switch back and forth for convenience if/when another new shiny (or old shiny) comes along. And, for the record, whatever I chose, I have no intention of forcing my choices on my husband. He is and will be free to make his own choices. Hell, it feels arrogant just to write that, like I'm giving him permission to do so, which isn't even the case... more like stating an inalienable right that's forgotten in more conventional marriages.

The point is, I think I made the right decision for all the wrong reasons. I'm comfortable with that decision. What I'm not comfortable with is the person I've been in relation to LuneNoire over the past several months. I'm hoping this realization will relax things on my end, at least.

Well, I hope I explored everything, and wrote everything I thought about. (I usually forget something...) I'm going to bed now.